✧ — 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐂 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄

✧ — 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐂 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒

“It’s not that bad, I can explain.”

“It’s not what it looks like... But it might be worse.”

“What you need to understand is that moose aren’t afraid of anything.”

“To be fair, when you can walk on water like moose christ and cripple cars, there’s not gonna be a lot of things that put fear in your heart.”

“When a moose decides to choose violence, only two things can save you; Jesus Christ and the Moosiah himself.”

“First of all, why would you ever put yourself in a position where you need to know any of this?”

“If you’re dumb enough to do that, you might as well just let natural selection do it’s thing.”

“Gorillas don’t usually attack anything that seems weaker than they are, which gives them more of a moral compass than high school bullies.”

“Are you serious? Did you really think I was gonna have actual advice here?”

“If it’s black, fight back. If it’s brown, get on the ground. If it’s white... You’re gonna die.”

“One uppercut, and he/she/they’re sending your jaw to Jerusalem with no return trip.”

“Evolution made humans smart enough to put a man on the moon, but it also made chimps swole enough to put a man on the news.”

“Be sure to save me a seat at heaven’s dining hall.”

"What makes you think they’ll go easy on you?”

“You think I’m exaggerating?”

“They’re built like a Toyota with the personality of Jeffery Dahmer.”

“Cocaine hippos are something the world doesn’t need to deal with.”

“Cougars are not to be taken lightly.”

“Humans are an evolutionary failure, because we can’t seem to run away from anything.”

“Unless you’re a gay hillbilly redneck with a Netflix series, I don’t see how you could ever possibly need this.”

“Disrespecting a tiger is really bad for your health.”

“Do not turn your back on a grizzly bear.”

“Unless your last name is De Caprio, there is no award for getting assaulted by a grizzly.”

“Not only are you gonna feel real stupid, you’re also gonna die.”

“If an elephant decides it wants to hurt you, there isn’t a force in nature that can save you.”

“Basically we’re dealing with a coked-up weasel with really bad roid rage.”

“They have no moral compass, no conscience, and no remorse.”

“If I have to be cursed with this knowledge, so do you.”

“Ducks are cancelled.”

“Ducks answer to no god.”

“How do you want to die?”

“I’d honestly rather get insta-killed by a tiger than dissected by a polar bear.”

“He’ll destroy my way of life, but at least I’ll have a life to live.”

“Can we please acknowledge the fact that the platypus makes no sense as an animal?”

“I should probably explain what the hell that was.”

“They’re found in South Africa and Australia, but they also own a good amount of real estate in my nightmares.”

“Can’t call it simping if it works.”

“The more you look at it, the worse it gets.”

“If someone handed you $100,000, no strings attached, what would be your first move?”

“Unconditional love might sound cute, but in nature, it is very much conditional.”

“I already don’t trust pelicans off principle.”

“It’s survival of the fittest, and there is no award for participation.”

“Somewhere a middle child just shed a single, silent tear.”

“Imagine having an older sister whose primary purpose in life is making sure you don’t have one.”

“If ‘men ain’t shit’ was an animal, it would be the hyena.”

“When you’re that good for that long, eventually time is gonna catch up to you.”

“Life is a brutal reality show where life is all about getting renewed to the next season.”

“Few animals have a worse PR team than hyenas.”

“I pay way too much for contacts for you to lie to me about what’s in front of my face.”

“Time for 50 shades of fuck around and find out.”