Alt Zadr Day 3: Angst  Wherin Zim Causes Himself Irreparable PAK Damage And Leaves Dib All Alone  @alt-zadr-b1tch3z

Last Nights' Episode and Why I'm Excited! :D

I know some are upset at the fact that besides the hug, there really wasn't much Dean/Cas interaction and I understand your frustration.  We love this ship so much (sometimes more than we should :P  who am I kidding, is that even possible?) and we want to see it represented so badly in every scene that they're in together. I personally am not upset by last nights' episode, if anything it made me more excited for the last two episodes.  Here's why :) Part of the reason I don't think we got a lot of Dean/Cas cutesy stuff is because of the MoC.  It's been making Dean, not Dean.  That inwardly nerdy and super squishy guy in S8 and the beginning of S9 has been fading away, mostly because of the mark.   The same thing happened to Cain I'm sure, until Collette.  So if Dean was squishy with Cas last night, I personally would have actually found that a bit OOC and I would find his berserker transformation with the mark very inconsistent and less believable.   It also sets us up for a reverse!crypt scene.  If Dean was to be normal without the blade and only crazy when the blade is in hand then that would mean there is a still an integral part of himself that is surfaced and would most likely make any connection to the blade easier to break (as easy as knocking it from his hand), but with the blade changing him as a person as a whole even without the blade, makes it more like a mind control situation (similar to that of the S8 crypt scene). P.S. If Cas breaks his connection to the blade while Dean is in full MoC mode I will literally cry tears of happiness!!! The other reason I'm not really upset is that there was A LOT of important plot and character stuff they crammed into that episode last night.  That stuff needed to happen and I think in doing so, it gives us more room in the last 2 eps to work with, which I'm assuming are going to mostly focus on Metatron and the MoC.   These two things I feel are going to be very Team Free Will centered so there should be quite a bit of Dean/Cas interaction and will hopefully lead into some sort of Destiel type of thing.  I don't for see them being separated for too long during this time.  Cas is worried about Dean, and Sam and Dean are going to be helping Cas with the Metatron stuff, especially since Abaddon is out of the picture.   Side note: I have somewhat of a feeling that if they make a reverse!crypt scene in these last 2 eps that they're going to have another open ended question like last seasons' "What broke the connection?" except it's going to be like "in your face obvious" what they mean and there will be no way for them to interpret it any other way, reiterating the fact that their connection to each other is very important and then one of the character plot arcs in S10 will be dealing with their realization of what that connection truly is.   Anyways, not trying to change people's feelings on the episode (everyone's free to feel what they feel), but these are just my feelings on it and frankly I'm so stoked for the next to eps!!! :) ::crosses fingers for Destiel::

Fake ID's

Dean fidgets with the small item in his hands.  He's ridiculously excited- and not in a girly way, he tells himself- and slightly nervous.  A small smile plays at the corners of his lips and he fights to keep them down as he approaches the slump shouldered man at the table.

Cas has been having a hard time since "the fall."  Finding Castiel had surprisingly not been difficult and Dean had not expected their reunion to go as it had.

When the sky lit up that night with Sammy in his arms he had been scared and his world had started falling apart.  The helpless feeling he had was unbearable.  Here was his brother presumably dying in his arms (again) and his best friend he could only assume was dead now.  Again.  

And there was nothing he could do to stop any of it.  Not a damn thing.

So he did what he could and took Sam to a hospital, hoping that someone there wouldn't be as useless as he felt at the moment.  There was nothing he could do for his angelic friend and he tried not to think about it.  Between the angels ALL falling to Earth and his little brother's condition (which was of top priority) he hadn't had the time to dwell on his friends' death. 

Dean spent about two weeks next to Sam's bedside in the hospital where thankfully the youngest Winchester had fallen into a deep sleep.  Thankfully, because he didn't appear to be in any pain now, though the comatose state didn't exactly make the knot of unease drift away.  

Kevin had called several times after Dean dropped Crowley off at the Men of Letters bunker.  He would either complain about Crowley's new state of reformation (which was supposedly annoying as all hell) or ask about Sam's condition.  

