Love

Remember the days you cried alone? Remember all the pain you went through? Remember all the sorrow and anger? Now for a different set of questions. Do you remember the days you laughed happily? Or the days of perfect comfort and a warm bed? Or the joy and love you felt? Why is it that we hold God so responsible for the first set of questions but not for the latter? He provides all that is good, not all that is suffering. Sometimes I'm so focused on being ok that I don't sit to just see the reality of things. The person who gives me grief and suffering and trauma isn't God. He let's it happen so he can do good things, but He did not do it. It was actually an ugly and stupid snake. The same snake that tried to drag me to hell because he's a salty failure and has no life. The same snake who dare try and decieve me and all of my brothers and sisters. The same snake who if you gave me the chance, I would run a pipe down it's skull and out the other end, place it over a fire, and have a cookout. I hate that snake. But don't hate God because the snake is annoying.

Who do you think you are?

A liar, a cheat, a weakling, a coward? Selfish, crude, stupid, dishonest? Unwanted, weird, wrong or a mistake?

Or maybe you think you're a godsend. A triple threat, a jewel, a diamond. Smart, genius, charismatic, good?

Truth is, it doesn't matter. Cuz you've messed up before at one point or another. You're a sinner.

And so am I.

But even then, our sin is no match for God.

Why have I been venting for the past 4 posts?

It's ok to say I don't know

I don't know. I don't know a lot of things and that's ok. Some things are meant to stay unknown and that is fine. I don't know why God let's people suffer. I could say it strengthens you. I could say it's part of a bigger plan that will do wonders for you or someone else down the line. I could say it's to show you a reality you were blind to prior. I could say He was testing you. But I don't know. There could be a number of reasons, but I don't know. Nobody knows. And we don't need to. We don't need to know why children die of cancer. We don't need to know why there is so much sickness. We don't need to know why there are drouts or floods, hunger or starvation. We just need to know one thing:

That God knows

And that's called faith

I'm selfish, crude, rude, and abnoxious, disgusting, judgmental and all kinds of stupid; I make mistakes and lie about them, blame others and life; I sin and I hurt and I scream and I cry. I am no different from you in this regard. I am a human; I'm an idiot. We kind of all are. The only difference from me and Satan is that I know my sins; I give them to God and He takes them. He knows my sins, my pride, my hate. He takes them and kills them on a big cross shaped plank. I am a sinner, there is no confusion, questions or doubt. But He is my redeemer, my saviour, and it is only in Him that I am found.

(Didn't mean for this to turn into some poem, but it kind of started rhyming and I just went with it lol)

Wolfram: *Drowns in a sandpit while wrestling an 80 pound bear*

Conrad, also known as Wolfram's big brother: "He'll be ok if he's lucky"

Yuuri: *Faints for the 100th time this season because he used a bit too much power*

Conrad: OH MY GOODNESS, YUURI ARE YOU OK?! CALL THE ROYAL MEDICS!!!

-

Wolfram: *Is being strangled by a bunch of powerful water dragons*

Everyone else: "How fascinating!"

Yuuri: *Finishes strangling Wolfram and passes out cuz he's sleepy*

Everyone else: *Literal Panic*

Pray

Right now, in this moment. Put the screen down and pray. You can just sit in His presense, you could give thanks, just pray.

Just woke up thinking about this and I need tumblr to be my therapist for a second because I just need to explain my thoughts.

When I first watched BSD (Bungo Stray Dogs), I was ok with Ranpo. I didn't like nor dislike him until I saw his backstory. The story that made most fans cry made me feel so...unsettled. It was like looking in a mirror and it scared me.

I never believed in kinning before him. Relating to an anime character? A BSD one at that? I feel like people are just projecting because it's their favorite character. Those were my thoughts. But then I met Ranpo.

I understood him. I felt what that felt like when I saw his backstory. I felt like part of me was on the screen. For the first time ever, I felt truly related to someone on the screen. It scared me a lot. I kinned a person. RANPO AT THAT.

Actually seeing a part of me I activley try to ignore and deny was a slap to the face for me. It scared me. So for a while, I avoided him. I avoided media or fan content with him in it. Of course, he's in the show, so I can't avoid him forever though. I didn't like him because he scared me.

My entire life I felt like I couldn't connect with people. Not as in I couldn't be friends with anyone, though, that is also true. I didn't understand anyone around me. To me, I was a human. I was sentient, capable of complex thoughts, and I was able to lie and "control the 'people' around me". Looking back, that was a stupid sentiment.

I was human and everyone around me was an npc. That was pretty scary for me. I didn't understand the difference between us as a child. Though I knew that everyone around me was something other than me, I only saw me and them. And if I just said a simple hello, it could become us. I miss that.

When I met Ranpo on screen, it was the moment he said it was like they were all monsters that scared me. There was something he didn't have. Something he didn't understand. That's what he thought, but in reality, it's that he's the one who has something that everyone else doesn't.

For me, it truly was just something I didn't have. And for my whole life, I've been trying to figure it out. What makes them different from me? It didn't make any sense. Everyone understood something that I didn't. Everyone had this "rule" to being a human being that I didn't know about. And that was scary.

Dazai was a bit different for me. I loved him from day -30. Literally. I watched complimations of him being stupid months before I watched the show. Years even. I didn't kin him at all and he was just a silly but complicated guy for me. But then I noticed something after realizing I kinned Ranpo.

My whole life I felt that I was the only human and everyone around me was an npc. But really, it was more that everyone around me was a human and I was...something else. I didn't know what. But it wasn't human. I mean, obviously I am physically and in every scientific way, human, but there's something missing, y'know?

Thinking about it makes me feel so cringe but I really can't explain it any other way.

I don't consider myself a Dazai kinnie because even I can't completely understand the reason he thinks himself not human. I just related a small bit to the sentiment.

So as a um...thing hiding itself as a human, I felt exposed when I was confronted with Ranpo. I eventually came to terms with it and now I like Ranpo. Though he still unsettles me because of the similarity.

So yeah. That was my vent. :)

I love God not because I want to avoid hell, which I do, but because He is so good to me. Not just because He gives me nice toys and protects me from darkness, but because He loves me. He loved me enough to make me, He loved me enough to keep me even when I left Him, He loved me enough to die and suffer in my place for my own actions, He loved me enough to restart all of creation and promise me a place in it, He loves me. And so I love Him

Dazai Chronicles Ep 4

Just click on it for better quality

If you're wondering why it looks a bit ummmm different in each part, it's cuz I drew them quite the time away. It took maybe a month gap to do the second one? But yeah, Chuuya's turn has been served. According to the poll, Ranpo should ne next. Also, no clue why the quality went down on tumbler, but I don't know how to fix it sooooo :/