The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Henley Friday -

A very happy Friday is upon us as it is the week we shall all celebrate Hallowe'en and all it's spooky festivities. You might be wondering why this somewhat schlubby picture of Orlando Bloom walking his darling dog is today's feature. Well, attention all ye ambulance chasers - it was announced that he and his baby mama Miranda Kerr have separated. ALIGHT ANEW ALL YOUR PRE-TEEN DREAMS OF MARRYING LEGOLAS!

Distraction 2012 -

No need to distract yourself further, for things have come to a close in this turbulent election.Yes We Can was our slogan four years ago, and yes we did once again.

"But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope."

America. Love you, Barry.

Henley Monday -

Happy day after Cinco de Mayo everyone! I bet when you woke up today you did not regret one single decision you made yesterday and felt like not just one million, but FIVE million bucks!

Haha, jk guys, I know you're all totes hungover and full of shame and regret for participating in a vaguely racist, meaningless holiday that serves as an excuse to binge drink.

Rergardless of your actions yesterday, you're stuck in a Monday now. A Monday that seems to drag on and on, and so here is Garrett Hedlund looking FOINE as Tom Haverford of Parks&Rec might say. His eyes, that hair, the suede on that jacket over a simple grey henley make Hedlund one very sweet sight for some very sore eyes.

Que se sientan mejor de pronto, mis amigos queridos.

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

throwback to the bachelor... but am I the only one who noticed that they literally never ate the dinners. on dates there would be delicious food laid out before them and a gosh darn heaping of grapes and they never effing touched it. also, hometowns. thanks mom for making this meal for national tv and no one will eat it what?? I don't get it

This is one of my great pet peeves with the show. When do they eat?! During Emily's season especially it got to me so much that I remember screaming at the TV watching her and Jef go around the London Eye with two spectacular trifles/parfaits sitting in front of them that remained completely untouched even as they exited.

My theory for hometown food is that producers force everyone to cater the food and then just pretend to make it at home.

WHY WON'T THEY EAT THOUGH? FOOD IS SO GOOD.

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our heroine, she was deep in the throes of love with over a dozen men. Well, let's be honest, Desiree's in the throes of love with just a few men and then vaguely aware of the presence of the rest. So let’s see where this week’s journey takes us.

The first of two group dates of the episode kicks right off with Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak K., and Ben. “Love is a battlefield” is the ominous date card message. Their hackles are all riled up because Ben the Butthead will be on the date with them.

Brandon arrives wearing an orange sweatband around his head like a total goober. He’s gonna need it though because the group date is competitive dodgeball. Michael is very, very intimidated by the big burly men holding balls that they will lob at him with their bulging biceps. As if prescient, he says, “It’s only a matter of time until an ambulance shows up.”

Then Chrarrison arrives with the age old Bachelorette trick of separating the men into two teams. The team who wins the dodgeball match in the park will continue onto the second part of the date, and the others will go home. You're familiar.

Would it kill them to at least pick different team colors than red and blue for once in this show’s life? Please? How about magenta and turquoise? I could watch the magenta team pummel the turquoise team.

Ah, well, they get suited up in embarrassing short-shorts, tank tops, tube socks, and sweatbands to battle it out. They all desperately try to make sense of why this date is important to Des.

In a best of three tournament, the blue team wins first round. Red team wins the second round. But just as the whistle blows to start round three, Brooks goes down and stays down. Brooks’ finger is bleeding it’s so messed up, and the medic says, “Yeah…he’s gonna have to get that reset.”

But the game must go on! After a heated man-on-man finish, the Blue Team wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The red team is beating themselves up for not taking it home for Brooks. But Desiree plays her cards right and decides to take everyone along to the after party.

At the cocktail party, they toast to Brooks the fallen hero who is seriously messed up in the ER. Desiree pulls Brad aside to talk and he opens up that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. Now THAT is how you play your child card, BEN. You don’t WHORE HIM OUT FOR CUTENESS VALUE. Brad is very sweet and very vulnerable telling Desiree about a lot of sordid details in his past. Points for Brad. He’s also easy on the eyes, eh?

“I will always be honest with you,” we overhear Michael saying, “I am honest to a fault.” Except maybe with one very important detail about myself that could dramatically alter the trajectory of our relationship, but I’m gonna keep that shit bottled up.