In those two weeks Dean's only friend had been a cup of coffee that kept magically refilling... possibly thanks to the nurse who was taking care of his little brother.  

Then one day, Sam sat up suddenly, gasping for breath like he had just been born and this was the first time air was touching his lungs.  As surprised and thrilled Dean was that Sam, who had all been but a vegetable, was now up and moving around- healthier than ever- he couldn't help the sense of foreboding.  

Nothing good ever came out of someone suddenly reviving with no idea how.  Not in their story anyways.  

And while the reason for Sam's suddenly healed state hasn't reared it's ugly head yet, Dean is waiting.

Kevin seemed ready to kill Crowley by the time that Sam and Dean returned to the bunker.  Crowley's "too good" behavior had been creeping out the poor prophet.  

Sam decided to take over watching the partial demon and to everyone's surprise, got along swimmingly well.  Dean would roll his eyes whenever he walked by and his little brother was girl-ing about something with the shorter man.

Kevin went back to translating the angel tablet, holing himself up somewhere in the large headquarters, occasionally coming out for some form of sustenance before retreating into the cavern of crazy he has built for himself despite Dean's efforts to get him to not work to death.

Left to his own devices, Dean worked on the new fallen angel problem.  Several problems seemed to have popped up all around the globe.  "Miracles" and oddities here and there.  A lot of people who shouldn't exist suddenly appearing.  You know... the works.  

The biggest problem was the media poking their heads into places it shouldn't be.  Hunters all around were trying to keep them in the dark with all the lies and tactics they could muster.  Didn't need a panic on their hands.

Then, about a month ago, Castiel showed up.  

Dean had been so busy, burying himself in this fallen angel business that he hadn't let himself dwell to much on his dead friend.  He didn't want to go there.  Not yet at least.

He was working at the table when he heard a knock on the door, which was strange.  No one had ordered food (as far as he knew) and no one besides Charlie knew this address... at least he hoped not.  

He gave a quick glance around the room to see if anyone else residing in the bunker was going to get that.  Apparently not.  

Grabbing his gun, he headed towards the thick door.  Hand firmly on the handle he peered through the small viewer.  

The moment he saw who it was, against all better judgement he flung the door open with a loud, "Cas?!"

Cas looked worse than he did in purgatory.  Once again unshaven, disheveled, and dirty.  He had bags under his eyes and his blue eyes seemed exhausted and weary.

"Hello, Dean."  

Dean should have been suspicious, should have tested him for every known thing in the book of monsters, but some how he just knew it was him.  And all the anger that he had felt previously concerning Cas' lack of trust in him, leaving once again, and most likely causing all the angels to fall to Earth flew out the door.  

"Dean, I-... I di-"  Cas began, his brows upturned in was looked like regret mixed with guilt and sadness.  But Dean cut him off in a rare show of affection, tugging the other man to him in a fierce hug, tucking his face into Cas' neck and squeezing his eyes shut tight, holding his breath.  

Cas stiffened underneath him before tentatively returning the hug.  At that Dean let go, standing back a little, still keeping one arm on his friend who was alive.  Alive.

"It's good to see you."  And it was.

"Dean...  I thought you would be angry with me," Cas said disbelieving this warm welcome.  

Dean smiled a bit, like he was enjoying some sort of personal inside joke, at this before patting Cas on the shoulder and then pointing a finger in between his big blue eyes.  

"Don't get me wrong, man.  All is NOT forgiven," Cas seems to deflate a little at this, "But I am glad to see that you're still in the land of the living." Cas looks up a bit hesitantly, quirking his mouth slightly to one side in what Dean has come to realize was his "I'm ashamed" look.  

The look quickly goes away as realization plays across Cas' features and he starts, "Dean.  The angels-  they've all-"

"Fallen.  I know.  It was kind of hard not to notice the apocalyptic rain of flaming bodies hitting the-"  Dean cuts him off and then pauses.  Sniffs the air and at Cas' questioning look continues.  "Dude... when was the last time you bathed?"  

