Things Just Aren’t Going My Way Today

Valentine's Day .2024

I don't know what messages the universe is sending me. It was somewhat clear for a moment. The spirit/apparition I sensed outside my window, and again in 8th house's room. The dream I had a year before I met him which came true right before my eyes. When I gave up on him, the very next day, Taco Bell gets my order wrong and gives me his favorite drink, even though they'd never done that before. The synchronicity is insane.

I know it won't make sense to everyone, and a lot of people won't care. I could accept that I never saw a spirit. Perhaps it really was just a hallucination, since I do get those from time to time. It was different from what I usually see though. Distinct. But who knows. Even if I write that off, the dream did come true. It started with us putting art in the back of my car, at night, in an urban setting. I remember the exact moment when I realized the dream was coming true, cuz something in me knew that dream was important when I woke up from it suddenly, a year before. It ended with a gun. The gun that was cocked behind his front door, when my dad and his friends were on the front porch, after he did what he did on his birthday last summer.

I didn't want to give up on him. I got a sense to stay on a Tiktok live of a tarot reader one night, and she started saying. a lot of things I was recognizing and vibing with. I paid for a reading. She told me he was thinking about me, a lot. And that I could expect to hear from him again, but she was suspicious of his intentions due to the swords cards. I was estatic just to know he was thinking about me.

So I guess the end of the dream wasn't quite the official end with him. I did see him more after all. Albeit, it was never like it was during the summer. He became closed off and mean. He didn't compliment me anymore, didn't answer my questions. It's like he was just a mannequin, who occasionally invited me over for unpassionate sex or cuddling in silence while a movie played. He offered me very little, but I was so desperate to start building a relationship again.

The dream I saw of Millionaire Mouse complicates my clarity. I saw him in a dream in July, when I was depressed over 8th house. I didn't hear from him at all that month. I wasn't sure I would again. But he rised from the ashes and texted me eventually, but the ball got rolling with Mouse.

I like him fine. Seeing him in a dream only adds to my confidence in my abilities. Though it makes me wonder how special 8th house really is. Maybe it wasn't meant to last long term with him. The evidence before me seems to suggest that. There's something inside me that doesn't believe it, but I can't tell if that's ego or some objective truth. Like destiny.

Two odd synchronicities happened today. The first was a u2 song in the workvan with millionaire mouse. We were driving back from michigan, and we kept swapping bluetooth access. Then, I look at the screen, and it's on track 9 of 11 from a u2 album. The title of the song is "this is how you can reach me"

911.

I've been seeing that number for years. years. It started happening around when I started doing drugs. I figured it was the universe telling me to stop. That they were bad, that I'm gonna have to call 911 because of some situation I got in or because of my health. That makes sense. But then I started seeing it at times when I wasn't doing drugs. So it didn't make sense to me.

But when I met 8th house, he used to be a policeman. His dad was a firefighter, just like my step dad was. It was perfect. I thought the universe was just telling me my policeman was waiting for me. Now that I spend the days alone or with another man, I'm starting to question my grasp of things. Maybe it's just a stsupid number I just so happen to catch on the clock a lot.

This is how you can reach me. I stared at the screen for a bit. I took a picture, even. track 9 of 11, on a random album that not i nor mouse had pulled up. It just randomly appeared. So I google the album tonight, and see that the actual ninth track is "Sleep like a baby tonight". Is the universe just telling me to go to sleep tonight instead of staying up late like I usually do? Like how I've been staying up late, hoping 8 would text me? That would make sense. but that isn’t even the actual 9th track. ??

He's currently not speaking to me. I got another tarot reading, which I had been wanting to do but the time never felt right until recently. I got pulled into a tiktok live. I even exited it, but it popped back up again. The guy's necklace even started glowing, and he said it was the archangel michael and he was with him. And I believe him. I had another synchronous moment with him a couple months ago. So I bought a reading.

Those damn swords cards came up again. He told me the relationship was done. That there was something I was still holding onto that was keeping me from moving forward. That reading really pissed me off. And I want to write it off.

But it's valentine's day. And I'm alone, in my bedroom, and haven't heard a word from 8.

The second synchronous thing. And rather important. My favorite book as a kid, "monster mama" by liz greenburg or something. I had been thinking about the book and decided to google it earlier today. I love how scary the illustrations are. I got the book in kindergarten at a book fair.

Well, I was looking at photos online. The main character has 8's middle name + my middle name. How odd is that? I probably haven't looked at that book since middle school. I don't even know where my copy is. But my favorite children's book, the main character has the two middle names of me and the person I want to live my life with. How am I not supposed to believe that he is perfect for me? That we're destined?

I shuffled my oracle cards and put a token of him on top, before I drew the first card. I was like, please universe, spirits, tell me something thorugh this one card. And Ipulled one.

This is what it said. I'm not sure what sense to make of it. commitment to 8 or to mouse? commitment to my future? what i’ve been holding onto is something i trauma bonded with 8 over. it’s caused me problems in my life, and i haven’t been sure if i should integrate or annihilate.

hopefully time will convince me of what it is i need to do. i have options, they’re just not really the ones i want at the moment.

㞵阴阴

学式 · some studyblr aesthetic

Some edits I made. I’ve always wanted to play a Pokémon game as a member of team rocket. I think that would be fun.

Team Rocket Admin Mars challenges you to a battle!!!

I think I’m just addicted to being bad lol. (fire bender, slytherin)

Iriee Zamblé (Dutch 1995)

LOVERS ROCK (2023)

oil on canvas (240 x 150 cm)

today’s astro observations

let’s be straight (got ya!) but we’ve all got signs we don’t really like. “i like everyone equally” thanks gandhi! not me.

but really, my signs are gemini and aries. i have three personal planets in gem, saturn in aries. but i’ve always had an aversion to that sign for some reason. my bff trev has his moon there. my aunt her moon. my sister her venus. but it wasn’t until my first roommate was an aries and his scorpio moon constantly surprised me with how compassionate, understanding he could be. like i felt understood, or something. idk.

*disclaimer since people lack perception and depth, but this is obviously a personal and subjective opinion, likely due to my negative polarities of cancer and virgo. i am not arguing that any sign is better or worse, inherently*

then i had a romantic fling with an aries man and i’d realized maybe i’ve been a bit too hasty with my judgment. hey, we’ve all been there.

*interestingly* my sun sign, cancer, apparently forms a natural “square” or point of tension, with aries. 🦀⚔️🐏

which is so true …. we be fightin.

cheers everybody xx

well the reason i know this is because moon square mars is also like cancer vs aries. because the moon rules cancer, mars rules aries. or whatever. so this aspect is kinda like that external manifestation inside of myself <3 or at least that’s what i’m telling my lawyer…

i have a bunch of essays to write for school now. if anyones reading my blog, ☄︎ ☄︎

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(this is a bear friendly blog)

(the gay ones. not sure about

real ones)

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