Hello, Wonderful Souls! 🤍🌍

I'm selfish, crude, rude, and abnoxious, disgusting, judgmental and all kinds of stupid; I make mistakes and lie about them, blame others and life; I sin and I hurt and I scream and I cry. I am no different from you in this regard. I am a human; I'm an idiot. We kind of all are. The only difference from me and Satan is that I know my sins; I give them to God and He takes them. He knows my sins, my pride, my hate. He takes them and kills them on a big cross shaped plank. I am a sinner, there is no confusion, questions or doubt. But He is my redeemer, my saviour, and it is only in Him that I am found.

(Didn't mean for this to turn into some poem, but it kind of started rhyming and I just went with it lol)

Literally who does the devil think he is? He fell from heaven after FAILING to overthrow God, was sent to hell to suffer for eternity, decides to take humanity with him, and yet FAILS at that too.

Us humans are weak. The devil is certainly stronger than us, after all, he is still that of a divine being even though he's worth less than my pocket lint. But what does that matter when we're not even fighting him? Does it really matter when he's in a battle of strength against God?

He'll keep failing. Our only job is to focus on God and know the enemy lies.

Jesus is God. That' confusing because how can he be God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus at the same time? How can he be his own father? Well let me give you an analogy.

Think of a video game. For me, I've recently started talking about Jesus to people on Roblox. I myself am me, being my physical body. My roblox avatar is also me. And so is the voice people hear in voice chat. All of them are me, but they are not the same. Jesus is the same. He is like the avatar, God the physical body, and the Holy Spirit the voice.

I was just scrolling youtube when I came about a short and this woman was sharing her faith. Her friend had died of cancer and they had really really really prayed hard for healing and they had faith it would happen. But she still died. And what she said next shook me to my very core. She had said that even if God does not deliver us, we should not lose faith and stay devoted. And honestly I was punched in the face with knowledge and pure wisdom. I pray for her, her family and loved ones as we give condolences, and I pray a peaceful return home to their friend.

SUCK IT

You know, lately, I've been noticing a lot of "bad" things have happened to me.

I've been constantly worried and stressed at school, I'm on a time crunch to figure out what I'm going to do once I graduate, I've just practically broke my neck, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm in an art block, I'm tired, not just physically though that too, I'm tired of everything and I just want the world to end already so I can go home and be with God, I keep having scary nightmares about dying and having my family killed before my eyes at night, I just had a huge fight with my mom AGAIN because of the same issue we have been struggling with since I was born, the one place I actually feel safe enough to be my natural self without people misunderstanding me and seeing me as weird and loud and stupid and crazy and nonsensical and random and particular and annoying has started to be the place where I am told the most that there is a problem with me, the people I trusted enough to be me with keep telling me I'm not trusting them enough because I'm not morphing myself to fit their wants, the only safe place I ever had is becoming my source of stress and anxiety, I have nobody but God to lean on, and self doubt and only God knows the thoughts I've had and only God is the reason I haven't gone off the wire and done irreversable damage to others or mainly myself.

Things keep happening. I keep getting hurt physically and mentaly. Is this is what people call spirtual warfare? Is this my test? Is this my season as Job? Cuz if so I am ACING it! HAHAHA IF SATAN THOUGHT THAT HURT ME, IT BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO THE SPIRIT. THE LORD IS HEALING MY NECK. THE LORD IS HELPING ME GROW THROUGH ME DREAMS. I KNOW HE CAN AND IS WORKING IN EVERYTHING ELSE. I WILL NOT FALTER, I WILL NOT GIVE IN, I WILL NOT FALL. I DON'T NEED A SAFE PLACE. GOD IS MY SAFE PLACE. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LEAN ON. I HAVE GOD TO LEAN ON. I DON'T NEED UNDERSTANDING. I HAVE GOD TO UNDERSTAND ME. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LIKE OR EVEN LOVE ME. I HAVE GOD TO LOVE ME AND NOT ANY LOVE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE. SUCK OT SATAN. YOU DUMB GOD WANNABE FLIGHTLESS BURNT STUPID WORTHLESS UNLOVED HATED FAILURE AND EXCUSE OF AN ANGEL. FAILING SEEMS TO BE YOUR THING, IF I WERE YOU, WHICH I'M NOT CUZ I'M A LOVED CHILD OF GOD, I'D SAVE MYSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT AND STOP TRYING TO BE A SALTY BRAT ABOUT MY OWN DUMB AND ILLOGICAL CHOICES. LIKE WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND LOOKS AT GOD. THE GOD. AND SAYS YEAH I COULD TAKE HIM? WHAT, DID YOU SEE HIS OVERWHELMING GOODNESS AND THINK: NAH, I'D WIN? YOU WERE IN HIS PRESENCE. HIS RIGHT HAND DUDE. HIS MUSICIAN. AND YOU COULDN'T GAUGE THAT THIS WAS A FIGHT YOU COULDN'T WIN? SUCK IT.

