I’m Obsessed With This

Someone, probably Alexander: do you like James or Meredith?

Oliver:yes

I was in line at Aldi and this girl with two toddlers in front of me had her card declined and she looked so fucking sad and said “let me call my husband real quick” and it was only 18 dollars, so I just paid for it, and she was very sweet and then as she walked off, the lady behind me said `”You know that was probably a scam, right?” and like, even if it was, like what a sad fucking scam, right? 18 dollars at the Aldi. If you’re “scamming” me for some Tyson chicken and apple juice and cauliflower, then just take my fucking money. 

“A scam” people are fucking wild.  

チェンソーマン

it’s not fair

I said it in the notes on the last post but I’m gonna say it again.

I’m married to someone with severe memory problems. Automation of household appliances & systems helps him a lot and helps me a lot because it reduces the number of things I have to keep in my brain at all times. I love doors that lock themselves, being able to schedule dog food being delivered, a thermostat I can manipulate from wherever. Beyond my little bubble it should be noted that voice controlled appliances can be really good for people with mobility concerns. Appliances that can measure and talk and remember little tasks can be such a blessing for people.

I will never forgive Amazon and Google for taking technologies that could be really helpful and weaponizing them, and fuck everybody who acts like its some kind of conspiracy theory that those devices are spying on you. You absolutely should be distrustful of those devices but just make sure you’re getting angry at the right people.

Anyway if this post reaches 30000 notes I'll sit down and professionally film a Goncharov movie scene you can send to people who claim it's not real. This is completely serious, I've made movies before and I'm willing to do it for the memes.

Things That Never Happened in History Class

1.  Professor Gadling's History 101

"... and so you see, Nan Boleyn was no 'femme fatale' homewrecking the happy Tudor household and leading the 'good' King Henry astray..."

There were snickers in the room.

"... though it makes for some pretty good stories, aye?  Always love me a good bodice-ripper or that Jonathan Rhys-Meyers on the telly.  He's a dish, that one."  Professor Gadling leaned a bit forward, a naughty gleam in his eyes.  "Though, the real King Henry was a looker when he was younger.  Looked a bit like our Prince Harry, now that I think about it."  

More laughter.  Which was typical in Professor Gadling's classes.  Iggy Pop - really, that was his name and yes, his parents loved him dearly - said, "Like, the dude's got a way with bringing all that historical stuff to life.  Like he was totally there.  Totally awesome, dude."

Iggy also had some of the best grades in the class, California surfer animated Pixar turtle accent and all.  But the observation was accurate.  

And it was also one of the reasons why Professor Gadling's history classes were booked solid every semester.

2.  Nevermore

Sometimes, there was a raven on Professor Gadling's shoulder.  

The first time he appeared, he was perched all nice and comfy on the professor's shoulder, looking as calm as you please, fixing the class with his beady black clever eyes.  

The Professor sighed.  "No, he's not me familiar.  He's babysitting."

"You mean, YOU'RE babysitting him, right, Professor?"

The raven squawked in protest.  Professor Gadling rolled his eyes.  "He's the one doing the babysitting.  I try not to pick arguments with ravens, you see.  Terribly bad idea."

"Nevermore," said the raven clearly and drolly.  

The class eventually learned the raven's name was Matthew.

3.  There can be only one

There was a persistent rumor that someone once confronted Professor Gadling with an honest-to-God actual sword.  

It happened in that secluded alleyway created by the old library and the faculty building, or so the story went.  

The Professor, in atypical fashion, went, "Nope."

"There can be only one!" declared the sword-wielder, raising his weapon.

"Nope, I'm NOT that kind of immortal.  You don't get to take my head, there's not going to be any ruddy lightning quick-thing whatever it is you lot call it.  I'm not the droid you're looking for.  Go off with you."

Apparently, Matthew the Raven helped drive whoever it was away - aside from the fact that the Professor was actually pretty good in a fight.  

"Ugh, Pierson owes me THREE pints for this!"

4.    Shakespeare In Love

There was a rule that got passed down from class to class.  

