“The Importance Of Having Focus”

A year in review: 2020 edition

Looking back on my progress this year.

(To be fair, the first picture is from March of 2019 and really shouldn’t be included; but I was still so camera-shy at the start of the year there simply aren’t any pictures from that period.)

Phone

Today I went bra-shopping at the mall. At one point I put my phone down and thought to myself:

"This is just like that one coworker of yours - the one that leaves his phone laying around all the time. Glad I'm not like that!"

It was therefore inevitable that a few minutes later, I realized I no longer had my phone on me. Fortuitously, some kind soul had handed it into security; which I knew the second I walked into the security office as it was sitting right there on their reception desk.

What follows is, verbatim, the conversation that took place between myself and the security officer on duty:

Me: "Hello! I was going to ask if anyone handed in an iPhone 7 in a black case, but that appears to be it right there. Probably you want to verify it's mine; so I think you'll find the unlock code is ████."

Security: "Ah. Well. Can you tell me what the image is" - proceeds to hold phone very close to face, like a hand of poker - "...on the lock screen?"

Me: "Yes; that will be a picture of me and my daughter."

Security: "..."

Me: "...Of course, I look very different now. I don't have a beard, for one thing."

Security: "..."

Me: "..."

Security: "What was that code again?"

Anyway, I got my phone back!

Strange bug

I had a very strange bug today. We have a web application that makes extensive use jQuery and a third-party JavaScript library to serve up some tasty-looking data grids.

In the grids are some date columns, which are to be formatted "MM/dd/yyyy" (i.e. "02/24/2021").

Things looked great on my local machine. They also looked great in our development environment. When published to production however, these dates suddenly reverted to ISO 8061 format ("2021-02-24T00:00:00").

Standard practice is, of course, to try and determine what key differences exist between these three locales (even though ostensibly there shouldn't be any).

Well... The libraries are being served up externally, so it's not that. The grid configuration is the same; so rule that out. The data is identical.

The only difference is that the local and development versions are compiled for debug, and the production version is compiled for release.

And lo! What do you know - that was the critical difference.

It's worth stressing here though: that's crazy. It would be like a car refusing to start because you added a bumper sticker. At no point, logically, should the compilation mode affect what's going on with the front end.

And yet here we are...

Immediacy is a big plus. (I understand all too well how easy it is to forget an idea if you don’t externalize it right away! And that’s to say nothing of the scourge that is Not Enough Time And Energy; which I know you know all too well. 🙂)

Regarding the fanfic asks: 📈, 🛠️, and 🤗!

📈 How many fics do you have?

Uh. UH. I... they're kind of spread over a few different areas, and are we counting only active fics?

Upwards of ten active WIPs. I don't want to chase down every WIP I have somewhere, or even the completed little one shots.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

I do ninety percent of my writing in gdocs. It's quick, easy, and I can do it on my phone because I'm a madlad.

In terms of 'tools', just stuff for names. I've been using a lot of wiktionary to research the meaning behind various kanji to help create names for Naruto/Bleach, and occasionally even get to use it for some wordplay. Otherwise, random name generators, behindthename, top 100 baby names - that kind of stuff.

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

This kind of goes for any writer or creative but: create for yourself first. Pleasing your audience is great! It feels great! But don't chase them.

Make something for yourself first, be happy with it, satisfied, and let that be enough. And then, if people like it, that's great! If they don't, well, who cares? You didn't make it for them.

I'm looking through the notes; and predictably, there are a small number of posters acting as if the introduction of a canonically female Custodian character heralds the end of civilization as we know it.

Others have responded in-depth to their arguments regarding established lore (and the marketing decisions that precipitated said lore); so I will forgo doing the same.

Rather, I would like to focus on this particular sentiment:

"Retroactively changing lore is a surefire way to alienate long-term members of the fandom."

I'm a very long-term member of the fandom. I grew up near Games Workshop's headquarters, and made regular trips to their stores at the height of the Rogue Trader era. I have Jes Goodwin's signature on my Games Day program; and my artwork has been published in White Dwarf.

I'm not going anywhere.

For one thing: this is a storm in a teacup. There is no actual retcon here; for there was no prior prohibition on female Custodians. What we are witnessing is the exploration of a hitherto undocumented narrative space.

(Firstborn vs. Primaris Space Marines? Now that's a retcon!)

For another: it did not take long to determine that the handful of posters leading the charge against canonically female Custodes are also Americans with conservative-aligned views.

As you might imagine, it took some years for Games Workshop - a niche British company - to penetrate the US market. It is certainly not impossible that some of these people might own a cherished copy of the Rogue Trader Compendium; statistically, however, the odds are not in their favor.

I therefore question their qualifications for speaking on behalf of long-term members of the fandom.

It has also been my observation, interacting with American conservatives, they they frequently presume that their views are indicative of the majority.

(One could infer this not to be the case, given that Games Workshop opted to introduce a female Custodian in the first place; which is precisely why these same posters are quick to hand-wave this choice as pandering to the unsavory mob du jour (in this particular instance, 'gentrified lore tourists'.))

To end as I began: these posters are a vocal minority; but they must cast themselves as heroes, staying the hands of giants, less they perceive themselves as madmen, tilting at the windmills of progress.

Per Games Workshop:

You will not be missed.

YESSSSSS. UPFRONT CONFIRMATION

Ah, the Custodes superiority continues

Unexpected HRT side-effect #1

There are the changes you expect from MtF HRT - breast growth, body fat redistribution; all that good stuff. And then there are the changes that are nobody ever talks about (because they defy easy description, or are simply inconsequential).