(Found this rant from a while ago in my drafts and forgot to post it lol so imma post it now even though ive been nothing but blessed)

I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.

That was me. Not even a full year ago.

Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.

God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.

So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.

Who do you think you are?

A liar, a cheat, a weakling, a coward? Selfish, crude, stupid, dishonest? Unwanted, weird, wrong or a mistake?

Or maybe you think you're a godsend. A triple threat, a jewel, a diamond. Smart, genius, charismatic, good?

Truth is, it doesn't matter. Cuz you've messed up before at one point or another. You're a sinner.

And so am I.

But even then, our sin is no match for God.

I hate winter but I've come to apreciate it. One, winter is important to our world, its balance, and the way of life, but it's still cold and I don't like it. But it also reminds me of how God uses transitions from Winter to Spring to restore all things, make new life, and show he is still working. Summer is still my favorite though.

That Fangirl Moment Be Like

Does anyone ever get that feeling when you are fangirling so hard you feel like you might actually cough up your heart or whatever organ is starting to burn from all the squeeling you're doing? Or maybe how you squint your eyes so hard in excitment it feels like they might intertwine and shoot your eyeballs to the back of your skull? Or maybe how you wave your hands so visioucly that they might snap?

This lowkey be me whenever I come across my fav characters, my favorite songs, and most importantly, my favorote God.

I need more Jesus stans so we can fangirl together

Just woke up thinking about this and I need tumblr to be my therapist for a second because I just need to explain my thoughts.

When I first watched BSD (Bungo Stray Dogs), I was ok with Ranpo. I didn't like nor dislike him until I saw his backstory. The story that made most fans cry made me feel so...unsettled. It was like looking in a mirror and it scared me.

I never believed in kinning before him. Relating to an anime character? A BSD one at that? I feel like people are just projecting because it's their favorite character. Those were my thoughts. But then I met Ranpo.

I understood him. I felt what that felt like when I saw his backstory. I felt like part of me was on the screen. For the first time ever, I felt truly related to someone on the screen. It scared me a lot. I kinned a person. RANPO AT THAT.

Actually seeing a part of me I activley try to ignore and deny was a slap to the face for me. It scared me. So for a while, I avoided him. I avoided media or fan content with him in it. Of course, he's in the show, so I can't avoid him forever though. I didn't like him because he scared me.

My entire life I felt like I couldn't connect with people. Not as in I couldn't be friends with anyone, though, that is also true. I didn't understand anyone around me. To me, I was a human. I was sentient, capable of complex thoughts, and I was able to lie and "control the 'people' around me". Looking back, that was a stupid sentiment.

I was human and everyone around me was an npc. That was pretty scary for me. I didn't understand the difference between us as a child. Though I knew that everyone around me was something other than me, I only saw me and them. And if I just said a simple hello, it could become us. I miss that.

When I met Ranpo on screen, it was the moment he said it was like they were all monsters that scared me. There was something he didn't have. Something he didn't understand. That's what he thought, but in reality, it's that he's the one who has something that everyone else doesn't.

For me, it truly was just something I didn't have. And for my whole life, I've been trying to figure it out. What makes them different from me? It didn't make any sense. Everyone understood something that I didn't. Everyone had this "rule" to being a human being that I didn't know about. And that was scary.

Dazai was a bit different for me. I loved him from day -30. Literally. I watched complimations of him being stupid months before I watched the show. Years even. I didn't kin him at all and he was just a silly but complicated guy for me. But then I noticed something after realizing I kinned Ranpo.

My whole life I felt that I was the only human and everyone around me was an npc. But really, it was more that everyone around me was a human and I was...something else. I didn't know what. But it wasn't human. I mean, obviously I am physically and in every scientific way, human, but there's something missing, y'know?

Thinking about it makes me feel so cringe but I really can't explain it any other way.

I don't consider myself a Dazai kinnie because even I can't completely understand the reason he thinks himself not human. I just related a small bit to the sentiment.

So as a um...thing hiding itself as a human, I felt exposed when I was confronted with Ranpo. I eventually came to terms with it and now I like Ranpo. Though he still unsettles me because of the similarity.

So yeah. That was my vent. :)