For sheer unadulterated entertainment, get Professor Gadling to rant about William Shakespeare.  Oh, he wasn't one of those who posited that the Bard never wrote his plays.  Far from it.  

He just absolutely had Very Specific Opinions about the man.  And they were Loud, Pointed and absolutely Hilarious.  

This was also good for distracting the Professor long enough to get out of any last minute homework or suprise quizzes.  There was hell to pay during the next class, but it was well worth it.  

"You are too harsh on dear William, sir," said the snow-pale young man in black, with the messy, rumpled hair.  

The class wasn't sure how he suddenly appeared in their midst, although it felt like he'd always been there.  He looked perfectly grave, absolutely serious... except for the glint of mischief in his odd dark blue eyes.

The professor crossed his arms over his chest, looking sourly at him.  "He was a ruddy hack.  Got a bit lucky, I'd say."

The pale young man smiled faintly.  "He had a true gift that just needed a little bit of nudging."

A scoff.  "Sure.  Exchanged his soul for artistic immortality, Faustian bargains, deals with the Devil."

"No."  The smile was still there and it was mesmerizing to see, as if this wasn't a man given much to that expression.  "Just two plays, commissioned to order.  What need have I for men's souls?"

"Hmph."

"Jealousy does not become you, Hob Gadling."

"Oi!"

"Uh... Professor, should we leave you two alone now?  Like, this whole lover's quarrel UST thing you've got going is kinda cute, but we really don't wanna be around for the kiss-and-make-up part!"

Of course, it was Iggy Pop who just had to ruin what seemed to be the most interesting moment that had happened so far in Professor Gadling's history classes.  

Someone raised a hand.  "I don't mind being around for the kiss-and-make-up part!"

The class would later learn that the young man's name was apparently "Murphy."  

He was also Matthew's "boss."  

Any kissing and making up supposedly took place at that New Inn down the road, which also served, among other things, a delicious shepherd's pie.

- end -

NOTE: Yes, I did a Highlander reference. I couldn't resist.

Your OPSEC is Bad and You Should Feel Bad

Okay so one of the many things that drives me absolutely nuts about most TV shows and (some) books that involve secret or classified information or secure facilities is how absolutely not secure everything is, so these are a few basic things that people get wrong:

You can't carry around classified information. There are, I assume, exceptions in specific cases, though they are assuredly very carefully managed, but random intel agent #12 cannot legally just take home classified information so they can work on it at home. That's incredibly illegal. And that's for a reason--secure facilities are, as the name suggests, secure. Everywhere else is varying levels of not secure. Even for people working with regular business or government materials on their work phone or laptop, there are varying levels of strict rules about where you can leave it, how to report a lost device, and not keeping it in checked bags.

Badges should be innocuous and limited in visible information. Any sensible security system doesn't have badges that are numbered/colored/otherwise identified by access level, because that is a really easy way to identify targets for thieves/people who want to break in. American federal ID cards (CAC for military, PIV for civilian) have really specific layouts. Some companies distinguish between full time employees, interns, vendors, etc in their cards.

Badges shouldn't be displayed outside of the office. This is not really followed by real people (if you get on the metro on DC you will see a wide variety of visible badges), but displaying a badge is not security-wise because 1) it makes them easier to steal, and 2) it can make you a target.

Names/access level/information shouldn't be openly announced. I'm looking at you, MCU Spider-Man fanfiction. Just. Don't.

Confidential/classified information shouldn't be openly discussed. Stop having your characters talk about confidential or classified information in front of people who shouldn't know it, or even just out in the open at all. They shouldn't be telling their parents, their friends, their spouses, etc. Even businesses or government buildings that deal with sensitive information, there may be spaces where certain things can or can't be discussed, and employees/contractors will go through approximately 8 million trainings on where you can't discuss certain information. This also involves erasing whiteboards, locking computers, etc.

You can't have cell phones in certain secure facilities. People shouldn't be having their cell phones with them in SCIFs. This prohibition extends to all things that can be recording devices, including furbies.