Your Bachelor Recaps Make My Life. Muchas Graciassss!!!!

Henley Monday - 

Coming to you at your 11th hour (central time) to bring you the beautiful, handsome, and ever-classy Joseph Gordon-Levitt posing in a henley. You can just see the top of the henley, buttoned all the way up beneath that exquisite leather moto-jacket and also his beautiful bone structure and architectural hair. 

The Office/One Direction mashup 

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!

The Official Bachelor Drinking Game

Hello my sweet journeyers! Together, through many trials and tribulations we have made it to this fine day: Bachelor Finale Day. I know you are just as excited as I am to see who our Bachelor Sean Lowe will choose and how it will all go down. Will it be Catherine, the raven haired beauty with a quirky intelligence Sean loves? Or Lindsay, the goofy girl who showed up to meet him wearing a wedding dress? Time will reveal all.

Many of you will be participating in viewing parties surrounded by your best friends, wine, and delicious snacks. A few seasons back, my friends and I put together a little viewing game, and I thought I would only be doing my due diligence in sharing it with you all. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can't wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you're underage, eat an m&m):

The word "journey" is used

The word "connection" is used

Someone refers to "the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says "picture the rest of my life", "spend the rest of my life", "could envision the rest of my life" or any other "rest of my life" phrases

Sean does a voice over while he walks around somewhere

Sean does a voice over while he stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Sean is shirtless

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as "paradise", "fairytale", or "something out of a dream"

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Sean.

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera's "The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

Henley Monday -

Happy day everyone! I'll make this short and sweet. This is Robert Downey Jr mugging the shit out of the camera in a henley and a blazer and a freaking scarf because Robert Downey Jr is elegant and classy AF. GET ON HIS LEVEL!

My favorite scene in Bridesmaids is the entire airplane scene, but this snippet is the best of the best. While not specifically at the wedding, I think it still counts as a great moment in film nuptials.

The best part: The absolute straight delivery of Steve/Stove.

"Are you an appliance?"

"No. I'm a man. And my name is Steve."

"You're a flight attendant."

"That is absolutely accurate."

For the past two weeks I have been watching ALL OF THE SPORTS on the Olympics and crying so many tears at every human interest piece and subsequent gold medal win. It's been the best. But, due to all the Olympic hullaballoo, my favorite summer TV show has been on hiatus.

So You Think You Can Dance went on a, very wise, two week break so they didn't have to worry about competing with the games. But I miss it! I miss it so much! Which is why when I saw this video yesterday I was filled with awe and wonder and joy. It contains enough artistry and incredible technique to tide me over until the show returns next Wednesday.

So please enjoy as much as I did, also, as much as Yo-Yo Ma clearly did. I think it's so amazing how much these two are collaborating and inspiring each other. 

And just in case it's not enough, click through here to watch one of my favorite feel-good routines from the show that I don't think got enough credit.

Come back to me soon, Cat Deeley!

The Ice Caps Are Melting, and it's Sarah McLachlan's Fault

Polar bears have been getting a lot of press lately due to climate change and the odd female celebrity telling us about their diminishing environment with heart-wrenching PSAs.  But despite their efforts, Lilith Fair creator and sensitive female singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan has the trump card with her ASPCA ads.

I would have a million dollars if someone paid me a million dollars to count the status updates and tweets I’ve seen where friends, or that awkward girl from high school trigonometry, bemoan the montage of sad puppy eyes, gaunt ponies, and kittens behind bars.

Example: “OMG! Those Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty commercials are SO SAD!!!!!!!”

I hate seeing those statuses all the time because, DOI they are supposed to be sad.  That is the point of ethos as a tool.  They want you to be sad about the puppies and kitties missing ears and limbs so that you give money. Money that will help the pets, but also fund commercials during prime-time television (I’m on to you, ASPCA).

So I’m frustrated because, yeah, we get it, but also because that girl from high school trigonometry was awkward and, frankly, so was I.  And then not only am I going, “Oh, wow, seven exclamation points and all caps. Get this girl a Pulitzer,” I am triggered back into the days when I wore crocs to school and buckled my belts to the side.  If I passed the hottest guy in school, who I casually called “the walking Greek god”, I would update every scintillating moment in my LiveJournal later that day. And, I thought I was so cool.