Chris is a timid mortage broker trying to make his move. He pulls her up to the roof to sit alone and see the skyline. He’s adorable and seems like a caring, sincere guy.

Brooks has been released from the hospital looking like a drunken idiot. He’s obviously on pain meds and missed the chance to shower and change. He’s holding his broken finger hand up as he boldly traipses through the lobbey of a very nice hotel, intent on his mission for love.

They get some alone time and make out. He is gross and sweaty and hilariously frank due to the drugs, but she liked it, so whatever. 

Timid Chris gets the date rose though! Way to go, Chris you cutie.This means he gets a private concert from Kate Earle. Brandon continues acting like a true psycho and hunts them down to spy on Desiree and Chris dancing. When they kiss, you can almost see the fires of jealousy ignite from his body.

So we're watching Des write in a journal at home when a really weird thing happens. Chris Harrison and Desiree share a scripted phone call. Some guy has done something awful and horrible. Desiree takes off in her Bentley straight away to take care of the situation once and for all.

The perpetrator is Brian with the wonky eye. What he has perpetrated is yet to be seen, but I’m guessing it has to do with that woman we’ve seen in the previews.

She tries to gently ask him to come clean and be honest. Desiree very kindly gives him outs, and then he traps himself and digs a little hole talking about his “past” relationship. Brian says “past relationship” several times.

So Des replies, “Well are you sure that’s how she feels about it? Because she’s actually here.”

“Hi, I’m Stephanie. Brian’s girlfriend,” this new woman tries to handshake but Des is all SOLIDARITY, SIS and hugs it out.

“Aw, jeez,” is all Ryan can mutter.

The boys are going insane about all this drama. They are peering through every window like nosy sorority girls. “He’s in a lot of trouble,” is how Drew fills us in.

Stephanie is really awesome. I’m serious. I know there are rumors going around about her profession, but that doesn’t matter. She sticks up for herself and for Des and shames this absolute piece of garbage. She has a three-year-old son that Brian was a role model to and she only gets really emotional when she brings him up. Des literally has her back.

Chris is trying to regain control of the situation, but this train is off the rails. Brian continues to lie and lie and lie. The intervention music kicks in as Stephanie rails on and on about him. 

“I did throw rocks at you because you’re a jerk,” is a thing Stephanie says at one point. That’s the level of crazy we’re dealing with here. 

Finally he gets the boot. A giant man in a newsboy cap named Ollie escorts him to pack his things and leave the house. Desiree and Stephanie hug it out. And that’s that. Oh, except Brandon manages to cry about his daddy issues on camera pretty intensely. I’m uncomfortable. And worried about his (lack of) emotional stability.

Immediately following THAT escapade is Kasey’s one-on-one date! What a fun time that should be. They’re going dancing on the side of a building. They look like they have a fun time as they get a lesson, but quickly get tired out. Desiree is not feeling up to the date fun face after the morning she’s had. 

She’s looking forward to a relaxing evening on the roof of the same building they danced on. Out of nowhere, the Santa Ana’s come blowing through and wrecking the set. To lighten the mood they jump in the pool. Then the pool is cold. Then Kasey kisses her poorly with towels on their heads. It’s bad. It's one of the least coordinated Bachelorette dates I’ve ever seen.

So because she feels Kasey has been “such a great sport” through all the chaos, he gets the rose.

Group date number two will be Dan, James, Juan Pablo (MI HOMBRE JP), Bryden, and Zak W. They’re going into cowboy training! In fact, they'll be riding in a full stage coach to their bootcamp. That does not seem reasonable in Los Angeles.

Des is wearing a "beautiful gown from like the 1900s", per James, and then she does some stunt work throwing a villainous outlaw off the roof. Juan Pablo was very concerned.

Oh, cool, it's a plug for the "The Lone Ranger."  The stunt team from the movie will be teaching the guys some basic movie combat and gun work to compete for Des's heart.

Full disclosure, I think they all look super hot in their cowboy garb. It's a lot of henleys and suspenders and pants that are tight in the butt. They are having an absolute hoot! They get a little surprise when the cavalry rolls in. Juan Pablo is so excited at the sight of horses, he literally says, "Ay! ay! ay!". I love him.

James is first up to act out his little action sequence. He is obviously taking it extremely seriously. TOO BAD HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS "HUSTLE PETE". HUSTLE PETE!

"I love being rescued," Des voice overs. I could spend several thousand words talking about that phrase and this whole date and how back-ass-wards it is, but let's just continue on and pretend she didn't even say that (I don't know if I ever truly can).