Cas gave Dean an exasperated look before Dean invited him in to wash off the grime and explain how he was no longer an angel (which explained the smell) and his experience as a traveling homeless man in order to get there.

A month later and Castiel was adjusting, but his mood had yet to improve.  Rightfully so.  He had made a poor choice, yet again, and it resulted in the mass of his family to become humans.  The guilt had to be extraordinary and Dean felt for his friend.  

Dean had cornered him about his mood once and had got slapped with a very bitter answer.  One that dripped with the overwhelming power of loneliness.

"I have no family Dean!  My brothers and sisters have ALL suffered because of me," he was furious, red in the face, "So excuse me if I have a 'sour look'," there went the air quotes.  

The former angel had went on further, calming down slightly and explaining that he previously had those that believed in him, in what he stood for even if he made poor choices.  Now... he worried that he would be estranged from his family.  That he would no longer be welcome in any part of it.  That he was, for all intents and purposes, alone.  And without the voices of his siblings crowding in his head, he was feeling it more than ever.

Dean had sat through and listened to his friend.  He was getting a little better at this sharing and caring thing.  

Seeing his friend slumped over himself, head in hands and a shadow of his former self made him want to do something.  Alleviate a little of that loneliness and self loathing.  

Which brings us to present day.  

Dean wasn't very good at this sort of thing...  In fact he was quite possibly terrible.  Gift giving was not his forte and providing comfort was something he wasn't exactly keen participating in. 

But for Cas... he could try, he supposed.  As long as it would wipe that sad look out of his blue puppy eyes and he could get on with his life.

"Hey Cas," Dean started, gaining the attention of the newest member of the Men of Letter bunker.  The former angel turned to look at Dean.  Dean closed the distance between them, standing in that uncomfortable, yet oh so familiar personal space of his friend.  He had Cas' full attention now.  

"Look I know this whole no mojo thing hasn't exactly been easy on you.  But I thought-," he stumbles a bit flustered now, doubting the validity of his idea.  "I got this for you," he settles for instead and hands the small item to Castiel.

Castiel took the piece of plastic in his hands, squinting at it and looking at the piece as if it held the answer to all of life's problems.  

"It's not real, it's a fake ID.  You know, can't really hack into the government and turn you into a real boy," he gives a hesitant laugh, trying to fill in the silence, "but it's yours.  I wanted you to have it."  He stops and purses his lips, looking at Cas all wide-eyed, waiting for a reaction.

Cas stops looking at the card and looks up at Dean, tilting his head slightly and Dean dies a little at the sincerity of emotions that are displayed on the former angels face.

"It says...  Castiel... Winchester," Cas says it in a way that makes Dean shiver a little.

"Welcome to the family," It comes out almost as a question and Dean hesitantly manages to give a half smirk at Cas who suddenly looks a little overwhelmed and to Dean, maybe a little bit warmer and a little less lonely.

"You've earned it Castiel," Sam says suddenly from a doorway in which he was not five minutes ago.  Dean steps back out of Cas' space and rubs the back of his neck, a little embarrassed now.

"Thank you... the both of you," Cas gives a little smile at the brothers and Dean knows that his gift was appreciated.

"Don't I get one?"  All heads present turn to look next to Sam as Crowley appeared.  "I mean we're practically blood brothers you and I," the man looks at Sam, trying to argue his case, and the taller of the too huffs and rolls his eyes at the mere suggestion.  

"No."  Dean says.  Crowley looks a little put out.    

Cas smiles a bit to himself.  

He tucks the little card, fake or not, into his pocket where he would treasure it for a long time.  

Dean turns to Cas and their eyes catch and neither can help the warm looks that enter their eyes and the smiles that catch their lips  

And if Dean at that moment entertains the thought of Sam finding a strong gal, settling down, growing old in their new home and of Cas and himself riding off into the sunset, hell bent on protecting some poor bastard from the things that go bump in the night, no one needs to know.  

