Im Catching Up On Juan's "journey" Now And Would Just Like To Say That Elise Is 27 And Chelsie Is 24

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

            There is no time wasted jumping into this week’s episode which purports to be filled with drama and jealousy and dumb, dumb group dates.

Sarah, the beautiful girl born with one arm, wins the very first solo date and she’s just humbly excited as the other girls humbly plan her murder. She actually seems lovely and well-adjusted, but the producers just keep making her talk about the fact that she only has one arm. It’s kind of hard to understand who she is as real, NORMAL PERSON, when all you keep making her say is ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM.

As if from on high, Sean arrives to pick up his date in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Week two, date number one, we’ve got a helicopter. This show is going to make me lose sense of the word helicopter. Sean picks up adorable Sarah and tries desperately not to reach out and grab her stump as he helps her in.

“Oh! So amazing!” he says devoid of true emotion as they sweep over the “feh” landscape of LA.

Sarah voices over, “I might seem unapproachable to you guys because I have one arm, but my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Please God let this be the last mention of her phantom limb.

“We are really high up, if you haven’t noticed,” Sean helpfully points out when they land on a helipad on the roof of a sky scraper. “I brought you all the way up here for a champagne toast, which is all the way down there at the bottom…We are going to free-fall three-hundred feet all the way down!”

Sarah is confused and freaked out and nervous and I’m nervous too because even thinking about heights makes my tummy sad and gurgley. But Sarah bravely trusts completely in Sean (not the cables, harnesses, etc) to guide her safely at the bottom.

I hate this. It is a horrific nightmare somewhere between sky-diving and bungee jumping. I would probably go through with it but I would be displeased at having to prove my ability to have an adult relationship by performing death defying stunts. They make it down, her shrieking the whole way and him kind of bellowing. What a f*cking well-earned glass of champagne that girl drinks down.

Sean and Sarah change into formal ware for “dinner” on what appears to be the bed of a concubine to the King of Siam. Sarah tells a really touching story about not being allowed to zip line because of her disability (ONE ARM) and that today meant a lot that Sean(the stunt company) trusted (made her sign a waiver) in her ability to do something so courageous and fun.

Sean replies by saying that he considers himself a man. Oh, Sean. Help me out here. To be fair though, he’s very affectionate in a not gross way towards her and their body language (MINUS ONE ARM) seems comfortable.

Group date card arrival! Kristie, Katie, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Erin, Kacie, and Tierra (barf) are going to “capture the romance”. That’s thirteen. Thirteen women on a group date. Tierra’s pissed. Tierra looks like Latina Britney Spears.

Back on the date, they discuss past relationships and why they didn’t work blah blah blah. Then they head back up the helipad of the building they jumped off for more champagne. He gives her the rose and they kiss! They are blonde and cute.

Now we’re piling into limos for the group date! Most girls are euphoric while Tierra wears her best stank face. They pull up to an insane looking Beverly Hills chateau and Sean in a purple henley. Sean tells them they’ll be doing a photo shoot for covers of Harlequin romance novels. Kristy the Ford model goes insane at the idea. And taking a strange Top Model-esque turn, the girl they decide has the most “real chemistry” with Sean will grace the covers of three different books. Like, why? Why? How is that an incentive? This is one of the dumbest group dates ever.

The girls are grouped into four categories: cowgirls, sexy glam, vampires, and historical. Cowgirls are up first and do such sexual things as embracing on bales of hay, embracing next to a horse, embracing while feed a horse an apple flat-palmed safety-ways so fingers don’t get bitten off.

Everyone already hates Tierra and feels like she’s psycho-high-maintenance-judgmental-fake. Which she may very well be. She is very aggressive and already hates having to share Sean with anyone. This is her face. THIS IS HER FACE.

Kristy the Ford model really takes the reins on her shoot and does some good, sexy modeling, I think? Mr. Jay isn’t there to tell me if she’s too posey, so I have no real idea. But he liked her energy, and she wins the contract. How lucrative.

