Atsushi: Dazai, Have You Ever Thought Of Getting Married ?

Chuuya: We all have our demons.

Chuuya: *grabs Dazai*

Chuuya: This is mine.

Dazai: What the hell are you doing?

Chuuya, reading Dazai's diary: Sus, be quiet. It's an enemies to lovers very good book.

Dazai: It's not what you think.

Chuuya: Damn, so you're in love with somebody else named Chuuya? What were the odds?!

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Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!

Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."

Dazai: No you wouldn't.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.

Dazai: Dear Santa,

Dazai: I’m writing to you because I know I’ve been naughty...

Dazai: And it was totally worth it, you judgmental bastard!

Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.

Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.

Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?

Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.

Chuuya: *contemplating murder*

Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.

Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"

Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.

Chuuya: See! Just say that!

Dazia: Holy fucking shit.

Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.

Dazai:

Dazai: I dare you to marry me.

Chuuya: No. I'm not falling for that idiot.

Dazai: Then I win.

Chuuya: What? No you don’t. I’ll marry the hell out of you. You’re officially my wife now. You can’t beat me like that.

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*

Dazai: I think this outfit makes me look older :D

Kyouka: But you're already old.

Dazai: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?