Bryden's butt looks good. His hair is typically terrible. Zak is a clown who shoots from his hips. Dan Oatmeal's pants split while mounting his horse. JP speaks Spanish and is really pretty good at the action and is so hot and muy spicy.

JUAN PABLO WINS! He calls his little chatchky badge beautiful. I love him very much. They get to watch a special screening of "The Lone Ranger" with "popcorns and stuff". He seems to have a boyish playfulness, and clearly I'm biased, but I think he's a great guy. He kisses with too much tongue, though, like our old friend Sean.

Later, the guys reconvene for the rest of the group date around a fire and a nice vegetable platter.

Oh my god! One of the guys or some sweet crew member convinced Bryden to side sweep his hair! He looks one BAJILLION times better! Someone here on tumblr accurately pointed out that his front bangs are reminiscent of Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber".

Zak is so strange to me. I can't get a real read on him. He seems nice. He makes Desiree laugh. But he's orange and has crazy eyes. I'm skeptical.

I feel the same way about James: unsure. He just seems so slick and polished that I can't get a solid read on him. His dad is very sick at home, but James seems to be gung-ho about being there. Desiree reassures his presence by giving him the rose. They kiss.

The show this season has a problem turning the mic-packs off when Desiree is kissing someone. There is no noise more repulsive to human ears than other people sloppily kissing. This feels like a personal assault on my eardrums.

Wow, guys. Like, Des is so chill and off-the-cuff. She has decided to forgo the cocktail party and have a super fun pool party. They're just gonna kick back in swimsuits and see where the day takes them.

Ben immediately concocts an evil genius plan. He creepily stares out the front door, waiting for her arrival. As soon as her blue Bentley pulls up, he runs out IN RYAN'S TANK TOP OF DOOM PART 2: THE TANK TOP'S BLACK REVENGE. IF I DIDN'T HATE HIM BEFORE, MY JURY IS OFFICIALLY IN. VERDICT REACHED: PIECE OF DIRT.

Anyways, he takes her out for a spin in her car to create a "mini one-on-one" which is smart, but smarmy. He talks about being a father again. Desiree calls him humble. I'm really questioning her judge of character. The guys see her and Ben pull up and are pissed off.

As soon as she arrives, the party really gets kicked off with all the pool antics you can imagine would happen. So many antics! Dan brings her one of the pizza boxes from craft services and writes, "Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?" on the box. The answer, Oatmeal, is yes. It is.

Mikey is really bent out of shape about Ben lying to all the guys about having alone time with Desiree. He is juiced up and pissed off. Ben defends himself by saying "my dating life is private" on a nationally televised show. So, he's cool. "It's called the Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends."

Brandon takes his time alone with Desiree to be very aggressive and tell her that he will never hurt and that he is FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. THEN THEY HAVE THEIR FIRST KISS. SO. THAT'S REAL. Oh, he is not stable. "She just consumes my mind. There's nothing else to think about except how perfect and meant to be we really are," which are words a sane and stable person would declare about a girl he met two weeks ago??????????

Now that everyone has changed out of cool, chill-vibe pool gear, the rose ceremony begins. Desiree calls Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G, Mikey, and last is Ben.

Brandon is shell shocked. Dan is sad but like, he'll be fine. He handles the rejection with grace. But Brandon can't believe what's happened. He is not taking this well. After they say a short good-bye, Desiree pulls him aside to give him a well and proper explanation. Brandon repeats that he's in love with her, so he's going to regret that and also never be able to get over it.

"Once again, someone left me," he mutters, "Yeah way to go Brandon." I feel so bad for him. I know he's easy to make fun of, but he has some serious emotional issues that he should work through with a trained psychiatrist so he can lead a healthy, stable life without abandonment issues. "I can't even cry. There are no tears left"

Oh boy, I wish him well. But I'm excited for next week as the traveling begins in exotic Atlantic City! See you there, y'all.

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to the best part of the worst day of the week. I have to take a moment and come clean with all of you that I have Monday's off from work, so for me, this day is usually pretty stellar. What you all have as Lazy Sunday, I have as Lazy Monday. It works out nicely.