Now it’s pool party time! Pool party in cocktail attire! Leslie M. is the first to pull Sean away based on their chemistry from the photo shoot. She seems a little young to me and Sean seems like an old soul. They like each other, but they’re kind of awkward together. She’s giggling and he wants to kiss her but won’t and I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable.

As the girls “steal Sean for a second” one by one, Leslie musters up the courage to just take action and get that kiss. Go girl! Daniella is comically upset, but she’s got some cocktails in her so girlfriend’s gonna be alright.

Sean’s favorite thing is to put his hand on a lady’s leg protectively yet affectionately. He does this with Kacie who I’m obviously rooting for because I love her and want to be her friend. They agree that they’re going to explore if they have something. Good. Please let them having something.

Catherine is vegan and makes a joke that “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” And Sean thinks it is a TERRIFIC joke. Heavens, does he give a hearty guffaw over that. It might be the first joke he's ever heard and is delighted at the idea of comedy.

Then we cut to Tierra stuffing her face as she lays herself out on a chaise lounge in a dress covered in boob-fringe. Girl.  Boob fringe is not the way to secure a husband. Selma tries to include her but she refuses. Selma is trying to be nice, but Tierra’s hungry and busy ostracizing herself.

When they talk, Sean tries to reassure Tierra about the whole “process” and about not getting hung up on girl drama. He likes her. He likes her chutzpah. Which. Gross. Why is there always one gross girl that the Bachelor is just blinded by? Every time.

Katie the yoga instructor with amazing curly hair is uncomfortable with “the process”. She talks to Sean who immediately gives her his jacket when she says she’s cold. Swoon. She decides that she needs to go because it’s not the right setting for her. Which is fine and she did it early on and did it with dignity. So he walks her out. Good for her. And good for Sean for being such a gentleman about it. The other girls are just secretly glad to have one less lady around.

It’s rose time. Kacie is GUNNING for it. If he gives it to Tierra I’ll die. But he doesn’t! He gives it to Kacie. That’s my girl! Too bad Tierra says she wants to punch Kacie B. for winning the rose.

Now Sean meets up with the almighty Chrarrison to plan a prank to pull on poor unsuspecting Desiree for her one on one date.

It’s at an art gallery, and I swear to God Chris Harrison says the word “supposably” just like Joey in that one episode of Friends. The plan is for a “supposably” priceless work of art to break and for Desiree to think it’s all her fault! Oh! What droll fun that will be! I always thought this show should be more like Punk’d!

Desiree is just thrilled to be at an art gallery filled with people. That should’ve been her first trigger because never in the history of this show has a date occurred in the presence of other humans. They pull Sean away for an interview leaving Des alone in the room with the priceless work of art priced at $1.5 million. Back in the secret viewing room, Sean begins to regret pulling this heinous prank on really sweet girl.

Then the sculpture thing falls and shatters. Des is trying to keep a game face but is panicked. The actors are being super mean and accusatory to her. She feels terrible. THIS IS THE MOST FUN IMAGINABLE ON A FIRST DATE.

Sean comes in to save the day all, “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m gonna support you. I’m always gonna support you.” WHICH SEEMS TO BE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK FOR A FIRST DATE, SEAN. She looks at him like he’s crazy.

 “But tonight I don’t have to, because these are actors!” he beams. Yes there is so much to be proud of with that stunt you ass.

Since Des took the prank so well, Sean decides it’s alright if she comes back to his place for dinner and a nice date that’s not having fun at her expense. How chivalrous.

Back at his bachelor pad, they have a steak, broccoli, and wild rice dinner. To be honest, that sounds delicious and low key and fun. As they get to know each other, they perpetuate this horrible idea that only people whose parents have successful relationships know how to love and can be good life partners. I’ll fly into a rage about that later, but for now, the two of them look very cozy. They get even cozier as they take a little hot tub time. Hot tub on a first date sounds horrible to me, but everyone on this show seems to love it.  

Des gets the rose and gives a long pause after he asked to accept the rose. She says the prank was rude but then she’s is pranking HIM and accepts ahahahahahah! MORE COMEDY.