I noticed this one recently: I've been sleeping on my back. I never used to sleep on my back - only on my side. Maybe it’s because of the girls? Who knows!

Dose three?

It is currently being reported that the federal government will shortly recommend that all two-shot vaccine recipients receive a third booster shot, approximately eight months after their second dose.

(Recommendations on boosting the single-shot vaccines are still being formulated.)

On the one hand: I'll do whatever it is I have to do to ensure the safety of my friends, family, and others; if that means getting a third dose of COVID vaccine, then so be it.

On the other hand: I've detailed previously how the first two doses each triggered a week of vicious flashbacks. (I still don't know why - I'm literally typing this right now with an arm sore from my second round of Gardasil; no major mental upsets.)

So... chances are sometime around the end of the year, the spouse, daughter and I will go round three on shots... And I will have to set aside time for another nervous breakdown.

(There's also a conversation to be had about the wisdom of Americans consuming three doses of vaccine each at a time when much of the world is struggling for adequate supply; although I am currently thinking of this as more an exercise in half of America taking the vaccine doses of the other half to protect themselves from the aforementioned other half that won't take their damn vaccine doses!)

Bras are tricky!

I have one traditional strappy, claspy bra; and everything else is a padded bralette (effectively a comfy, casual running bra).

The reason I have only the one strappy bra right now is because the aforesaid straps keep falling down; and the reason the straps keep falling down is because my band is too tight. The band is too tight as, generally speaking, women with A-cup breasts rarely have a 40″ chest.

Unfortunately for me, I am an outlier in that - unlike many women - I spent a number of years accumulating visceral fat in my torso under the influence of testosterone (contributing to its unusual size); and then decided to instigate a second puberty late in life (and hence, I have two girls that are still in their initial growth phase and will be for quite some time).

(I’m not an expert, but I think most women take a more direct route when it comes to puberty.)

It’s not the end of the world by any stretch; and with time, my proportions will fall more into line with female standards (even if I’m never going to have, say, an overly girlish skeletal structure)! As with so many other transition-related matters however; the challenge is in the wait.

In the meantime, I’m just gonna keep fixing my straps throughout the day!

Dose one

Yesterday the wife, daughter and I got our first COVID vaccine doses. We go back in three weeks for the second dose. There haven’t been any real side effects barring the usual sore arm and some very minor feverishness / muscle aches.

(I have been lead to understand that the second dose may result in stronger side effects, which makes sense. An older fellow at the clinic told me in passing conversation that thanks to his second dose, he had experienced hot flashes and was now highly sympathetic to the plight of menopausal women.

This got a giggle from me; when I started HRT, my estradiol injections were spaced too far apart and as a result I would effectively experience menopausal symptoms. I replied with “I know how that goes!” and left it at that...)

Mentally however, I am struggling a bit. I will preface this with two items:

I am pro-science and pro-vaccine. I understand that no vaccine can be 100% safe; however, the odds of something going terribly wrong are far, far lower than if you contract COVID.

I had a very, very bad flashback the other night; one that practically set a new bar in terms of intensity; and I’m still feeling some of the effects from that days later.

So: I get very upset when I perceive my bodily integrity (or that of people I care about) being violated. The key factor is my consent. For instance:

At the end of my visa medical, I received two vaccinations. I took offense at (a) not being informed beforehand that this would happen, (b) the administering provider’s refusal to explain what they were for, and (c) the generally dehumanizing treatment I had been exposed to that day. (I have no problem with receiving vaccines as a prerequisite of entry to the US; it was how the process unfolded that was the issue.)

I have never had chickenpox, and elected to receive the varicella vaccine. Everything went smoothly, and I’m glad I made that choice.

To bring us full-circle:

I want to do my part to get us out of this pandemic; and that means being vaccinated. However, I cannot shake the feeling that this is being forced upon me - not by the nebulous puppet-masters that anti-vaxxer conspiracists like to point to, but by the various government institutions that prioritized partisan politics over protecting people, and the self-same people that prioritized their right to endanger others else instead of covering their stupid fleshy talk circles with a bit of cloth and knocking off the partying for a while.

It doesn’t sit well.

Alas, there’s not a whole lot I can do about this as the requirement to be vaccinated still stands; but it does rather mean that I have yet another reason (and I already had plenty to begin with) to intensely dislike the swathe of selfish misanthropes revealed during the course of this crisis.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #10

 Confusing simple homonyms.

For context: while I am not dyslexic, there are certain idiosyncrasies with how my brain inputs, organizes, and outputs information that resembles a mild form of that particular disorder.

One example would be: analog clocks confuse me. My brain takes great umbrage at the hour hand - which is the larger unit of measurement - being represented by the smaller hand; and vice versa with the minute hand. If I need to read an analog clock, I have to manually reassert the correct order of the hands in my head; and this happens with each and every attempt.

Another is that certain words have unintuitive spellings (e.g. ‘Wednesday’; ‘business’); and I have to intentionally mispronounce them in my head to recall the correct spelling.

These are not major impediments; but are something I deal with on a daily basis. (As to why this is, I have no idea - there is a known association between left-handedness and dyslexia, so perhaps this has something to do with it; it could also be a result of the structural mismatch between my brain and body).

After starting HRT, I noticed that I was regularly confusing simple homonyms - ‘to’ and ‘too’; ‘now’ and ‘know’; ‘their’ and ‘they’re’; and so on. While I’ve been dealing with this problem my whole life, the actual set of troublesome words has been fixed since childhood; so it’s kind of interesting to see not only the set now expand, but with basic vocabulary that has never posed an issue before!