At this point down the rabbit hole, I’m legitimately depressed about three legged dogs (who doesn’t have April and Andy there to love him and remove him from awkward situations), as well as how much easier I could have made my life in high school if I wasn’t so convinced I was awesome…and then there’s the song.

Look, that song is beautiful.  It has been an important song for a lot of people over the years, but here’s the thing: it’s about suicide.  Take a good listen again to lyrics, e.g.: “There’s always some reason to feel not good enough/ And it’s hard at the end of the day” and you will quite quickly put it together.  It’s not even secretly about it like how almost every classic rock song from the late 60s is about drugs/tripping/bad trips on good drugs/etc.

Screw those commercials. To the tune of “Angel” everyone can emote and type words about sad dogs, but when a polar bear is clutching a bit of ice and floating away into the Arctic Ocean, nobody speaks up.  It’s Sarah McLachlan’s fault.  The only way she can correct this is by writing a song equally tear jerking.  She can do it. She started Lilith Fair TWICE. She can save the effing polar bears.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We’re back together again so soon. Isn’t this nice? I get to binge watch, and you can binge read right alongside me? Is not this simpler? Jk jk jk I’m not Loki. On today’s episode, Andi and the six remaining guys migrate to Brussels, Belgium. The episode is rife with tension and drama as the decisions made here will impact who goes home for the coveted Home Town Dates. And now, we begin.

The dudes are really showing off their muscles in Brussels! HA HA HA I’m so sorry (not really) but I had to. I had to. Anywho, the city is beautiful European, old-world blah blah very pretty. The boys are very excited about their plush ass suite, BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU: DYLAN BAD-HAIR GOOD-FACE HAS PULLED HIS BAD HAIR INTO A TEENY-TINY PONYTAIL. IT’S SO TINY, BUT IT’S GREASY AND IT’S THERE. Do you think Dylan BH-GF has become self-aware?

Chrarrison stops by the plush ass suite to imbue the guys with a sense of dread of how important the home town dates are. Nick’s confidence is really starting to rub the guys the wrong way. He is very, very determined to be with this woman, but it’s not in a The Notebook kind of way. It’s in a jerky, almost creepy sort of way.

Marcus gets the first of two one-on-ones this week. There will also be a group date with a rose that guarantees a hometown date and then an additional one-on-one.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that Andi isn’t wearing a f***ing, GD turtleneck for her date with Marcus, but I can’t. Because I’d be lying. Because SOMEHOW wardrobe has finagled her into yet another turtleneck. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW AND MY LIFE BECOME THAT TURTLENECKS ABOUND?

Marcus and Andi do the standard Bachelorette date of just exploring the city doing fun things. I am really jealous of this one. They go to a beautiful chocolate shop, take selfies with landmarks, and buy some tacky souvenirs. They even eat mussels in Brussels at a sweet sidewalk café. Marcus tells her that he is full throttle in love with her. And for the first time, in this light at this angle, Marcus looks really good to me. He’s still a little boring, but at least he’s getting hotter? That’s not a thing, Cassie.

They eat an amazing Belgian waffle and she says, “I’m glad you’re a good eater!” They kiss. He talks to camera, and you can see the excitement and love radiating off of him. Ugh. Realness.

They change into fancy-wear and go to a big Belgian palace for dinner. Immediately we get into heavy topics like how Marcus’s dad left his mom and his younger siblings. Andi asks more about the people who would be at the date (as opposed to his father), and Marcus would love to share his family with him. It’s heavy stuff. His mom and his relationship was difficult, but they are in a good place now.

Then Andi and Marcus make out. A lot. In different locations. Making out. YEAAAAH!

Marcus comes home from the date, and Nick realizes that Andi must be somewhere in the hotel. And a plot doth form in his young mind. He trots off into the night to find his lady. Remember when I thought Nick was a simple, normal guy? Yeah I don’t think that assumption was correct. Andi is so shocked to see him because she was worried that something was wrong.

She changes into her casual clothes and they go for a midnight walk in Brussels. They end up at a sidewalk café together. It’s so romantic! SHUT UP! This is a bold, bold move, and Andi is right, it’s against the rules. But just like our old friend Clare, fortune favors the bold.  Nick tells her that he thinks about marrying her. They makeout at the café like a couple of real Europeans.

