Henley Monday -

Two Recomendations In One!

I often find myself clicking endlessly through Netflix trying to find something, anything to watch that matches my mood. I love a good documentary as much as the next socially conscious functioning member of society in her mid-twenties, but those can sometimes be so dark and downtrodden. When I’ve just come home from a particularly hard day at work, I don’t really have the peace of mind to watch FORGIVING DR. MENGELE which has been on my queue for two years. It’s in those times that I find myself craving a certain “je ne sais quoi” in viewing: nothing too heavy, but not so light that I lose interest.

Enter Linda Holmes. Who’s that now? That’s Linda Holmes, head writer and editor of NPR’s pop culture blog Monkey See. At least, that’s how she intros herself on the weekly pop culture round table podcast she hosts called POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR. It’s a terrific cast of characters from NPR Music’s Stephen Thompson, theater and movie critic Trey Graham, and the ever ebullient Glen Weldon who writes about books and comic books for the NPR website. Each week they discuss a few carefully curated topics ranging from current affairs to things like “Pop Culture to which All Children Should Be Exposed”. My favorite part comes at the end of each 45-55 minute episode, however, when they discuss “What is Making You Happy This Week?”, a chance for each contributor to mention something in the zeitgeist that is making them happy in which the listener can also partake.

A few weeks ago Linda Holmes had sent out a few wayward tweets regarding a show called MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES that had come recommended to her. Shortly after, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES came up as Linda’s choice for what was making her happy that week. Despite having VASTLY different opinions on the most recent HOBBIT film, Linda Holmes has never led me astray in a pop culture recommendation. So when I read the IMDb byline of the show, I knew I had to watch.

It reads: Our lady sleuth sashays through the back lanes and jazz clubs of late 1920's Melbourne, fighting injustice with her pearl-handled pistol and her dagger sharp wit.

What else could you possibly want or need in a TV show? All thirteen episodes of the first of two seasons are streaming on Netflix, so the task isn’t monumental. It’s a costume drama; so even with riveting stories and charisma absolutely bursting through the screen, it’s beautiful to look at. And for me, it is a thrilling look into history in a part of the world I honestly don’t know much about.

There’s romance; there’s murder; there’s fashion; there’s dancing; there’s a pair of communist cab drivers; there’s a lesbian, cross-dressing surgeon; there’s a ladies maid who overcomes her fear of the telephone; there’s intrigue! There’s everything, INCLUDING a dashing, devilishly handsome and masculine police inspector Detective Jack Robinson.

Miss Phryne Fisher is the embodiment of a Roaring Twenties, 20th century woman. I powered through the first six episodes in one day, and then loved it so much that I slowly and deliberately took a full week to watch the remaining seven episodes. I cannot recommend this show highly enough, especially to those of you between television “projects”. If you’ve just finished BREAKING BAD and are about to endeavor upon DEXTER, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES might just be the perfect palate cleanser you’ve been looking for. Or, if you just need thirteen episodes of pure delight, there’s no way you can miss out on this fabulous show.

I would, of course, also be remiss in failing to mention that POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR has provided pop culture enjoyment in dividends in the three years I've been listening to it. Really wonderful stuff.

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

Sex And The Single Churl: Another 'Bachelorette' Finale Gets Weird

Monday night's Bachelorette finale went in a very unusual direction for a show that usually denies the degree to which it's about sex.

At the end of our Very Special And Dramatic Finale Recap, I said that we still had some things to talk about. It hasn't been my habit to also recap the After the Final Rose special because it's usually just a time-filling parade of joy/despair. 

And this year was fairly similar; it doesn't warrant an entire recap. However, Nick was so distraught after his being dumped that he...said...some things on the special that deserve to be talked about. And I could try and parse them all out and whittle down my rage into thoughtful comments, but why bother when Linda Holmes has done so much more gracefully than I ever could?

So I defer, once again, to her infinite wisdom and humor to communicate not only the events of the AFR Special, but also to put them into thoughtful perspective. God, she rules.

