Dazai: Now I'll Arrange Our Security.

Dazai: We're finally getting along. It's been 24 hours since the last time we fought. Isn't that great?

Chuuya: No, it isn't. We complete the missions faster when we're fighting.

Dazai: Quick then, say something annoying!

Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.

Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.

Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.

Dazai: Chuuya and I don't use pet names.

Odasaku: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Dazai: Honey.

*silence*

Dazai: Ha, you thought, bitch.

Chuuya, yelling from another room: What do you want, whore?

Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.

Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???

Atsushi: Oh.

Kunikida: Ranpo have you seen Dazai?

Ranpo, clearly lying: Um, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan.

Ranpo, who also helps Dazai with his plan: He's so stupid.

Kunikida:

Ranpo: You know, the only reason the president hasn't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.

Ranpo: *leaves*

Kunikida, internally: Yep. They're up to something together.

Dazai, walking up to look at a dead body: Okay, first of all, big mood.

Chuuya: Thank you for inviting me to mackerel's wedding today, Kouyou.

Kouyou: Yeah no problem.

Chuuya: This is probably a stupid question, but who is Dazai marrying?

Kouyou: You. You’re the fiancé. This is your wedding with Dazai!

Chuuya: Wait, what?

Mori: There’s your officiant. This is your wedding ring. I suggest taking him somewhere far, far away for your honeymoon.

Kouyou: For a week! No, a month!

Hirotsu: Here’s some money, make it two!

Dazai, walking in: Oh! This is beautiful! Who’s having a wedding today?

Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?

Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.

Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.

Mori: So are any of you NOT in love with Dazai?

Kunikida:

Ranpo:

Fyodor:

Sigma:

Odasaku, rising from the dead:

Chuuya: *raises hand*

Mori: PUT YOUR FUCKIN HAND DOWN CHUUYA!

*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*

Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.

Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.

Dazai: So what do we do???

Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.

Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.

Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!

Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!