I Kept The Lock Lose,

Change, Strange.

i will end up disappointing people if i do something for myself and that is fine.

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are connected to something. I have no idea how and why. Everyday I see a new visuals. As if I am flipping the page without reading that chapter well. It is weird how I am attracted to things. All those people's perception about things doesn't bother me at all. Souls, spirits, ghosts, witches, demon, devils, angels, god, everything means same to me. Being a child, I loved to talk alone. I could always feel someone's presence around me. I used to talk addressing them soul and witch and that never made me fearful, not even once. I am not scared of these thoughts, these feelings which are considered strange by normal people. That sword I saw in my dream with something engraved on it, I couldn't forget it. I am always a new character in my dream but I've never been hurt there. I dreamt of water for few days. I was going to die in flood. Next time, I saw myself swimming like a mermaid in underwater town. Years ago I dreamt about aliean. An aliean who always looked for me and who promised to take me someday. It was so real that I didn't go outside of home for few days. And after few months I stopped seeing that dream and I am always feeling like I am not human. Two days ago, I touched fire and I could feel it. I could read what fire was trying to tell me. Even if it is subconscious and just a random thought, how could that feel so intense to me. Fire, Water and Soil is so connected to me. It feels like I am a tree whose roots are all wide spread everywhere in the universe. My beliefs are unacceptable. I feel like people take science as a weapon and war is coming soon. Science isn't helping us to evolve. Everyday thousands of life get deceased and it's not because of natural calamities, it is because of humans. This makes me question whether I am a human or not. I can read animals. I don't know if it is accurate or not however something is trying to communicate with me. It feels unreal. I feel unreal.

I grow so weary of being alive

My feet are aching, I just long for rest

& I count the reasons now to survive

They are all fleeting, I feel like a guest

The blue sky is bleeding, fading to gray

The flowers have all grown wilted and torn

There is no softness that begs me to stay

My smile becomes dim, so faded and worn

There's no advice in the heavens for me

& the stars are all just looking away

I'm a blackened branch in a burning tree

A faded novel with nothing to say

I have lost everything I loved the most

I am a person that's shaped like a ghost

it took my life to live.

excited for the life i am going to live.

Hanif Abdurraqib, A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance

-August.

i shall inhale poison rather than falling in love.

poetry.