So today I was feeling lazy and googled 'actor henley' and up popped this little pic of Matt Lanter. He is an actor. The good people of IMDb tell me that he is best known for his turn as Liam Court on the CW's "90210". I really wouldn't know. What I do know is that he looks really good here. This henley has a nice marled texture to it, it looks heavier than an undergarment but still casual and rugged. I also know that his skin is in good hands if Kiehl's has anything to say about it.

Enjoy looking at him. I know I am.

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.

Henley Monday -

It's hotter than blazes outside and the humidity in most parts of the country is about 110%. The air is a moist, thick soup that clings to the body like a koala bear to a tree. So the only appropriate recourse is to hide in air conditioning and look at pictures of guys in henleys as hot as sun soaked pavement.

Enter Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He plays a heroic, uber-masculine, courageous, smooth-talking FBI agent on the TV and I have a feeling he may have a few of those very same characteristics in real life as well.

Bless you Shemar, for many seasons of your procedural crime drama to come.

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap!

     We are three weeks into the thrilling slog-fest that is the Bachelorette, and I expect some men to start breaking ahead of the pack this week. We open on Emily being brought breakfast in bed by her Harvey Fierstein-voiced mother. Emily is ready for the week ahead!

Chris Harrison gives the men the run-down. We get it.  No rose = bye bye.  Chris from Chicago has the first one-on-one.

Quick jump to the date with Chris and he's in a nice cotton henley and jeans. While we all know how much I love a man in a Henley, I find this guy utterly plain looking. He has no upper lip and a huge neck.

                       And with him begins the series of increasingly difficult date challenges as metaphors for relationships. They are scaling a building to get to dinner. Emily is reasonably freaked out by hanging from a building with an impending lightning storm. Chris hopes he might steal a kiss, assumedly before they die like two hanging fried squirrels.

Once they make it to the summit, the wind keeps picking up on that rooftop, and Emily keeps gushing about how cute this guy is. I really don’t get it. HIS UPPER LIP IS NOT THERE.

They have the standard first date talk she's given all the guys so far. When Chris reveals he is only 25 and thus, younger than she, she is taken aback. Red flag?! Wuh-oh!

Cut back to the Man Palace, and Tony is having a generic conversation with his kid! He misses him, d’awww. But he is quickly falling into the trope of “single parent who misses their kid too much.” Dun-dun-DUNNNN!

Date card! Group date! There’s like a million of them on this group date! The message is, “Let’s play”. She really is quite the coquette. I just think these notes should be more like a Tyra-mail and rhyme and be super confusing and ultimately misleading.

Back to the stormy rooftop! Thunder! Wind! Chris is a MAN. He assures Emily that he’s ready for the responsibility of being a father.  She gives him the rose with very little fanfare or speech giving.

Oh God. We have yet another private concert where I’m sure they will awkwardly close dance to a medium tempo song by this Luke Bryan guy. You can tell the producers have kept the masses at bay, too, just at the edge of the shot waiting to descend when cued by Mr. Bryan.

Chris is blown away by this moment, and as he’s mentioned about 47 times, he REALLY wants to kiss Emily. So he asks her permission, which I bet she just ate right up, and boom! First kiss. Pretty tame. Like two grandma-at-Thanksgiving-pecks.  But Chris feels like this “is the start of something good”, and Emily seems to like him. So we’ll see where they’re headed in the weeks ahead.

             We are at a park for the group date!  Sean - 28 is there! They share his commentary a lot even though I don't recall a single interaction he's had with Emily. He’s not aggressive and I like that! But on this show that could be trouble.

Stevie the Party MC is also there, and his black t-shirt is ridiculously tight because he is a grown-ass bar mitzvah dancer and lacks all common sense and I hate him.

Emily brought her girlfriends to the park to screen and grill the men.  I really love this idea for both practical and entertainment reasons.

Tony talks about his kid. Jef is quiet and composed. Doog refers to his kid as a “little one” again. They are all “absolutely” ready to be dads. Travis still has his ostrich egg from episode one! He’s named it Shelley. John “Wolf” gets a little flustered.  Stevie pops and locks, and I almost poison myself.

They tell Sean - 28 he’s cute! He is! His family is centered on faith, and he’s a lovely human.  But Emily’s friend Wendy is getting a little frisky with him and makes him strip and do push-ups with her on his back and everyone’s really uncomfortable.

                  As if they haven’t been through enough already, a hoard of children is called forth with whom the men shall prove their fatherliness. They mostly do really well, but Ryan kind of makes a boo-boo when he says that if Emily got fat after they got married he “would still love [her], but might not love ON [her] as much”. The women are yikes-ed out, but he’s still extremely confident.