BREAKING: SPECIAL EARLY-EDITION OF HENLEY MONDAY DUE TO EARTH-SHATTERING AWESOMENESS OF CONTENT

You. Guys. I can't even. I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T EVEN SO LET'S DO BULLET POINTS UNTIL I CAN MAKE REAL SENTENCES:

Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, JC Chasez, and that black guy singing a classic 90s R&B slow jam

Mickey Mouse Club and Disney Channel allowing this to air

the pelvic thrust/hip gyration dance moves that are the only choreographed thing about this

Itty-bitty Britney Spears coming out at the end and saying "y'all" to us

The Gos is the weakest singer of the group but ASK ME IF I CARE

Wardrobe. Wardrobe gets an A++ for everthing, particularly for dressing them in clothing 6 to 8 times larger than their bodies and the beige, taupe, & cream color scheme

WARDROBE. FOR PUTTING A HENLEY ON RYAN. EFFING. GOSLING -PATRON SAINT OF HENLEYS (MAY HE EVER BE BLESSED AND HIS PECS ALWAYS BE STRONG)

We have video evidence of what is perhaps the genesis of Ryan Gosling's 20+ year love affair with what he has always known to be the single greatest piece of casual menswear ever stitched into existence.

#BLESSED

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

#100 Ben-Hur - A Film of Epic Porportions

As the first post for the AFI Challenge, this is a bit of a rough draft for posts down the road. I'm trying to hammer out the formula for these still, but without further ado here is...

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                                   The Good:

The genre classification of William Wyler's 1959 classic is "epic", and it lives up to its name.  The film's running time is 3 hours and 42 minutes and spans the course of many years, just like its Greek namesakes. We follow our hero, jewish prince Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) as he is betrayed, enslaved, rectified and vindicated.  There is Roman indulgence and opulence, there is injustice, there is a slave ship, there is a sea battle, there are sheiks, there is leprosy, there is Jesus Christ, and there is, of course...

               Ben-Hur's horses are genuine Lipizzaners; Messala's have been dyed black.

A CHARIOT RACE! This race is one of the most famous scenes in movie history for good reason. It. Is. Awesome. Once you've reached the intermission and popped in disc two (you read that all correctly), you're a bit weary. You think this movie might never end. So much has happened, but all you can remember is Charlton Heston regularly looking like he's throwing up in his mouth then swallowing the bile back down again. Until! The chariot race. 

It took the team three weeks to film with nine teams of live horses and drivers in the beating Italian sun.  The scene lasts a total of 9 gripping minutes when our hero finally exacts his revenge on Messala (Stephen Boyd), once his closest friend, now his betrayer!

                   Gore Vidal stated that in his (uncredited) over-haul of the screenplay that he wrote in homoerotic subtext to Judah and Messala's relationship. The actors later claimed ignorance, but come on.

Contrary to popular myth, and to the credit of the crew, no one actually died during the chariot race.  The props department made individual jointed and weighted dummies that would perfectly mimic the human body's reaction to be run over by several teams of galloping horses and chariot wheels.

Finally, it's a good story. Like so many stories set in Roman times, we have a man unjustly set into servitude and we get his redemption.  We're rooting for this very toothy, robust, blue-eyed Jew to get back to his mother and sister.

The Bad:

                                       This guy is definitely a Jew and definitely not a gun enthusiast. 

It is long.  It is so long. It is very, very, very long. And for a movie that is just shy of four hours, its pacing is surprisingly off.  One minute we're on a slave ship, then a minute of horses parading later Judah is a Roman statesman, yet another five minutes later he is returning to Jerusalem after years of living it up and racing chariots in Rome. It's jarring. You really have to prepare yourself to take on this endeavor. There's also a love story that is lazily and unnecessarily tossed in. It neither pleases nor sates me.

The Reason:

Ben-Hur is one of two films ever to win 11 academy awards (the other is Titanic). However, it is the most winning film ever at the Academy Awards because back in 1959 there were only 12 categories.  This means Ben-Hur won every, single award except one, best screenplay.  And we thought this year's Grammys were predictable.

