Emotional Processing Is So Funny Because Sometimes You’ll Be Violently Sobbing On Your Bedroom Floor

when lorde said “i knew that teenagers sparkled. i knew they knew something children didn’t know, and adults ended up forgetting. since 13 i’ve spent my life building this giant teenage museum, mausoleum maybe, dutifully wolfishly writing every moment down, and repeating it all back like folklore. and now there isn’t any more of it.”

calm

cr: a quien corresponda

I have been thinking of the ways we tell people things. My father's hands shake, but he holds the phone up so I can watch the video from six feet away. My mother emails me the recipe of her beef stroganoff at 6 in the morning with the comment - woke up and didn't want to forget to do this! On the highway, we sing so loudly my voice grows hoarse; on the beach I sneak nice rocks into people's hands so they have something to hold; on the floor we all sit quietly in the same agreeable silence. We are all saying the same thing.

My friends say "Oh you know, keeping busy." This means they are having a hard time but making themselves survive it. I ask them to help me walk me dog; this is me telling them it's okay sometimes to just be present and talk about young adult fiction. When I cancel again because I can't get out of bed, she tells me she's on her way with cookies.

I point out the sunset. She shares her fork before I ask for it. He calls me at 1 AM just because I'm on the road alone, we talk about stupid shit. She waits for me to get indoors safely before driving away. He says - nah, forget it, I'm happy to do it for free.

People are saying it, you know? They say it often and loudly. Sometimes, you know - you just have to be listening.

five recipes for an exciting life (in my opinion)

spending enough time creating things with your hands (baking, drawing, scrapbooking, doodling, crocheting, journaling and so on)

keeping track of things like pretty skies, milestones, happy memories, appointments you're looking forward to

listening to music that genuinely makes you feel happy and energetic

making a habit of reaching out to people in a way that's comfortable to you (i send my dad songs he might like, my friend sends me monthly life updates)

being kind to all your five senses → like investing in a scented candle or essential oil dispenser or body mist, having a soft blanket or socks (or a soft animal to pet), listening to birdsong or the rain, looking at the sky more often, and having your favorite foods enough times

i exist, i exist, i exist

kačka chmelíková // holly warburton // ? // image from pinterest // letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke

i spend my days waiting. waiting for the water to boil and my tea to be ready. for spring to come back. for more daylight. the oil in the pan to heat up. a “hey i miss you” or “can you help me out for a second?” or “you want to hang out?” text. for my phone to finish charging. for good news. flowers on the table. the next hug. “hey, you got the job!”. waiting for the sun. to set. to rise. to see both. for summer to be around the corner. a good song. a falling star. a text back. i spend my time waiting to be remembered. i spend my time repeating that tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. i spend my days waiting and waiting and waiting. i spend my days waiting unbearably.

Jane O. Wayne // Kate Jacobs

I think what Good Omens really cemented for me, personally, and forced me to realise and accept is that… I’m just never going to understand what its like to experience sexual attraction towards other people. I’m just not going to get it. 

Look, I watched the whole series start to finish at least four times before I went online and looked for fandom content. I’d never, ever, seen a relationship like theirs done so absolutely perfect before, in any media. I love it, I adore it, it resonates so clearly and purely with me. I was so completely wrapped up in them that it wasn’t until I came online and saw all this nasty discourse about queerbaiting and homophobia in Good Omens that it occurred to me that anyone could doubt the validity of their love. Even now when I watch it back, over and over, it baffles me that people don’t get it. They adore one another. They are completely devoted to one another, its so obvious, in their words, their actions, the way they look at each other, what they do for one another, its all just…. right there.

But that’s thrown into question because why? Because they dont kiss on screen? Because there’s no dramatic confession of love? Because, God forbid, they dont fuck? To me that’s just… ludicrous. Unfathomable. 

I just dont get the need for it. Love is more than kissing, more than sex, and I just dont understand why physical affection must be a requirement of love. I guess I’ll just never get it. 

Sometimes (lots of times) (all the time), I have the urge to do a thing but i dont know what. Or, I feel weird, but can't figure out why or what to do to fix it. ADHD, executive dysfunction, how I feel, and the phase of the moon can all make it really hard for me to think of a solution to the issue -- or even know what the issue IS. And while meds and regular sleep certainly help, for better or for worse my brain just isn't wired for this.

So, I decided to outsource my brain.

I couldn't find an app that did what I wanted or was customizable enough for me to fake it. Therefore I built an analog external brain to do my thinking for me.

First, I bought a small, 100-or-so page notebook. It was about eight bucks at my Local Corporate Book Retailer.

Then, I logicked out all the possibilities I might have trouble braining, and started adding each step to the book -- kind of like a choose-your-own-adventure novel.

Here's an example path, which starts with me knowing what I want, and the analog brain telling me how to get there. I twisted my ankle a couple weeks ago and keep forgetting to do things to make it better, so here's my solution:

[image: Do you know what you want? Yes -> 1, No -> 32. Yes is circled]

Yes, analog brain, I know what I want! Let me flip to page 1.

[Image of Page 1: What do you want to do? Exercise -> 2 is circled. Other options include Read -> 13, Watch something -> 20, Eat ->31, Be creative -> 25, Have an adventure ->26, Clean something ->28, Learn something->29.]

Still know what I want, so I flip to page 2.

[Image page 2: What kind of exercise do you want to do? PT -> 5 is circled. Other options include Weights -> 3, Cardio -> 4, Yoga -> 9, Something quick -> 10, Hiking -> 11, Adventure -> 12]

Skipping some pages now! Since this is meant to bounce me around, it doesn't make sense to try and read it in order. (On the plus side, that makes it super easy to add new options to any part of the tree).

[Image page 5: What kind of PT? Ankle ->6 is circled. Other options include Knee->6a, Neck->7, Shoulders->8.]

(When I first numbered the pages, 6 and 6a werw stuck together, whoooops)

[Image page 6: A list of ankle PT exercises]

Eyyyyy my external brain showed me how to do my flippin' PT so my ankle stops hurting! Yay!

But what about when I don't know wtf is wrong or wtf I want? There's an app analog brain for that! (Yes I'm aware its called a decision tree or process flow or what have you. Let me have this).

[Image: Do you know what you want? No->32 is circled]

No, spacebook, idfk what's wrong, I can't brain today.

[Image page 32: How are you feeling? In pain ->33 is circled. Other options include Overstimulated->37, Understimulated, Panicky->43.]

(As you can see, I have plans to add a page for overstimulated but have not done it yet.)

Oh yeah my ankle kinda hurts, maybe I can do something about that...

[Image of page 33: What kind of pain? Knee/ankle/neck/etc ->35 is circled. Other options include Menstrual nonsense->34, Head->38.]

[Image of page 35: Joint/old injury pain: Take advil, Ice or heat, Massage, Foam roll, Warm bath, PT exercises. Under the last option are subsets Ankle->6 (circled), Neck->6a, Knees->7.]

...Aaaand now I'm back around to my list of ankle PT exercises! And I didnt have to think at all!

Anyway -- all it takes to make something like this for yourself is a notebook and some time to think the logic through. You can start by making lists (not in the notebook) of questions you have trouble braining in the moment, and what some solutions are. Then number your pages, and get started!