At the cocktail party there is a truly horrifying display of cocktail attire from the ladies. Lindsay the wedding dress girl wants to save some face after wearing a WEDDING DRESS and getting a little too drunk the first night in the mansion. Sean pretends to be all very amused by it. They talk about, what else, family. It’s Sean’s favorite topic, so I think she pretty much secured her rose by sharing how much she wants a family.

Back in the living room with all the ladies, Amanda is wearing a pretty yellow dress and an angry face. And, they may have edited this, but she seems to be completely unresponsive to even a direct line of questioning. Very rude and negative.

Robyn is concerned about race and whether or not Sean is attracted to “black females” which is a pretty broad statement. Like, I’m not attracted to all Japanese males just like I’m not attracted to all Venezuelan males. But still, I can see her concern, and she bravely asks him outright.

Sean answers pretty honestly and openly with much the same sentiment. “It’s the mind, and it’s the woman behind the physical appearance,” he says. He’s attracted to who he’s attracted to, and, in fact, his last girlfriend was black. So he just makes the whole point moot and they move on. Man that made my heart swell a little.

Selma tries to teach him a little Arabic. I like her even more. She teaches him to say “you are very beautiful” and she’s just a nice woman and is very, very pretty.

Sour faced Amanda perks right up as soon as Sean steals her away, much to the chagrin of all the other women who think she is rude and mean and arrogant. All they can keep saying is the age-old adage that she’s “not here for the right reasons”.

Rose ceremony time. Sean is conflicted, but here’s who is safe.

Roses from previous dates: Sarah, Kacie B., Desiree.

Roses from tonight: Ashley, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristie, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda Drama Queen.

Leaving eliminated only two ladies, Brooke and Diana. That is so many women left that I’m concerned this will be an excruciatingly long process. We have much to look forward to in the drama department next week however as Tierra becomes even more territorial which is ironic considering her name means land in Spanish (it also means Earth and dirt which are also fitting).

See you next time!

Henley Monday:

It's October 1st! Ryan Gosling, patron saint of the henley, shakes his fist at you for not taking advantage of PERFECT henley weather.

Ryan Gosling shakes his fist as if to say, "Men, throw on a thermal or a flannel henley. Ladies, throw your sexy eyes the way of those well-dressed men."

Amen, Ryan, amen.

Henley Monday - Early Edition

Last week I was on vacation, and thus could not bring you your regular dose of henley. To make up for it, I'm posting twice today. That's right TWO pics of two DIFFERENT famous people wearing the greatest single piece of menswear.

Say hello to our friend Andrew Garfield as he leans close to you, now closer, and a little closer. He just wants to be near to you, and you just want to stare into his deep brown eyes and maybe hang around long enough that Emma Stone shows up, because as beautiful as he is you would never want to break up such a perfect couple who clearly have the most fun in the history of fun and you'd just want to be around those high levels of charm in hopes that it's contagious and eventually convince them to engage in some sort of sister-girlfriends situation.

Andrew Garfield also wins for having sky-high poofy hair that based on my scientific research MUST smell like the Elysian Fields after a light spring rain.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

Oh Sandra...Sandra, Sandra, Sandra Lee. This might be the single worst item of food ever prepared on the Food Network.

Initially I thought my only commentary for this was a hearty "What the F$%&?", but after several viewings, I actually have a lot of words and thoughts in my confused brain about this abomination.

Here are some highlights:

1) What we're making for desert is a Baked Potato Sundae. Again, in case you missed it: a baked potato sundae (no potato involved).

2) For being "super simple" there is a lot of molding and cling wrap wrangling involved.

3) Not once have I ever sat thinking to myself "Huh, that pesky lid to my butter dish is always around with no purpose. Whither shall I make best use of it?" BECAUSE ITS USE IS PRETTY EXPLICIT. IT'S THE LID-TO YOUR BUTTER-DISH- SANDRA.

4) Plain powdered coco has a horrible texture, does not taste great, and coats the inside of your mouth which totally makes it a great candidate for a key desert component, no?

5) "Fancy spray stuff" the fancy stuff...from a can...that sprays...