It's also a classic in so many ways. It's a tale as old as Rome, told in the Roman fashion. It is classic Hollywood to its core in the lavish set decoration and lengths to achieve authenticity, in its acting and its grandeur. The story's uniqueness comes in that it is at once nothing at all to do with the life of Jesus Christ and everything to do with the life, and death, of Jesus Christ.

                             You probably don't believe me that this is the coolest scene in the movie.

And in, what I'm sure is going to be a common theme during this process, what I might look at as old and hokey, was ground-breaking. It set the standard by which everything from that point on was measured, earning it the #100 spot.

The Food!

For this film, I wanted to make something that embodied the clash of cultures in the story. I finally came up with making a Roman slow-cooked brisket. Brisket is, to me, a strong representative of Jewish food, with any Jew I've ever met claiming his/her mom makes the best (to the mothers' delight, I'm sure).

To showcase the Roman culture crush, I first cooked bacon in my dutch oven, leaving the fat to sear the brisket with. I then made a pretty standard braising base with carrots, celery, onions, red wine, and tomatoes. I then covered the brisket in the partially cooked bacon and nestled it in for 2.5 hours.

Of course, no braise would be complete without bread to sop up all the juices and goodness.  I made a simple garlic parmesan pretzel bread under the broiler.

We ate like the Roman senate, ad nauseum.

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

    The world traveling continues this week for Emily and her noble man-harem as they take over Dubrovnik, Croatia. As the numbers dwindle, relationships and “connections” are growing stronger and the real players of the game are breaking ahead of the pack. Based on the previews this looks like quite the week in drama (and in kissing), so let’s jump right in.

Dubrovnik looks like something out of another century with all its Old World beauty and integrity. Emily is sad that Ricki had to go back to Charlotte, but she is here to figure her sh*t out this week. The men continue arriving via unique modes of transportation and pull into the port city by boat after sufficient oogling and ogling all the beautiful sights on the Adriatic coast.

            Emily pops into the dudes’ suite to announce the dates. I already want to kill Ryan for his slime face, but Travis (remember Shelly?) gets the date! He is so excited and relieved. They will be exploring old Dubrovnik together and doing many special touristy things.

After wandering and arm holding like best friends, they come upon a thing called the balancing stone. Emily reads from a card out of frame that if you can stand on it and remove an item of clothing, you will be lucky in love. So, the two of them monkey around for a solid couple of minutes trying to accomplish the task, “Come on, we are not leaving here until one of us is lucky in love!” Emily is disappointed that Travis didn’t take his shirt off on the stone even though she(the producers) gave him the perfect set-up! Real talk though, she has got to cool it with all the being alone forever freaking out. She’s got this.

         When they come across a jaunty street musician Emily remarks, “All with just three strings!” to which Travis replies, “YEAAAAHHH!!!!!” and then twirls her. He is a man-child. They do a little line dance which is silly and dorky and a little embarrassing for Americans, but good for them for managing to have fun.

The men are debating Travis’ prospects in the suite, but the important thing is the TANK TOP RYAN IS WEARING YOU GUYS.  First of all, it might be on backwards. Second of all, it’s a white TANK TOP, not an undershirt. It has the weirdest neckline, and it offends me. I am offended by it. Ryan is convinced Emily prefers his bad-boy to Travis’ goofball saying “I am that bad boy. My mean man can come out on the football field. I miss him sometimes…” Your “mean man”? What the eff?!

              Up in a castle high on the city walls, it has begun to rain, but that won’t put a damper on the “dinner” portion of Emily and Travis’ date. Travis hasn’t had very much screen time, which I think is a shame. He seems like a really sweet and funny guy. When Emily asks about his engagement, he opens right up and honestly responds to all her pretty revealing questions. I don’t think that the two of them have the full romantic love Emily wants, but he is definitely a great guy.

