One Stranger Shoots Me A Smile As I Walk Past And Suddenly Life Is Worth Living And Humanity Is Not For

I've been desperately trying to remember the way I lived or made it through a certain day, and I'm caught between trying to record every second of it or loading my gallery with pictures and holding it close to myself by trusting my peripheral vision, I can’t tell whether im trying to exploit my present, or trying to preserve the ashes of a fire that once soared high, I can’t tell if it robbed me off my sight to capture the moment or left me agape enough to not be able to process anything 

its similar to that particular situation in class, where the teacher’s writing an ideology on the board but you're so engrossed all the while taken aback that its too late to take notes, and you don't trust your memory enough to attempt to rewrite it from scratch, so you turn to your left to ask your deskmate to read it out loud for you but you bite your tongue before you speak because you know they hold a different vision, and your heart races at the prospect of never seeing that glint of passion yonder again.

“to everyone their own perception, to everyone their own vision” to some a curse, to some a gem.

I wish I could remember the past.

It seems silly to me, to not have recorded every moment of that life, that past life before chaos exploded.

How unconscious I was to think it would last forever. I used to live in that past life, wild and happy and confident.

Now, I look around, trying to find my footsteps, trying to figure out who I was, who I used to be, what I used to believe in.

It's in vain.

I can't remember.

And I don't know whether that is a curse or a blessing.

- F. A.

[transcript: 1. “any fear, any memory will do; and if you’ve got a heart at all, someday it will kill you.”

2. “survive what? you said. in the weak light you looked over your shoulder. you said, nothing ever survives.”

3. “because you want to die for love, you always have.”

4. “jesus: you think suffering is a one-way street?! it’s not! it’s the exact opposite of not!

judas: you got a lot of fuckin’ nerve—

jesus: —and you’ve got no nerve at all! where’s your heart in all this, judas? you think you were with me for any other reason than that?! it was your heart, judas. you were all heart. you were my heart! don’t you know that?!”

5. “he thought about wanting to feel like he had been made for something other than dying.”/end transcript]

rita dove, primer for a nuclear age/margaret atwood, roominghouse, winter/richard siken, planet of love/stephen adly guirgis, the last days of judas iscariot/maggie stiefvater- mister impossible

Subtle reminders are the pure symbolisation of growth and the way things settle around your life, the way events and people find their place in your life, becoming a part but not always an involvement, weathering the storm together, you realise that the next time you walk past this pavement, the little sprout you first saw from the corner of your eye would’ve bloomed out from its shoot in the open, compelling you to bathe it in the warmth of the sun and feeling the taint of heat living behind its silly footprints of freckles across your rosy cheeks, you would’ve witnessed growth and time, you would’ve witnessed growth and time :)

You’re not always going to be having an absolutely downright miserable day for you to feel worn out, your body can most definitely take the toll of an event even if your mind hasn’t reached the capacity or state to process it, there are so many instances where you yourself are not emotionally ready to face something but that doesn’t mean that your body will stop there and then. Maybe it’s something that happened over a week ago, or a month, and it happened to be that very thing you tucked under your pillow so it wouldn’t keep you up at night, so take my word when I say that it shouldn’t come off as a shock to you if you can’t set your mind on something or someone, have the energy to go on about your day, or be in your element when nothing went wrong. Take this exhaustion as a sign and evaluate over those times and everything you’d been through, face them and give yourself the time to sit through what happened, processing is key, tugging it away to suffer physiological distress is not.

Always casually waiting sitting on those huge seats in the cinema hall swinging my feet back and forth feeling the butterflies in my stomach chipping away at the branches of my ribs to see the post credit scene where they pat you on the back and kith your eyelids and forehead and that sweet nose of yours because you did today, you did today :)

no phone i did not “miss a call” i watched it ring the whole time

Soft reminder that you have the liberty to choose the people you’ll invest your time and energy into, not the other way around, don’t let something that couldn’t have possibly governed you, have its restraints on you

To keep going regardless of being made aware of what’s to come is honestly one of, if not the bravest thing to do

I’m the kind of person who’d enjoy watching someone, telling me the way around , how they’re familiarised with their surrounding , how they know the ropes , how they know the people , how they remember the time at which the mailman delivers daily letters for those at work , how they know about the girl who gets the sweetest coffee in office , how they know about mrs.Clark’s newly purchased Mary Janes, since she wanted to keep up with the trends but ended up falling in love with the pair , how they know who sits where, how they know when to approach someone or not. The overdose of empathy and familiarity in the workplace makes me feel so domestic , it’s such a content feeling seeing someone settle down and get to know others , gets me thinking who would’ve initiated conversation, the first date, the first meeting, the first party, the first get together , the first call. Their first everything, and the growth and relationships they’ve nurtured, has me fascinated.

~ Ghosts of tulips past :: 💌