  OMG.  So sorry about my horrible writing skills.  So out of practice :(  But, I just had to get this idea out of my head! :)  I would so love for Dean to give Cas a fake ID with Castiel Winchester on it :D

Dean and Cas Interactions S10

I personally think that the lack of Dean and Cas interactions or mentions in the second part of season 10 have more to do with the Mark of Cain rather than the actors and/or writers. They gave us a bunch of stuff in the beginning with Cas pining for Dean and the shout outs in the musical episode.  We have Dean even asking Cas to end him if he gets out of control and Cas just generally being worried about him.  And of course the Cas/Collette parallels.   Dean’s been a little off this season because of the Mark of Cain and having been a demon at the beginning of the season.  He’s struggling with it.  The worse he gets, the more he plays it off and tries to subtly distance himself from the people he cares about.   That’s why I feel there’s no “chemistry” or “eye-sex” going on between them.  Dean’s not doing well.  At all.  He has WAY more important things going on with him than whether or not he is in love with Cas or Cas is in love with him.   When he was feeling decent, we got some of that fluff.  But now that he is just going downhill, he can’t be bothered.  Personally I feel that if Dean wasn’t behaving this way towards everyone (not just Cas), I would be a little confused when shit hits the fan with him especially if he was showing that lovely chemistry and having a lot of moments with Cas up until that point.  That chemistry shows that Dean is feeling normal and okay.  The chemistry is muted when he’s not.  If Dean was acting normal, the characters and viewers would have no reason to suspect that he is handling this poorly and should the MoC flare up, it would seem forced.   Now, they’ve always got problems in their life, so why didn’t that prevent Dean from making goo-goo eyes at Cas during the Apocalypse?  Or when Sam was soulless?  Or when the leviathans were wreaking havoc?  Or when the angels fell?  Or when Sam was possessed by an angel?   The reason is because during all that time, Dean was sure of his personality.  He knew what he was and wasn’t.  He had control of himself.  Yeah, he might have had nightmares or be guilt tripping about his time in hell or sad about all the death that follows the Winchesters.  But he was still Dean.  And he was human. Now Dean is dealing with something out of his control, that is forcing him to be a certain way, it’s changing him.  He was a DEMON and he tried to KILL SAM.  The MoC is trying to make that happen again.  He doesn’t trust himself not to cause damage.  That’s why he asked Cas to kill him if it got to that point.  He’s trying to fight it, but he’s losing.  He is not doing well.   It’s because of that compromised state of mind that he’s in he isn’t being normal Dean and hence not creating a normal chemistry with Cas. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still care about Cas and Sam and Charlie.  It just means that right now, that’s not even a concern in his head.  He just doesn’t want to hurt anybody even if that means his death or him leaving forever.   That’s why I feel that there hasn’t been as much interaction between Cas and Dean in the second half of this season. After becoming human again, Dean felt reasonably well and we got some normal Dean that made everybody happy.  Then he’s just kind of faded away because he is basically relapsing.   This is just how I see it and why I personally am not discouraged.  Would it be nice to see all that Cas and Dean fluff?  Absolutely.  But when I see it, I want it to be believable and not stand out.  I want it to flow naturally and not be placed in there just for the sake of it.  Even if it means that there is a point in the story line where they don’t get to interact as much, like right now. The nice thing that the writers’ are doing for us right now is continuing to show that Cas cares about Dean.  That Dean is still always on his mind even if Dean can’t right now.  That’s the other reason I believe that they aren’t deviating from the Cas and Dean relationship.  (It’s also the reason I believe that Cas being canonically in love with Dean will be the first thing to come in their saga, but that’s a theory for another time) For now though, everything in the fandom is just speculation (including my own feelings and theories).   Season 10 finale is almost here so lets’ see what they give us!    :)

The gangs all here

"It Doesn't Matter. We'll Work It Out"

OMG  That line!  

It's like straight out of a scene in a movie where something bad is going to happen to someone and the person they love that they've been fighting with is begging them to forget about their fight, they'll work it out, just come back to them before something bad happens/ I just need you here right now.  

I wonder if that music will reoccur whenever they finally meet up again and then Sam interrupts again and there's that record squealing to a halt noise XD  I think I would die laughing.