“I think if I had to chose one word to describe my relationship with Nick, it would have to be passion,” Andi says. “When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking. It’s hot! It’s so hot.” Girlfriend I get it. But also be careful because the guys are going to resent him big time for this.

Then Josh gets the second one-on-one. “Let’s Ghent it on” the card reads. Whatever could it mean? Just kidding, it obviously means they’ll be exploring Ghent. They eat chocolate at several locations. Yes please! Andi wants Josh to get to a place where he can express his feelings. But then there’s a goose parade? Yes. That’s right. It’s a goose parade. Europeans, man. They love whimsy.

Andi is practically prying his true feelings out of him. He’s scared to and isn’t sharing quite like all the other guys and he needs to do that in order to stick around.

They have dinner in a giant, old castle. It’s amazing. They cuddle up on a couch set in this huge medieval hall. Andi asks more about why he was so uncomfortable last week. After much more mumbling and stumbling over his words, Josh tells Andi that he is, in fact, falling in love with her. And that to take a girl home to his family means that that is someone he might want to marry.

And then beautiful music begins to play and they dance and make out against a castle wall. And the music is actually furnished by folk group American Young playing a seriously gorgeous song in the middle of Ghent. This is really romantic except for being on a platform in front of a bunch of old Belgian couples.

Nick, Dylan, Brian, and Chris are on the group date together. Nick is very sure that he will have the group date rose. Dylan is still wearing his hair in a teeny-tiny ponytail. I think we need to adjust to our new normal here, gang. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face now wears a ponytail.

The group explores some ruins in the Belgian countryside. It is stunning and verdant and amazing. Dylan eloquently states that the “ruins” stood the test of time much like he hopes their love will. Now, Dylan, not to get picky here but the word “ruins” implies that, in fact, this place did not stand the test of time. Don’t wish for your love to end up in ruins.

 They actually take off on a rail bike that is powered by the four men pedaling a blue-metal chariot for Andi on the old train tracks. Brian starts off by quoting Dumb & Dumber by saying “it feels like your running at an incredible rate!” and now I’m in love with Brian.

The boys are dying pedaling this rail bike and come up with cute little games like rhyming to pass the time. When they get off the bikes, they get to go explore a monastery. It is a fully working monastery wherein no kissing is allowed. They actually have to say that so the dudes don’t go smooching on sacred ground.

But this is where the date rose will be given out. Which is really heavy handed and taking things REAL seriously. The date rose to be handed out on the grounds of a monastery? Ok!

Each guy gets some one-on-one time with Andi, and Chris is up first. They get to spin some pottery with zero supervision or instruction. THEN THEY KISS IN THE POTTERY STUDIO? THAT’S NOT ALLOWED? WTF GUYS? ANDI JUST SAID NO KISSING IN THE MONASTERY!

And then Andi also throws out to the group that whoever gets the rose continues on the date with her while the rest of the guys go home. They begin to panic. It’ll be ok guys.

Brian and Chris also take this time to hate Nick even more. The producer’s have kindly cut the footage so it looks like Nick has just been talking and talking and talking. They think he’s just thinking about strategy and how to play the game. I don’t know. I think he is thinking about that, but he’s thinking about that because I think he genuinely likes Andi. I don’t think he’s faking it.

Well, then it’s time for Coach Brian to walk and talk with Andi. Somehow it has become just part of “the game” that each contestant must profess that they are “falling in love with” the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they want to have any hope of getting a hometown date. So Brian takes his one-on-one time to do just that. Brian is so sweet and funny. I just love him. But I don’t know if Andi and he have that special connection.

Nick is still very self-assured in everything going on. He’s just confident that Andi will meet his family. Their conversation goes so well that they have to stand up and walk away from each other so they don’t kiss in the monastery. I would say that Nick is right to be so confident in moving onto hometowns, BUT I don’t know that he’ll get that date rose.

The moment of truth is upon us. The date rose goes to Nick. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. You can see how crestfallen the other guys are. The three amigos pile into the backseat of a van and buckle their seatbelts together like the baseball team who just lost the big game. They each take turns saying, “fuck”. It’s hilarious.