 I also like him because after their soul-baring conversation he says, “I’m sorry. I hope you weren’t hungry because we haven’t had a bite.” THANK YOU! Nobody wants cold Croatian food! I’m beginning to think she made them agree to never film her eating in her contract.

John, Doog, Sean, Jef, Chris, and Arie are all on the group date that obliquely states, “Lasting love requires bravery.” Most of them obviously wanted the one-on-one and are especially upset that Mr. Cocky Butthead Ryan gets the precious Emily time. He villains himself in a Bentley-esque way saying that he can always turn on the charm and get the girl. Yikes.

Back in the castle, Emily picks up the rose and tells Travis how much she likes him as a person, but that the romance just isn’t there. She isn’t giving him the rose, and he is the picture of a gentlemen while being so, so sad. He is so ready to find love and sheds some tears on his way out. Travis is so distraught that he throws away his umbrella and leaves it on the street. Poor Travis. Maybe he can go pick the pieces of Shelly back up and start a life with her.

Group date time! It is a gorgeous day as the men meet Emily in the center of town for a special screening of “Brave” the new Pixar movie! I am so jealous! Someone quips to make sure “It’s not Shakespeare”. The men can’t help but compare Princess Merida’s situation to Emily’s with all her suitors. This is amazing that the producer’s managed to provoke them into having those thoughts!

Now that the film is over, the men change into KILTS to compete in some Highland Games! I love this. The producers have thought up the best ways to both embarrass and test these men. They seriously look great in kilts. “Last week it was a dress…this week it’s a kilt,” bemoans Arie while Jef beams, “I’m in the middle of Croatia. Wearing a skirt!” The two of them are possibly my favorite contestants in Bachelorette history.

               The next strange mode of transport is the donkeys on which the men arrive at the Highland Games battlefield. In a confusing mix of cultures, Croatian men traditionally ride donkeys into battle, so that’s how they arrive at the mock Scottish festival. The dramatic music picks up as the men perform feats of strength. Archery!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels. The caper(log) toss!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels! Something else that sounds like “made leashk” which is akin to a tug-o-war with a stick rather than a rope! At which Chris fails because he chose to challenge DoogSMASH and Sean ultimately wins! But lo and behold, Chris wins the bravery award for giving it his all despite losing. Sean is bummed out that he was such a man that even the Scotsmen dressed as medieval knights were impressed and still didn’t get a rose.

       For the cocktail hour, the men begin to display their emotional feats of strength.  Everyone is gunning for the date rose to assure Emily they miss her and like her and want her body, etc, etc. Arie makes amends for what happened in London as they take a walk in the city. And then he kisses her against an ancient city wall, and it’s spicy. It is…hoo boy, y’all. Good stuff. They…like each other.

                         Jef the Elf King gives Emily his jacket for warmth because he is a noble beast, and he tells her, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about.” They are snuggled up like two little puppies and make out a little after giggling and then he says, “Can I tell you a secret? I’m freaking crazy about you.” Which is unfair because WHAT ABOUT US, JEF? WHAT ABOUT WE? All kidding aside, those two are adorable and great. But is Jef the man for her long-term for life?

Chris gets the date rose tonight. I do not get it. She seems to really like this guy even though to me he has no personality. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he looks like Sam the Eagle!

          Now that it’s time for Ryan’s date, the men let loose about what they think of him. It takes him hours to get ready. When Emily picks him up, Arie is viscerally disgusted by his sweet talk.  “The world is our pearl…no, oyster. See, I’m always seeing the positive in things. The world is our oyster, but you’re my pearl.” All the guys die laughing after he leaves.

He and Emily drive up into the mountains and then go oystering. I think if the date was with another person, it could be perfect. It looks like fun even though Emily spits her oyster right back into the water. But Ryan just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks about God a little and then calls Emily a trophy and talks more. She is conflicted about him and “goes back and forth hourly” with him.

              At dinner Emily is in a glittery and sparkly gold dress that is just stunning. Ryan is wearing turquoise shoes that are barf-tastic. She is being feisty with him and keeps pushing how dearly she hates the trophy thing that he keeps! Bringing! UP!