I honestly have no idea what this movie would even be about, but Human Kite and the Coon in the Cupid Me movie :P  looks dramatic

The Castiel Complex

So I found this while sifting through old stuff.  I apparently was plotting out a destiel fic around the beginning of season 7, just a short one shot.  I wrote it out in mostly just dialogue and some action captions and never really got around to actually writing it and turning it into an actual fic and I probably never will.  It's called "The Castiel Complex" so here ya go! :)

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::Sam and Dean are at a bar talking and sharing a drink when a busty asian beauty comes up and comes onto Dean::

BAB: So, what do you say?  Wanna get out of here?

Dean: ::smiles a bit and seems to contemplate it with the table in front of him::  ... Nah.  Not tonight, sweet cheeks.  ::he takes a swig of his beer::

BAB:  Okay, your loss.  ::she seems mildly put off and leaves the table::

Sam: ::watches the girl retreat and looks funny at Dean, eyebrows squinting::  ... What was that?

Dean:  What was what? ::looking straight ahead, in his own mind::

Sam: Are you okay? ::he leans forward towards Dean a little::

Dean:  Woah, little close there tiger.  Wait till we get home. ::he winks and takes another swig and leans back::

Sam: ::rolls his eyes::  Cute.  Seriously, man.  You okay?

Dean:  Seriously, Sam.  I'm fine. 

Sam:  Then tell me what that was about. ::he takes a sip of his own beer and looks over Dean's head at the BAB who is at another table now::

Dean:  It's nothing Sam.  Just not in the mood.  I'm friggin' exhausted if you can't tell.  We just ganked a nasty son of a bitch and not to mention we've got all the crazy Hexus-like spawn slipping around trying to gank us in return.  ::he looks a little firm::

Sam:  ::raises an eye brow::  Fern Gully?  Really?

Dean:  Shut up, Krista's hot.

Sam:  ::he huffs:: Dean, even if you were tired-that.  That right there?  ::he points at the BAB::  That is your dream girl.  And I, unfortunately, know that if you were really okay I'd be renting out a second room for myself right about now.  So now tell me.  Are you okay?

Dean: ::he pauses for a minute and stares at his bottle::  ...  I'm fine, Sam. 

Sam:  ::he gives him the pitiful puppy stare and then turns away  as they fall under silence, neither speaking nor drinking.  Suddenly Sam gets a look on his face as things have worked out in his head and he turns to Dean with an epiphany on his face::  Oh my, God.  He broke you.

Dean: ::he looks puzzled::  Come again?

Sam:  I mean...  I knew you were more upset about Cas'... death, than you were letting on.  But I didn't think it was this bad.  He broke you.

Dean:  ::he looks like Sam is batshit crazy::  In case you haven't noticed, I haven't brought out the Hershey's and popped in Dirty Dancing.  Sorry to disappoint you, princess.  He didn't friggin' break me. 

Sam:  ::he is about to start his long winded explanation that consists of he is right::  Look-I.  I didn't mean it like that.  But don't get me wrong ::he points at Dean::  I know you're being a big girl about this on the inside, Dean.  ::Dean shoots him a look and takes a drink::  But let's face it.  I know at first Cas wasn't exactly on our gold star chart in the beginning, but then...  You trusted him.  Hell, you probably trusted him more than Bobby, than-than, me!

Dean:  I trust you.  ::looks slightly offended::

Sam:  Come on, Dean.  I can barely go to the bathroom on my own before you start thinking I'm going to crack out the crazy and bolt.

Dean:  ::takes a sip of his beer and overts his eyes::

Sam:  ::he continues where he left off::  ...  So when Cas let slip that he was working with Crowley the whole time...  When he didn't listen to you to break it off... and then became a God so bad that we actually tried to enslave Death so that we could get rid of him?  ::he pauses to let it sink into Dean who just stares straight ahead, bottle poised to his lips, but not drinking.  Sam takes this as a sign to go on::  When you had so much faith in him as our friend- as our family- he betrayed your trust.  ::he lets his hands drop to the table and leans back as everything starts to make sense in his own head::  He broke you, Dean.  He broke you so bad you can't even trust your version of the perfect girl to give you a good time.