“Andi just gave me the rose, and I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick says.  The happy couple changes clothes and arrive for dinner at a beautiful palace. Nick plants one giant kiss on her right away.

Back at the Plush Ass Suite, the guys all get really steamed together about how conniving and bad Nick is. Usually, I’m on everyone’s side about “the villain”. But this season? Really, guys? I don’t know. Nick is just really confident in what he has with Andi and isn’t playing with all the other boys. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not there to be with Andi or find love. I think he is. I do. I think Nick’s intentions in this are pure.

And the one-on-one date with Andi is more evidence of that. They kiss and giggle and talk about how they would be as parents and what the hometown will be like. As fireworks go off, they make out even more. “I do see that possibility of him standing at the very end,” Andi says. Yeah, I don’t think it’s much of a secret that barring any huge disasters, Nick is one of the finalists. But who else will join him?!

When Nick returns home from his “mini one-on-one” all the guys sit in stony silence. No one wants to hear how great his time with “their” “girlfriend” was. The camera pans to each of the guys to gauge their reactions. Brian is giggling into his wine glass. Josh coughs twice. Marcus stares at the floor. And Chris has a tiny, smug smile on his face.

They start digging into him, and honestly guys? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how they think he’s a strategist and not there for Andi. I don’t CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN SELVES GUYS. Remember in first grade when someone would tattle on someone else and the teacher would say, “Thank you, Britney but you should only be worrying about Britney.” Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus, Dylan: you should only be worrying about Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus and Dylan!

The most notable thing is that Nick comes so, so, so close to saying everyone’s favorite Reality Show Catchphrase. “I didn’t come here to…be in a frat house,” says Nick. OOOH, so close buddy! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t come here to make friends.

The guys arrive at a stunning chateau that production has bedecked with the requisite candles, tea lights, and pillows from Pier 1 Imports. Andi’s dress is intense. It’s midnight blue with some serious embellishment up top and down its long sleeves. Damn I love a gown with long sleeves.

During the cocktail party, the guys seem to know that Marcus and Josh are most definitely going to Hometowns. So Chris, Brian, and Dylan are all sweating it out as to who the final rose will go to. Andi also basically tells us as much, too.

Everyone is nervously pulling her aside to robotically remind Andi that they are each falling in love with her. Even Nick pulls her aside to have a moment with her despite having a rose. The guys accordingly react.

But the moment of truth is swift upon us. Andi gives a stirring speech about how seriously she takes hometowns. That for her, it means she sees a serious possibility of being with that person for the rest of her life.

Roses go to, of course, Josh and Marcus first. And that leaves our three boys to sweat it out. In the end, it goes to Farmer Chris. And I think that’s the right call. My sad little heart weeps for Coach Brian and Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face. Dylan cries. Andi cries. Brian cries. Andi cries more. It’s an emotions FESTIVAL in that chateau.

But I think Andi has the right final four. And hometowns are going to be really interesting I think with several of these guys. But it’s also the episode during which they find out that Eric has died. And that’s going to be really emotional and difficult to watch. So bear with me as I figure out how to convey everything that’s going on with a very serious subject on a very ridiculous show.

Until then my loves! My hope is to be all caught up by the time we get to the Men Tell All on Monday. Fingers crossed!

Henley Monday -

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I had a great weekend. Did you have a great weekend? My weekend was so great that I'm currently dearly paying for my choices.

But late last night it came screaming to my attention that Mr. Chris Evans my No. 1 Hollywood Hunk of Choice was GRAND MARSHALL OF THE DAYTONA 500.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

Yeah. It happened. And there are lots of pictures of him in this henley that is practically painted on. His hair is perfectley coiffed and his beard is a perfect length, but I really had a moment were I thought, "you know, maybe he's bulked up too much."

And then I laughed forever. I'm still laughing now. Because who in the blessed world am I to comment on the exact state of Chris Evans' PRISTINE physical fitness? I am a human slug. I ate half a fried chicken sandwich in bed last night at 2 am! I am GARBAGE.It is I who lives upon the Death Star feasting on refuse and the occasional rebel who falls into my chambers! And I had the audacity to think maybe Chris Evans should consider my opinions on his physical appearance and fitness?

No. No my friends. He should keep doing his Captain America thing and being the Grand Marshall of any event! Grand Marshall of our hearts and ALL the parades!!!