Just1ook1ng

11:11

My moon

My moon shines for me.

I look from below, darkness clawing at my body.

I feel the icy fingers of self doubt.

I feel the heat of the blade of my own hatred taking ever opportunity to bury itself into my brain.

Before you I was on a path so empty.

Without you I'm lost, a broken compass, taking on water in the storms I chose to sail.

You believe in me.

I take your hand.

I'll wound you. I'll hurt you. I'll make you have moments of doubt, and unneeded pain.

I can pretend it's obsessive behavior, my need for validation, my weak value in myself.

Ultimately I can't follow that wire the one that ends at my mouth, the puppet of my mind, I look deep to find the source to see where the wire originates... If I had my way, I'd rip that fucker so hard out of my body and pray I was the man I wish I was with you.

I can't.

All I can promise is every mile down our path, every word spoken between us, every moment you give me your time, that I'll spend it showing you my love, my respect, I'll cut you when you need it, I'll care for you after, I'll strive to put you first and try to get you to feel it every day I am allowed.

All I can promise is I'll try to wear out that connection, to pull and wiggle, to break the internal connection, to render that wire useless, or all least render it unable to control it, with the force it has.

I value the moonlight that shines on me.

Fragmented I strain to hold myself together.

I try to reach and parts of me fall to the floor. No matter how I try to hold it in, the only way to keep myself together is to hold myself tight.

It hurts to reach, to watch the vulnerable pieces of yourself, the ones you've picked up, dusted off, cut your fingers to hold, slip away, fall to the dark for another.

I reach for your glow.

Not worthy.

Not entitled.

Not out of despair.

I reach because I must, because the first time seeing you was all it took, to invade my head, to spin my thoughts, kicking up parts of me long since dormant.

I reach out of sheer need.

I don't care what happens to me.

She can give and I'll be so blessed. She can choose not to shine upon me and I'll stand, waiting for you.

I know I'm not the best. I know I'm not the kindest. I know I'm not much of anything in this life, but for long as I breathe, keeping my beating heart going in this temporary husk I'm in...... I'll be all I can be for her.

Even in doubt, even when I feel like I'm farther away. Even scared..... I will not give up reaching... I will reach until my arms start to spasm, until my body aches from wait, long since weary...... I will reach.

My moon....

““I can’t lose you. Because if I ever did, I’d have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.””

—

Nothing feels better than the warmth of your touch.

You never know how much you will feel, until you come across that which stops you in your tracks, not from fear but from sheer mental overload.

You never know how much you love, until you find yourself losing the very thing that kept you grounded.

Don't be afraid to live, don't go through this alone..... That which is painful is often more rewarding.

Moon...

❤️.......