Life Is What You Want It To Be.

#JMLConference

Ok so i need £150k, £35k to clear my debts, £80k to have my own place. I want my own space and be happy with my way off life. Living with family is depressing me and losing hope. That make £115k i have £35k left over. with that money i would invest in myself to become an Astrophysicist. I would love that as a career, and this time i wont get my mum saying i cant do it because its no longer up to her.

This Year

This year has been the best for me in 10 years. The first half was great, I was happy and believed I had found someone and was enjoying her around her even if it was for a few minutes

JMLConference

New #tokyo2020 logo 👍 or 👎

#olympics #tokyoOlympics

So yeah 2021. Turns out this is the worst year I've had since I was 20.

I was a gambling addict and lost £19k at 18/1o. Wanted to raise the money to go into further education in courses I wanted, not what others wanted for me. I lost the family money, had to get a. Job to pay back what I lost and more into the mortgage and too a loan out to pay my uncle back, with both combined mounted to £65k. £65k of debt and nothing to show for it plus the fact all the education I had I was losing. I was very good at maths but I could tell my skills where fading away. I could read English properly as I'm dyslexic but I could read sheet music. That too was fading away. I had to work to pay back what I lost. I was stuck, didn't want to know the world as everyone my age where going out, having holidays, finding partners and settling down. There was NO WAY I was going to settle down while in debt, depressed, suicidal, feeling worthless, miserable. It wouldn't be fair on the other half. So life was passing me by. I had to live with the consequences of my decision to gamble.

Why I gambled I will post in a later blog, but that was the worst point in my life. My matter what happens going forward it good deal with knowing I won't get the life I wanted, but I still have a life and will make what I can out of it. That mind set ook me till my late 20s to get.

I liked 2020 personally. I enjoyed being on furlongh, I'm home and getting paid. I had over time at my 2nd job. I proposed to my Girlfriend and she said yes on the 12th Feb 2020. My spirits where high. The early scare was my mum when she had Covid but she survived thankfully.

Then it falls. From October onwards. Stresses and mentally drained. Like many others. I felt my fiancee was pulling away from me. I get she was scared of covid and didn't want to hug but I am an affectionate person. She would always reject them which in turn I stopped trying as rejections is painful, esp from the one you love. It was great that I only got a response every 2 days or once a week, but I loved our walks and talks about finding a house. I get she was going through personal issues but I was shut out by her and she would only respond once a week from November. At the same time I had banter go wrong with a colleague I worked with at Asda Small Heath. He started a banter with me that was of a Rasical nature and Deformation of Character, but I knew it was a joke but he couldn't take the joke back.

I told my partner and she did not want to know as she had too much going on. I personally think she over thought it and I wasn't expecting anything from her but she went quite again. I said to her I can't keep meesaging you everyday with Good Morning and Good night, as I don't think I'm helping. She thought I was going to get her to beg me to text back. Wow, that was not the case as I was texting her everyday, beginning for a response and she would one res9one a week.

I made a birthday video for her at the be2of December and the only response I got was, 'thanks lol'. I was thinking

'is that all you say to your fiancee!, you didn't even remember my birthday and your not putting any effort in after you freaken moaned!'

I got a couple more messages and the last was on 23rd December. Didn't here from her on Xmas day nor new years day. Wow. I felt the love! I was, and still am in pieces. She had a go at me for not putting the effort in yet I texted her every day but she didn't. I don't mind her not remembering the anniversary but when I sent her a photo of the flowers she did even say happy anniversary, yet she moaned about Valentines day the year before. She moaned about my lack of buying presents on her birthday in 2019 Christmas 2019 but 2020 she forgot my birthday and as you read, she never messaged me on Christmas.

After all that I still love her. No one's perfect, I'm not, she not, I'm not, but my world feels complete with her. I continued to text her on good morning and good night on Mondays Fridays and the weekends. Sometimes in between but nothing, even on valentines day 2021. On the window sill, I have her Birthday, Christmas Valentines presents with flowers and I took a photo and sent it to her. As I sent the photo to her now knowing it was over.