6) When it's complete, the flavors going into that sundae are as follows: vanilla, raw coco powder, lemon, pistachio.

7) Why? Just...WHY???

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

Henley Monday -

It's hotter than blazes outside and the humidity in most parts of the country is about 110%. The air is a moist, thick soup that clings to the body like a koala bear to a tree. So the only appropriate recourse is to hide in air conditioning and look at pictures of guys in henleys as hot as sun soaked pavement.

Enter Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He plays a heroic, uber-masculine, courageous, smooth-talking FBI agent on the TV and I have a feeling he may have a few of those very same characteristics in real life as well.

Bless you Shemar, for many seasons of your procedural crime drama to come.

Today is traditionally Henley Monday. It's usually a day for just a little bit of good-looking distraction when we're feeling tired and focusing on our own needs. But while I was working on today's post, the news broke about the explosions at the Boston Marathon. So I decided to change courses just a bit.

On a day when we normally need distractions from that which annoys us, let's focus on the things we're grateful for and put some good energy back into the world. 

Mr. Rogers is not only a national treasure and model of casual menswear at its finest, but someone who always brought positive light and who, even in death, reminds us of the overwhelming good that still exists even in the most trying and confusing of times in our human existence.

Say a prayer or send out your thoughts of peace and healing to the innocent people affected by the tragedy, and say a prayer for the helpers, for the people still working to make things right. Be a helper yourself if you can. Let's bring some comfort and do Mr. Rogers proud.

Menswear Fun Fact: The red sweater Mr. Fred Rogers is wearing in this picture is now on display at the Smithsonian as a "Treasure of American History". That is some powerful casual wear.

Game of One Direction:

In the game of One Direction, you live or you die. Or rather, you love and you cry. 

Let’s start in the North and work our way down south (that’s not meant to be sexual; we’re starting at The Wall and ending in Dorne, with an added treat at the end). Just who in the Seven Kingdoms are they? I’m SO glad you asked. 

Liam Payne = Jon Snow

First off, the physical similarities are uncanny; they both look like pouty neglected puppies with beautiful deep chocolate eyes and scruffy facial hair. Their faces just SCREAM love me, and I do boys, I love you more than Arya loves revenge. Deeper than that though is that they also have that quality that says,”I’ll make a life long vow to protect your kingdom, babe, but I’ll also have hot forbidden cave sex with you.”

Like Jon Snow, Liam would fight a giant for you; he looks amazing in midnight black threads; and is a natural born leader. The people he surrounds look to him for answers, guidance, and approval, a position he fills with natural ease. Liam wields his pen to write love songs that slay a young girl’s heart like Jon wields his sword to slay the White Walkers. Excuse me while I swoon!

It took both Liam and Jon a couple hundred thousand words to find their niche, but once they did they became warrior poets. I love you my brave boys. 

Also, Liam’s last name is an homonym for “pain”, which is what Jon Snow is in all the time. 

Laim, you can be the watcher on my wall, the sword in my darkness. Please be my fire that burns against the cold, my light that burns the dawn… 

Louis Tomlinson = Tyrion Lannister  

Ok, before everyone goes all Red Wedding on me, HEAR ME OUT. 

Like Tyrion, no one gives Louis enough damn credit. He’s the type of person with whom you’d get sloppy wine drunk and giggle like a pair of jesters till the sun comes up, all while bearing his soul to you bit by bit. By the dawn, he’s your new obsession. The minute someone pointed a cross bow at you, Louis would rush to your defense armed with only his acerbic wit. He can insult you to your face so cleverly that you won’t realize he’s done it till he’s sauntering away, but it’s so charming, you ain’t even mad. Louis and Tyrion are always five steps ahead of everyone else in the room, a constant reminder that you’ll never be as badass as they are. 

Underneath Louis’ sarcasm lies a heart that’s literally made of gold. The heart of a warrior, a lover, a true prince. Louis is a precious gift from the seven gods, AND WE NEED TO TREASURE HIM. 

You light a wildfire in me that burns bright and cannot be quenched. The world is in your debt, Louis, we’ll try to be more like a Lannister and always pay you back.