Sean - 28 and Doog are the standouts from the interviews and kiddie-time date.  Sean - 28 talks again about his great family. Doog has a truly sad story about his mom leaving them, his epileptic dad dying, and going through foster care. After all that, he’s a solid dude and could be a great choice for Emily.

Back at the Man Palace we find out the other one-on-one date goes to Arie. Kalon is jealous, and the other guy who I keep forgetting is there was there.

Back at the group date cocktail hour (When do these people ever eat?!), Emily comforts a teary Tony who misses his kid a lot. Doog comforts Tony and says the same thing only even more comfortingly. Tony calls his kid and cries some more in the back alley. 

                           Emily finds him, and she does a really kind of valiant thing in letting Tony go because she knows that their connection isn’t strong enough. She may be a little boring, but it cannot be said this woman lacks class.

The date rose goes to Sean - 28! Yay! I predict that they put so much of him into the first couple of episodes because he’s going to go a long way in this thing. As he should; they look like Barbie and Ken together.

It’s time for Arie’s date! After a short private jet ride, they arrive at the holiest of holy lands: DOLLYWOOD! It is seriously a dream of mine to visit Dollywood, and Arie has never even heard of it! Silly, Arie

After standard-issue theme park fun, the fear-factor challenge of this date is to write a love song on the spot. How horrifying! But what’s this? A pair of spandex pants and bejeweled boots? HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL, IT’S DOLLY PARTON. I love this woman. So does Emily who is peeing her pants.  Dolly WROTE A SONG FOR HER! I’m totally okay with this private concert because OH MY GOD IT’S DOLLY PARTON, YOU GUYS. SHE WROTE “NINE TO FIVE” ON HER ACRYLIC FINGERNAILS FOR PETE’S SAKE.

                 Her song is a simple tune, but she's just stunning. Arie has no idea why this is a big deal at all, but he thinks Emily is super cute in how she's geeking out.  I am seriously touched by the conversation Emily and Dolly have about true love.

Arie is very handsome dancing with Emily all close and lovey.  Dolly thinks they look very smart as a couple, she would know, she “has an eye for those things”.

During “dinner” (wherein zero food is ingested), the conversation is about, shocker, kids and if he’s ready to have them. He is. He gets a rose after she fakes him out! Haha! This is comedy!

Arie, too, believes this is “the start of something great”,  and they kiss on the carousel. This ain’t no grandma pecking kisses, neither.  They are mackin’. Things look good for those two.

Emily is wearing a sparkly, slinky number for the cocktail party. She pulls Kalon aside first to chat and connect, probably. Things are at his standard level of snoot until he butts in with, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish,”. And later when he says he gets everything his way she says, straight faced, “Oh, I had no idea.” Old girl might have some spice in her yet. The end of the story is that Kalon is a terd.

                    Travis finally has Emily help him “set Shelley free” by breaking her onto the driveway.  Travis is blah, but adorable Charlie pops his head out the door to squeal “Shelley, noooo! Shelley, nooo!” and then has the men toast to Shelley’s memory. Points for Charlie.

Oh look Alessandro is there and very orange and refers to a wife and family as “a compromise”. It is made clear this is not a language barrier problem, and Emily sends him home right then and there. But he’s okay because he’s living his life “like a gypsy king.”

The men could sense how upset Emily was, and I think she was rightly upset in that case. Most of the men just sit and stare, but Arie goes and comforts her. They kiss a lot, and it’s really cute. But Ryan sees and he is jeaaaaloooous.

Jef is the first to get a rose, and since I haven’t really had another opportunity, let me take this one to sing his praises. Jef is like a sexy elf-king who stores all his power in his pompadour. Jef is great, and Jef and his jean jackets, skinny ties, and skateboard can stay. 

So who’s out? When it comes down to Stevie and Nate “the guy I forget is there”, it looks like Stevie will be popping and locking his way back to New Jersey. Hooray!

We get a peppering of drama to come with Ryan’s voice-over of jealousy proclaiming war on “dainty-man” Arie (because being over six feet tall and a race-car driver is “dainty”).

The preview of the week to come looks juicy. With a bachelorette as vanilla as Emily, it looks like we’ll be depending our bachelors to bring the zing this season.

May the madness descend upon them swiftly in Bermuda.