I never wanted it to be over.

2013 Eurovision song

The following song i wrote back in 2004(I think or even earlier) and was hoping someone would take it and win the Eurovision contests with it. The plan was to get at least 8 or 10 points from most of the country's and we could we. I also planned to do this because i want to get out of debt and to take the next step, to write a Christmas Number one then a James Bond song.they follow was on the internet for years:

You Are The One For Me

This song is meant for female vocalist (no not me ;), I cannot sing). I was watching the television and trying to write a song but nothing was coming to me until a advert for Tina Turners Greatest Hits came on and thats when I had the idea of writing for a good female vocalist. I just to thinking that ladies like the fairy tail story of when a Knight in Shining Armour comes along and there is a spark between them, which leads to them both falling in love and having a happy long life together.

So with that in mind I just got writing and in about 40 minutes I had a completed song. Hope you all enjoy reading it. Thank you.

V1 I've searched along this lonely road, So I can find someone to hold. I saw you there in the shining light, Could you be my one and true knight? Bridge Helplessly i gazed to you, Will this make my dreams come true? Chorus In your arms I'm flying to the sky, On cloud nine we both can agree. Shoot by Qupid we dont ask why, I just know you are the one for me. V2 Like a flower we grow and bloom, I'm your bride and you are my groom. Down the eilae I feel my heartbeat, With are rings the circle is complete. Bridge Are future is assured, Are children are loves reward. Chorus X2 Music Fade

5 things I love about you.

1 Your smile

2 loved it when you held my hand and put your he's on my shoulder.

I know you don't like showing affection in public but when you did that it made me feel special.

3 only twice did you say I love/miss you first. That kept me glowing for months.

4 you met my family and chatted with them comfortably

5 when we where lying next to each other, cuddling, I closed my eye and felt our hearts beat the same. X

I miss you Aleema Ali

If Rey was Luke's Daughter and Palatines Grand Daughter (like k said I'm my last post)

The plot hole left from The Force Awakens will be fixed. I am talking about the map to Luke, at the very beginning. Luke said he hide away, so why was there a map.

What if...

Lor San Tekka, was a Jedi. He was for the Republic and Resistance. He helped Luke find Jedi artifacts and helped with the academy.

Lor would have an Apprentice (Te Rak-Na) and encourage the light and to make sure the sith would never rule again.

He was having visions of Luke with rage and using the dark side, Luke's wife dieing along with Te Rak-Na.

When Luke was about to kill Ben, Lor scened that moment and thought Luke had turned. He went to the academy and saved Luke's wife. She was only four weeks pregnant and didn't know. He would hide her on Jaku. He believed he was saving her from Luke. Te would be staying with her and she was given that task by Lor. Luke's wife had gone into shock and into a breakdown. Lor would be watching over them as Obi watched over Luke.

Lor heard that Luke got angry after seeing his academy burnt and losing his wife, letting Leia down and almost killing Ben. Luke had so much rage and went after Snoke. They both had an epic battle, Luke even used Lighting, which scard Snoke. Snoke escaped, knowing he couldn't beat Luke in this state.

Luke, barely standing, saw a reflection of himself, realized he had gone to far and what was left of his hope had gone. He went to hide on Arktu.

Lor had read his vision wrong. He blamed himself Luke's rage. He made it his mission to be look after Luke's wife and bring him back. He trusted his Te to look after young Rey and keep her in hiding while he searched for Luke. Lor knew Luke went back to Tatooine once a year. Around about the time of his Grandmother's passing. Luke had hidden a map to Arktu behind her grave stone which Lor had finally found. He now had hope,

This would be the map that he gives to Po.

The line he says 'this should start to make thing right' was for this reason.

Ps I know it's not written well but I'm not great at writing. I just want Star Wars to be better than we had it.