P.S. - It should be noted that Louis has the regal cheekbones of Cersei and is as handsome as Jamie. 

Harry Styles = Margery Tyrell

If I could describe Margaery Tyrell in one word it would be charming. Has anyone ever been more charming than she? There wasn’t one. Not one, that is, until Harry Styles climbed out of the primordial ooze of X factor. 

Think about it: Margaery is so beautiful, so sweet, so charming that she had Joffrey (noted psychopath and sadist) wrapped around her perfect finger. Margaery had Joffrey turn from screaming for the head of every peasant who side-eyed him to giving them free food. Remind you of anyone?

Harry is the type of person you could walk through a garden with while casually discussing sexual preference, a man who would glide into an orphanage handing out toys and love. A man with dimples the size of craters, and hair as majestic as a peacock’s tail. And no one, I repeat no one can pull off wearing the deepest of V-cut clothing like these two. 

Oh Harry, you’re a queen. Not just A queen, the queen. 

P.S. - Come 2020, I predict Harry will reach Margaery levels of hair majesty. 

Zayn Malik = The Red Viper Himself, Oberyn Martell

Once upon a time there was a Sun Prince. A Sun Prince so sexual, so captivating, so dazzling it felt as though all light and warmth came from his being and not the sun. That man was Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik. 

When Oberyn Martell glides into a room, all objects and persons slowly begin to revolve around him like the planets circle the sun. Zayn is no different. Zayn is a god, an enigma. Zayn just might be the same sun that’s affixed on the Martell banner. 

Oberyn and Zayn share a love of the beautiful things in life: art, music, his lady love. Don’t be fooled by his calm and charming exterior; Zayn is fierce. Zayn can seduce you with a look, wears the hell out of a dress coat, and would avenge your death twenty years after your murder. Others throw themselves at his feet, but he remains loyal only to you. 

Also, lets not forget when Niall got pulled down by paps at the airport and Zayn was all:

Most importantly, Oberyn’s fluid skillful twirl fighting is the physical representation of Zayn’s vocal riffing. 

No one has ever been as alluring as Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik 

Niall Horan = Hot Pie

Don’t be fooled by  his Targaryen good looks. Niall is Hot Pie through and through

Hot Pie may just be the best character in the whole series. Niall may just be the best person on the whole planet. 

When you’re sad and full of despair because you failed your test or perhaps because your whole family has been violently murdered, Niall is always there to make you smile. 

Like Hot Pie, Niall doesn’t get caught up in the tedious drama of everyday life. Sure, he supports you in your never-ending quest for violent revenge, but he doesn’t play the politics game himself. His carefree spirit and absentminded musings always bring a smile to your face and make him universally loved. It’s impossible not to adore these two. 

Remember the time that Hot Pie baked Arya bread in the shape of a direwolf like a motherfucking gentleman? Who else would do this for you but Niall? He might take a bite or six out of it before gifting it to you, but it’s the thought that counts. 

You bet your bottom gold dragon that this boy would shower you with love, humor, and loyalty. 

P. S. I had a sheer moment of panic this morning of “wait, is Harry ‘I used to be a baker’ Styles Hot Pie?”. But I feel my gut was right.

P.P.S. -.  My favorite sentence in ASOIAF is “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie” and my favorite member of 1D is Niall Horan. What do these two facts have to do with each other? Nothing at all. I just wanted to write “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie.” Now I’ve done it twice. 

P.P.P.S. - If you disagree with me, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know your opinions. I’d love to gently correct you on them. 

Henley Monday -

Some Mondays you're a little sluggish after a nice, relaxing weekend. Some Mondays you wish that the weekend could be one day longer. Some Mondays you wish you had never tried a thing called white whiskey which might as well be called "Moonshine - Don't drink this unless you're a drifter from the 1930s or a Swanson".

However you're feeling today, let these pictures of hunkety-hunk Matt Bomer doing manly things sooth you. Look at him carry that shovel, gazing so thoughtfully, probably going to go rescue a horse in danger. And then he shows off the henley's utility by doing some woodwork on a piece of reclaimed pine.

What a treasure.