 Ryan wrote some more for her because his million page letter from week two wasn’t enough. This time it’s twelve qualities he’d like to find in his wife.  Emily is really turned off and levels with him that she feels the pressure to be perfect around him.

So, she picks up the rose and lists his good qualities, but says about his list that “at the top of my list would be a loving family, not a perfect one”. She knows that they just want different things ultimately. And then she does the best thing she could do for herself and doesn’t give him the rose. He is silent. Shocked.  Then he tries to convince her otherwise and says she’s making the wrong choice. He turns into a huge dick about it, actually, because he’s not such a master manipulator as he thinks. We cut to commercial as it looks like Emily might take back her decision!

            The men are debating whether or not he’s coming home. None of them want him to come home for sure.  But back on the date, Emily still holds strong and does not give him the rose. Thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness. She is a strong woman who knows what’s right for her and her child, and girl, trust all of America, this was the right choice. The men literally celebrate that he’s been cut.

Does anyone else think the streets of Dubrovnik look really shiny? They look slick and shiny. Speaking of slick, Ryan’s leaving wish is that the producer’s do a good job portraying who he truly is as a person and “not some arrogant ass”. Well, there’s a problem there Ry-ry. Who you are is some arrogant ass, and the producer’s did a great job showing you for just exactly that. They also did a great job showing all the stray cats of Dubrovnik. Seriously, so many cats roaming those shiny streets and some camera-guy got silly about it.

Arie surprises Emily at her little home! He wants to make sure she’s alright and assure her that she made the right choice re: Ryan. Probably also he wanted to sneak into her bedroom because those two need the fantasy sweet STAT. Arie also needs chapstick. His lips look a little ashy. She gives him the rose in jest, just to assure him he’ll get one the next night. Then they smooch. Somebody needs to hose them down. HOLY CRAP the way those two kiss. At the end of the night, Arie thinks He’s definitely in love. D’AWWW. Get thee to the fantasy suite!

                   The rose ceremony begins and we hear the first words out of Wolf’s mouth. This poor guy. He’s probably not a bad dude; he just did not have what it took to be a player in this game. She knows he’s on the bubble along with Doogle. Oh no, John gets choked up showing Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps with him to remind him of love and family. That’s lovely. They kiss in a very family-at-Thanksgiving way. Huh. Could he have made it over the bubble?

Doog and Emily’s alone time is awkward. He is really shy and needs to make a move. He fumbles a lot and is a little self-deprecating. She is trying to push him to be the man she knows he can be. But at the end, he didn’t make any progress and failed to convince her I think. To the other guys’ point, this guy is in the final six! She is not gonna freak out or puke or reject him or something if he makes any physical advances!

              The rose ceremony is upon us now! Emily is physically torn about the decisions she has to make this week. Ryan’s words to her last night are resonating that she shouldn’t just give up on even a chance of something great.  

Emily calls Sean, Jef, and Arie, but lo! She cannot make her final call and walks right out of the room silently. She gives the rose back to Chris Harrison and walks into the ceremony to say she couldn’t give out the final rose. PSYCH! Chrarrison brings in an EXTRA rose so that she can keep the two guys around a little longer and see where things go!! This girl plays the game by her own rules, and I respect that. Both men are totally relieved, but I have to wonder how long either of them can really stay in this game.

          Next week they are headed to Prague! Again, I’m super jealous because, wow, Prague is beautiful. There is kissing, kissing, fireworks, scenery, sweeping city shots. And apparently Arie used to date one of the producer’s and he finally comes clean! Yowza! Stay tuned for the love and the drama next week. May you all make strong connections on your journey til then.

I keep refreshing your page hoping that your Bachelor recap will pop up! When can we expect it?

First thing tomorrow morning! My life has imploded a little this week, nothing major, but Bachelor had to take a back burner. Working on the the recap right now for all you wonderful humans who give me the strength to continue on this journey!

^^^ me this week

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!

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