Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?
Dazai:
Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-
Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*
Dazai: Kunikida and I get along perfectly. Don't we, Kunikida?
Kunikida: I have never been so stressed in my entire life.
Chuuya, drunk: I mean Dazai is just an egotistical bitch who only cares about himself.
Kajii: Literally I just said I dont care.
Chuuya: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was and he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos and laugh at my jokes and~
Hirotsu: Oh well, that's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit.
Chuuya: Ikr,
Chuuya: he's just a fake privilege asshole.
Chuuya: *beating the shit out of the enemy using his gravity powers*
Dazai, under his breath: He’s so strong and so dumb and one day he's gonna top me!
Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!
Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."
Dazai: No you wouldn't.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.
Dazai, whispering to Chuuya's ear during a pm meeting: I'm sure that no one here has as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya: WTF?
Dazai: Sorry, I misspoke. I meant no one here is as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Sure...
Dazai: I think this outfit makes me look older :D
Kyouka: But you're already old.
Dazai: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?
Chuuya: Shut up!
Dazai: Or what?
Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:
Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!
Dazai: *malfunctions*
Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:
Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.
Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.
Chuuya, during a mission: How are we gonna get out of this?
Dazai: Don't worry, I have a plan!
Chuuya: *sighs* Ah, the four words society fears most.
Chuuya: We all have our demons.
Chuuya: *grabs Dazai*
Chuuya: This is mine.