Either Way By Odie Leigh // Jeff Buckley // Normal People By Sally Rooney // Unknown, Possibly Natalie

It's Saturday and I'm smoking out my bedroom window again.

A lyric is stuck in my head: the end is closer every second than it's ever been right now.

I wonder that dying is the only thing I'll never be able to control. I find it hard to believe that I won't be scared.

I know that's why people believe in God— because they're scared. I don't really have anything to believe in; maybe the air bubbles in oil, adrenaline, a first draft.

I want to believe in something that's worthy of it. But I haven't found anything like that yet.

Myself, maybe?

Friendship

I listened to the whole of your three-page poem about the life you wanted to live. I cupped your dreams by my heart.

The gasp when the wind is knocked out of you. When you can't do anything but react. It's harder to stay quiet when you have to- the time I just had to smoke weed way past dusk boundaries and brought you with me and we lay on top of each other in the snow, your hand over my mouth because I was so high and each breath felt like a roar.

I brought you with me everywhere I went. Around my neck during hazy nights sprawled on the bathroom floor. Bad hookups where neither of us have had enough to drink. I'll never forget your face in the periphery of every memory.

Last summer I watched as you fell in the pool and your blood stained the water like little explosions. You were fine, it was just your foot, but afterwards we lay naked on the hot pool deck and you confided in me the things only I could hear, that sometimes still you wished you were dead.

I had no advice to give because I felt the same way. It was kind of funny. We've known each other for sixteen years but we're still right where we started. Looking towards the same future. The same people.

I used to love this city and now it just feels haunted

i wish i didn't feel so sick inside of my body i wish i was like everyone else i don't mean that but things would be a lot simpler if i did

everything i write turns out as an i-statement and maybe that means i don't think about anyone other than myself but i don't want to speak on someone else's behalf

Dude last night I had this dream we were fucking. I saw the back of your neck all bare and it was like I fell forward lips first onto it. Thin gold chain, spring clasp, I ripped it off with my teeth. I heard you choke for a second until it broke but you knew I wouldn't hurt you.

And in the dream we are in your bed, in your old room, the one you shared with that emo boy-girl who didn't want you having anyone over ever, in that so silent space of broken eye contact and listening, listening. A space can't last if you know you have to leave it right, so here I am writing about some pathetic dream I had about some thing I said I would forget. Maybe some other night I would write about softness or upturned lips but no this is all water now

School's started

I drink at least one iced matcha latte with oatmilk a day

I'm in love with my teacher

Sunny is a girl in a sea of girls

I want to be loved like a piece of jewelry. You would hate it if I were gone and you would feel my absence like a misplaced thought.

The third and last time we met you did not touch me in a new or exciting way. This is when I realized I was searching for a feeling that did not exist.

I want to be loved like a thing you find god in. There are few things like that: writing, discipline, truth. But I am no vessel of god, I am searching for it too.

Even though I looked at your face for many hours I cannot remember it. You had eyes and a mouth, unshaven. Your body cold and made to worship. The missing section of the heart is where humanity lies and your heart is impossibly whole.

I wanna go to a friend's friend's friend's show & get fucked by her afterwards

I want to be alone in a crowded room

i wanna do something that's not allowed

i told you sooooooooooooo 🫡

When I was little, probably 7 or 8, I spent a summer working in the library at our church helping out the elderly woman who ran it. It was no bigger than a large broom closet but we had a notable amount of religious books for all age ranges as well as an extensive collection of cassette recordings of every Sunday sermon going back a decade or two. I'd sit in there all day helping her catalog the index cards and keep record of who had borrowed what. We wrote on index cards all day long and listened to the recorded sermons, which included the choir's worship service at the beginning. "Nearer, My God, To Thee" was always my favorite hymn by a long shot. I wanted to emulate listening to it on the tiny tape player in that little library for Perverts. It's a fond memory of mine, just wanted to share :)