The Most Beautiful Girl I Know Is Sleeping In My Bed

It's Saturday and I'm smoking out my bedroom window again.

A lyric is stuck in my head: the end is closer every second than it's ever been right now.

I wonder that dying is the only thing I'll never be able to control. I find it hard to believe that I won't be scared.

I know that's why people believe in God— because they're scared. I don't really have anything to believe in; maybe the air bubbles in oil, adrenaline, a first draft.

I want to believe in something that's worthy of it. But I haven't found anything like that yet.

Myself, maybe?

Six days sober

Recently learned about a type of pattern synesthesia where people can pick out 4-leaf clovers easily

I wonder if they are more lucky

Friendship

I listened to the whole of your three-page poem about the life you wanted to live. I cupped your dreams by my heart.

The gasp when the wind is knocked out of you. When you can't do anything but react. It's harder to stay quiet when you have to- the time I just had to smoke weed way past dusk boundaries and brought you with me and we lay on top of each other in the snow, your hand over my mouth because I was so high and each breath felt like a roar.

I brought you with me everywhere I went. Around my neck during hazy nights sprawled on the bathroom floor. Bad hookups where neither of us have had enough to drink. I'll never forget your face in the periphery of every memory.

Last summer I watched as you fell in the pool and your blood stained the water like little explosions. You were fine, it was just your foot, but afterwards we lay naked on the hot pool deck and you confided in me the things only I could hear, that sometimes still you wished you were dead.

I had no advice to give because I felt the same way. It was kind of funny. We've known each other for sixteen years but we're still right where we started. Looking towards the same future. The same people.

either way by odie leigh // jeff buckley // normal people by sally rooney // unknown, possibly natalie diaz // eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004) // old friend by mitski // halloween by phoebe bridgers // unknown // unknown

I wanna go to a friend's friend's friend's show & get fucked by her afterwards

I want to be alone in a crowded room

i wanna do something that's not allowed

When I was little, probably 7 or 8, I spent a summer working in the library at our church helping out the elderly woman who ran it. It was no bigger than a large broom closet but we had a notable amount of religious books for all age ranges as well as an extensive collection of cassette recordings of every Sunday sermon going back a decade or two. I'd sit in there all day helping her catalog the index cards and keep record of who had borrowed what. We wrote on index cards all day long and listened to the recorded sermons, which included the choir's worship service at the beginning. "Nearer, My God, To Thee" was always my favorite hymn by a long shot. I wanted to emulate listening to it on the tiny tape player in that little library for Perverts. It's a fond memory of mine, just wanted to share :)

All this expectation is a knife!!

Getting worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better

I recreate situations in the Sims 4 to feel some grasp of control over them

i told you sooooooooooooo 🫡

I used to love this city and now it just feels haunted

i wish i didn't feel so sick inside of my body i wish i was like everyone else i don't mean that but things would be a lot simpler if i did

everything i write turns out as an i-statement and maybe that means i don't think about anyone other than myself but i don't want to speak on someone else's behalf