♡Sources♡

Me except I turn every single squish/crush into a full blown limerent, delusional, crying at 2 A.M. obsession.

Seeing ppl get into relationships meanwhile i have no clue how to differentiate romantic vs platonic vs just being obsessive

Man I lowkey wished I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution.

I don’t wanna do jack shit but draw my OTPs doing dumb and/or sexy shit together but I have classwork I need to get to, and my New Year’s Resolution was to get my shit together and not fail my classes.

Why must I have a life? I wanna do nothing at all..

WARNING:

SH MENTIONS

Genuinely scared to go to class because I feel like shit and I don’t wanna do anything today, especially after that fuckup I had yesterday. I hate how my scars look so much I wish I could just erase them.

Luckily I can cover them up but it doesn’t stop the fact that I know they’re there.

I don’t wanna go pretending like everything is normal because nothing is but… ugh I don’t want to bring suspicion to myself.

Why must I have a life?

Got a monster from my one of my campus’s vending machines.

Ultra Strawberry Dreams because it’s strawberry flavored. It’s the first monster I officially tried on my own accord.

Design: 10/10

Overall Taste: 7/10

Tasted sweet and carbonated with a hint of citrus that I got used to.

Ngl I liked it.

You ever feel like you’re just not as connected to anyone like you were previously?

Like you’re close with a certain set of people in the sense that you’ve known each other for so long and you’ve been through a lot with them, but you aren’t close with them in a sense that you can have a conversation and not let it die within a minute of talking.

This is how I feel everyday.

My friends, family, everyone. I feel connected to no one anymore, and the loneliness is actually starting to kill me deep down. Each day that passes, I feel myself becoming more and more clouded and desperate to feel at least a little closer to someone.

I’m tired of having these fantasies and other delusions that I am famous and loved and accepted like I want to be.

In fact, I’m hopelessly scrolling through stupid dating apps silently praying that I can get a connection with SOMEONE and maybe feel something other than numbness and guilt, but so far I’ve had no luck.

The internet is all I have, and if I were to lose that.. I think a part of me would die.

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!" dude you are so right. give me a million dollars and fix the entire medical system right now.

Ngl even if I didn’t have it as bad as others it’s still really fucked up thinking about some of the things I went through.

Like maybe I should stop invalidating everything about myself and realize I actually am traumatized….

To give my insight into this, I’m a generally emotional person in part due to my neurodivergency(I have autism and ADHD), and it’s made my life a hell of a lot more difficult. I latched onto the whole “ticking time bomb” saying because that’s literally who I was: Someone who forced people to walk on eggshells whenever they did so much as talk to me.

I have trouble communicating with others properly, I can’t get a understand or get a grasp on my own emotions, I often get burnt out because doing minimal tasks that are outside the schedule I have built into my brain are too much for me sometimes.

To top that off I have very bad anxiety and depression, which have inadvertently warped my view of myself, other people, and life in general, making me believe the world isn’t just fucked up, but deserves the absolute worst and that absolutely nobody is redeemable. Not even myself.

I feel like I can’t recover not just because I don’t want to, but because I feel like it’s quite literally impossible for someone like me. My support system is either doing much worse than me physically/mentally, or doesn’t and never will understand the extent of why I feel life is so exhausting and excruciating.

I’ve jumped between 3 or so different therapists this year because either they made me feel inadequate and like I didn’t have a right to be there, or simply didn’t reach the needs I was hoping for.

Jirai Kei to me isn’t just some subculture for mentally struggling people, it’s quite literally the amalgamation of feeling like no one can truly understand your pain and feeling like the pain is so bad that you’d wish you were better off simply not existing.

Maybe I’ll never know what it’s like living as a young Japanese person, where the topic of mental health is VERY much undermined and misunderstood, but does that make my own experiences as a neurodivergent, queer afab person in America any less valid? No. It shouldn’t.

Case in point, Jirai Kei to me is embracing your mental health and its issues because there’s no one else out there who feels them the way you feel them. Your experiences are unique to you.

Only you can define yourself, and nobody else.

Something that I’ve been thinking about a lot is what Jirai Kei is and what it means. What draws me to the style is how I remember writing poetry about feeling like I was a “ticking time bomb” many years ago. It feels like I’m seen finally in who I am, in a way. I may seem put together, but I’m a highly emotional, sensitive, and expressive person. The person where it’s only a matter of time until I have a breakdown or an outburst of emotion. That’s a part of my life and who I am, that I’ve never been able to acknowledge. I’ve been told to “stop being a baby” growing up so much that I’ve had to learn how to try to keep my emotions at bay and fail. I guess it’s also has to do with obvious signs of mental illness and physical illness that have been ignored and dismissed growing up.

Yet, I’m supposed to be “better now”. I can’t share when I’m struggling to hold back a panic attack or biting my lip to stop myself from crying. I’m not supposed to feel super happy and then super sad the next moment.

However, within this style, it embraces that. It embraces how deeply I feel and how I’ll always struggle with my mental health. It embraces it and tells me it’s okay. That I can struggle, that I can acknowledge and say that I’m not doing okay. I don’t have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be sad all the time. I’m free to feel and express it.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay on this Earth and live, even if it hurts a lot. I know some people say that lifestyle jirai kei don’t want to get better, but I don’t think that accounts for everyone. For me, Jirai Kei is a way to express how deep I feel and my struggles. It’s a way to express when I’m feel depressed or lost or anxious.

I think the point of my ramblings is to just say that you should define what Jirai Kei means to you.

Recovery is beautiful, but I also acknowledge some people aren’t there yet or don’t want to be. Just remember that it’s a beautiful thing to feel emotion so deeply. You don’t have to engage in self destructive behavior to be “a part of the jirai kei community”.

Anyways, I’m done. Thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

I don’t want to have another “crush”.

I need to have a full blown obsession.

I need to have someone to be the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.

I need to have someone to admire and adore every single aspect and flaw about them.

I need someone who I can confide in and be honest with and they can with me.

I don’t care if it’s for a week or even a day.

I miss being able to feel fuzzy things for other people.