Dean: ::he sits there, still staring ahead while Sam hazards a pitiful glance at him from the corner of his eye::  ...Hey Sammy?

Sam: ::he shifts a bit in his seat, anticipating some big girly admission::

Dean:  ::he gives Sam a small smirk::  Can I trust you to shut up about it? ::he downs the rest of his beer and let's out an "aaah!" as he lets it sink down his throat, placing the bottle on the table and raising his hand to have someone drop off the tab::  Ready to head back, Jolly Green?

Sam: ::he gives a small smile and shakes his head and finishes his beer:: Yeah, sure.

  ::It's later that night and the boys are sleeping::

Dean: ::he's having a nightmare with Cas lying dead on the ground and he's torn between feeling relief that Godstiel is gone, but now Cas is dead too.  He shouldn't feel sad though, Cas betrayed him, but he can't help it.  Then Cas' wounds heal and he sits up alive and he can't hold back the surprise and happiness in his voice as he bends down to help him.  Cas responds in a very Cas like manner and he can almost feel himself feeling like this is going to be okay, they'll get past the whole betrayal thing when they get out of there.  Then suddenly it's Levia!Cas and Cas entering the lake and Cas' trench coat and he wakes up sweating.::

::He breaths heavy for a minute before looking over at Sam who's still asleep and calms down and flops back and stares at the ceiling.  He rolls to his side and squints his eyes shut, not crying, but looking damn close to it.  He opens his eyes and looks skyward like if he did he might see Cas there somewhere and he silently prays::

Cas...  'm so sorry...  You were being a gigantic child, but...  I should've found a way to stop you, before it got all out of hand.  Should've been able to protect you...   ::he is scolding himself now, but then his face turns sad::  Cas...  what am I supposed to do?  I need things to be right again...  "You friggin' bastard...!"  I can barely keep it together, man.  I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this... Cas? 

::he looks up again and there is nothing but Sam's snores and he knits his brows one more time before rolling on his back and rubbing his eyes with a sigh.  He’s about to fall asleep when he hears the flutter of wings and he sits up and looks around.  He doesn't see anyone, doesn't feel danger.  He thinks it must just be is imagination and he hesitantly lays back down, reaching for his knife under the pillow and closes  his eyes as he feels just a bit better after admitting shit.  Sleep comes easy after that::

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Am I just going to be feminine forever or something?

Hey all, I wrote some months ago about my concerns over lack of results while on testosterone. Giving an update here and to check back and see if anyone has any new input because I'm trying to stay patient and positive, but it's mega frustrating to be about 2 yrs on T and still be misgendered as female by the general public. :( Especially when I get referred to as "young lady" and my cis female coworkers get misgendered as "young boy." They don't look like boys at all, like they have long pretty hair and wear make up (they aren't very curvy or big chested but still), I don't get it. It sucks for all of us.

I have about 4 hairs on my chin and the barest of hints of fuzz on my upper lip. Granted, my brpther also has a hard time growing facial hair too so I'm not super surprised. My voice, while less chipmunk, is still very feminine. I still have a "soft" looking face and very feminine body (curvy with hips). My clit is still pretty tiny and I am STILL getting my period.

My endocrinologist has no idea why I'm still getting my period. Saw a gynocologist and she doesn't know. So now I have an IUD in to help with it, and while it helps with the amount of blood, I am STILL menstruating and I've had it in for almost half a year now. I've had tons of ultrasounds and they all come back normal. All of my bloodwork comes back low estrogen and high testosterone, but I'm not seeing hardly any effects.

I'm hopefully getting top surgery done within the next year so maybe that will help me not be misgendered so much... and then maybe I'll get around to finally ripping out my uterus and stuff.

So, consensus? Maybe I'm just always going to be feminine no matter what I do. I'll make peace with it if that's what it's going to be, but I really want to be at least recognizable...

Am I just being impatient? Is something wrong or is this just going to be who I am? Should I consult my endo about it some more? Anyone else have these results?

I'll stop whining/ranting now.

Cute best buds

@asilverthorne

How everyone becomes a fujoshi