The Dissonance Of Facing Dreams
The dissonance of facing dreams
There’s something so desperately magical about knowing that soon, an old dream of yours is about to come true. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to live the clean and fresh life of “that asian kid“- the pocky-fueled, day-planning, goldfish-having kid with a metric ton of cute clothing and a futon in their room- not to mention, high As in every class.
And recently, I’ve been getting closer to that dream than I ever thought I could- I’ve had to pay for my own clothes, work my own job, and clean up my room- stained with the years of a depressing, apathetic, indifferent personality. But impossibly, everything started to fall into place. I finally scrapped up enough energy to get up and clean, start to integrate myself into my new personality, start to see my dream come true- and it felt enchanting.
It didn’t feel real.
Is this me?
Did I work hard enough?
Am I dreaming?
My body no longer feels like some costume I couldn’t take off, I no longer see a stranger when I look into the mirror. I take care of myself. It feels so real, yet so unreal. I feel like I’m the one moving my arms. This couldn’t have happened, but it’s happening? I’m not there yet, but I can tell- there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can already feel the sun on my face, and the breeze by my ear.
Hey, old me- can you see me now? If I could cry, I think I would. I’m about to live a life I wouldn’t have dared to dream up when I was younger. I think, maybe, I’m about to become someone I’ve always wanted to be?
If I’m dreaming, I wish I could stay asleep forever. The rest of the world can wait.
<3
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Are you afraid ?
they are watching me
Dinner after an exhausting day
hihi caramel my wonderful mootie!
hope you have an amazing day today!! <3
Ahh thank you!!
I held off on replying to this a little bit to save it for today. I've got a midterm and a quiz, so am really busy and stressed (´；ω；｀)
But, thanks to your kind words, I feel like today will be a good day. You have a wonderful time too, I love you <3
Distraction from progress
I've been having some time off from my spring cleaning and "new life" due to some family issues. Sucks, since all I want to do is feel that fresh and giddy happiness I get when I realize I'm so close. I'm not going to talk about what has been happening specifically, but I do need to spend a lot of time with my family.
Will this be how all distractions feel in my new life? All dragging and somehow hopeless for me? Who knows- all I can do is hope that this doesn't last long. I've got plans with friends tomorrow and the day after, though- so I guess I'll need to fit more of my new life into that.
Just trying to feel better right now, not doing too well though :/
<3 Caramel
Same me, new plans
Woke up today and ate some leftover pizza from the fridge. It always feels so greasy and never makes me feel okay. My grandma was already going to drop off lunch for me but I guess I have no self-control.
Always thinking of an idealistic life where I can live like the rest of the put-together asian kids you'd see in a k or c-drama, I can't really get myself in the moment now. But during the occasional moment of clarity in the present that I have every so often, I can see that I'm pretty much in shambles.
I should be exercising, cleaning my room, wearing nicer clothing, studying for school- why do I load myself up with APs even though I never do homework? I'll never know. I guess I like to live out some aspects of my dream life while neglecting others.
I want to get out of this greasy failure life and live out my dreams as someone who's put together and productive.
I don't remember if I already sent you one so erm
AHHH!!!
W-wh-when did it become popular to fish slap your mutuals..?!?!!??!
My friends are big fans of BABYMETAL, and plan to go to a concert in the summer. I'm not really a concert person, but I do appreciate the crowds of fashionable people they bring about. I wish I had that courage.
Not sure if this helps but I don't really believe that knowing we'll die in the end changes anything.
Do you listen to a song just because it ends?
Do you read a book just to close the cover in a few days?
Look, I'm no fully grown adult with a grip on life or a real job or anything, but I'm a bit of a believer in just trying to make the best of things while we're here. The time limit isn't really the end goal per se, but it's something to give our lives value.
What's the point in living forever anyways? With an ~80 year lifespan, these days matter!
Or at least, that's what I believe in theory. Might want to consult @aletheia-mou for more thoughts on life, since I've kind of reached a point in this line of thought that satisfied my need for knowledge in this area.
Hang in there<3
Caramel
☆ Meaningless? ☆
What's the meaning of life? I need an answer--not something along the lines of "it's all about self-discovery!" Discovering one's life is part of the journey, but if that's all there is to life, I don't want any part of it. If it's truly the case, then I discovered that my life is full of wrath and meaningless things. I use too much oxygen and produce too much carbon dioxide. My presence is negative even on an environmental level. My life is all about academics I swear. Although I love academia, it kinda sucks that I am 2 dimensional outside of school. Why should I even pity myself? Maybe everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna die anyway sooner or later.
I hope it's sooner rather than later.
(o´∀`o)
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