Fuck I Was Listening To A Song That Triggered A Phantom Shift And I Felt Like I Had Wings For The First

I WANT JIRAI FRIENDDSSS!!! Reblog this if you wanna be cute landmine friends ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

Hello :3

I guess it’s my turn.

TW: Mentions of Panic Attacks, Religion, Murder & Abuse

1.)In middle school I used to have frequent panic attacks over my grades and one day it got so bad that my mom almost drove me to the ER because I was getting lightheaded.

Turns out it’s just a normal part of having panic attacks but my mom always said that my anxiety could lead to me actually having a heart attack, which didn’t ease my anxiety at all.

2.)I grew up going to church(and still go) and when I was young there was this one youth pastor(I think it was a youth pastor?) who used to install a lot of fear into me and other kids.

For example, he gave us one scenario that’s basically, “What if someone came to your front door and told you that they were gonna kill you for your religious beliefs?” And his answer to that was to accept your death because I guess the moral in situations like this are to turn the other cheek and have faith that God will protect you or something like that IDK. All I know is that one kid had to leave and go to their parents because she was crying.

Frankly, I wanted to leave too but didn’t say anything.

3.)My dad has schizophrenia but we didn’t know until like 2021-2022? I forgot tbh.

Anywho he turned into a religious fanatic who tore a rift in our family starting 2019 and ended for good last year. This was all PTSD and schizophrenia talking but again we didn’t know.

I called him pretty nasty and lowkey ableist things that I regret saying now, but I’ll forgive my past self on that part because I was a scared teenager who had her sense of safety ripped away from her.

My mom came to me venting multiple times(keep in mind I was like 13-14) and even said on a couple occasions that I was the only “adult” she could truly talk to in reference to how mature I was.

Also my grandma came once from her home in Puerto Rico to stay for a couple months because my mom was scared that my dad was going to turn physically abusive. He didn’t for the record but it doesn’t stop the fact he punched a tv once after accusing my mom of being a cheater and an incestuous pedophile.

I was scared he was going to abuse me, my mom or my brother in some way for years and constantly felt the need to keep a weapon on me to protect myself. It was either that or I stand between him and my mom whenever they argue in case he lashed out and got violent.

This fucked with me so hard I went into an extreme existential crisis, questioning my life, God and whether it was even worth the trouble anymore.

As much as I’ve grown to realize it wasn’t my dad’s fault, I’ll never forget the way it altered how I look at myself and the world forever.

Ok traumadump over I’ll leave y’all alone sorry.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

||||||||. yo normalise jirais dropping more random lore about themselves when they feel like it.

heres a bit of mine lol. (also plz if ure a jirai drop some of ur lore too literally anything that ure okay with sharing is fine. plz dear god i dont wanna flop and be alone.)

※ tw: child neglect

--- 1/3

i will never understand people who want to be a kid again tbh. like holy shit i really dont wanna redo all that shit again regardless of how cool 2000s nostalgia can be.

i was the youngest in the whole family (until my dad cheated on my mom but thats another story lol) and for some reason nobody wanted me around. still dont know wtf their problem is.

--- 2/3

there wasnt enough space in our house so i slept in the attic which was filled with boxes of stuff so it was really only big enough for a small mattress. (× ×.) rip.

when my mom cooked dinner she did not call me down or leave space for me at the table. i remember eating plain rice and soy sauce most of the time. i never ate at the dinning table with everyone else and always ate alone in the attic.

--- 3/3

i was extremely attached to any item i got (still am like this tbh). my most prized posession to this day is a stuffed toy bear 🧸🤍 which i got when i was hospitalised severely once (also another story for another time lol).

i used to steal things at school as soon as i learned that there was shit to steal. a lot of the time though i stole food because i didnt get any from my mom. i ate the food alone secretly in the washrooms. i also didnt own a pencil case or stationary so i had to steal that shit too. all i did when i was 7 was steal shit and sneak around lol.

(idk if theres actually anyone whose gonna read this tbh. i really hope so and i also really really fucking hope people at least are kinda interested in me because i really do feel interested with like majority of the jirai community here but starting that convo with others is hard tbh.

then most of my life changed severely after i turned 9 but yea anyway thats all for now 🖤. if you read it all then thank you so so much fr 🤍 wooo wooo~.

maybe im being gloomy idk. might cry myself to sleep and delete this post if it flops. fucking anxiety...)

÷.

Omg I’m already halfway to 1,000 it’s only been over a week or so since I’ve been here😭

Thank you guys though! Seriously! I don’t think I’ve ever felt this welcome and validated in a community before!🥹

WARNING:

POOR EATING HABITS

So I just wanted to share an experience I had not that long ago.

Some context: Until 8PM or so, I didn’t eat anything since 3PM or somewhere along that time period. I was eating under my calorie intake recently so I was happy about that because it meant that I had some self control.

Here’s the catch.

I was grocery shopping with my parents and I felt a little lightheaded and had a headache. I also was kind of jittery and tired.

My mom noticed I was looking shaky and asked me what’s up and I told her about everything, she said it was likely a low sugar intake.

Even after I rushed to buy and eat some stuff, I still felt jittery and anxious and light.

If I’m honest, I don’t know how to feel about this

On one hand I’m embarrassed and ashamed, but on the other hand I just can’t get myself to care, because in my head I’d rather die than gain any more weight than I already have.

And it’s true.

I would rather die than be fat & overweight forever.

It’s one of the worst things I’ve had to deal with and I would do anything to have my ideal body type.

And by anything, I’d mean ANYTHING.

Currently watching Carrie and I’m at the prom scene. Lowkey even though I know shit goes down, it makes me wish I went to my high school’s prom.

It’s probably for the better that I didn’t go, though. I was a lonely bitch who cried at homecoming due to having no friends(At least ones near me).

Friendships are such a hassle honestly but I’m so desperate to feel normal that I’d do anything for a sense of human connection.

idk if internet is making me worse or better but i can’t live w/o it so i don’t think it matters

self destructing all by yourself beautiful ?

I really hate how I just can’t have a consistent goal or dream in my life.

As a kid I dreamed of being a veterinarian because I loved animals but eventually gave up on that because I lost that spark to actually care for them.

I mean it’s normal for that to happen but the thing is that I can barely take care of myself so I don’t trust myself enough to care for another living thing.

I had dreams in middle school to be a webcomic artist but I also lost the spark for it since I struggled to even pick up a pencil sometimes and often had art block.

Now currently I dream of being some form of popular/famous and find that Vtubers tend to be a hot topic on the internet so I’m like “Why not?”

But then I realized I’m nowhere near fucking stable to be a good streamer and would probably make my audience hella uncomfortable and not wanna watch my stuff. Plus I know I would get tired of fame very fast.

All in all I just want to be loved.

I want to be known and seen for what I am, but I know that’ll never be possible because I’m genuinely such a mess that I scare people and make them lose hope in me, and that’s not even exaggerating. My parents have said to me on quite a few occasions that they don’t know what to do with me anymore.

Idk maybe for all I know it could just be a case of me being young and aimless, but I won’t deny it’s the most frustrating shit ever.

🛑Stop, wait and listen. Don't be silent and participate in the crime. 🛑🛑

I stand on the rubble of our home, but my heart is filled with hope. I need your help to leave Gaza and complete my education to build my future. Every donation, no matter how small, will help me achieve my dream. Join us on a journey of rebuilding💔💔💔

Thank you for your support. Every bit of your kindness means so much to me 💔

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Helping spread the word as much as I can. I’d hate for these to go ignored.

I bring a certain "I like hurting myself" vibe to the function that other people don't really like