Aktugawa Plz Why

Love

God died for your love, not your validation. God loved the world so much so that He died for it. He died to free us of our sin, the choices we thought we wanted to make, but in reality were only hurting us. That is love. And love is not validation.

Love isn't blindlessly validating, it's picky, and particular, and restricting. Because it doesn't want you to settle with whatever you think you want, but for you to have what you need. So love isn't letting you pick out a moldy apple, when there's a fresh feast just in the oven. It's telling you there is better food in the oven and you don't need to eat something so revolting and unhealthy. If you still prefer the moldy apple, I can't force it out your hands and force the food down your throat. I can only watch as you settle for what you think you want because while love is restricting, it's not imposing. But I didn't validate your choices, I detest them. I know it's worthless to you, maybe even harmful, compared to the gifts you could be enjoying instead. I didn't see you doing something stupid and do it too to show that you're valid in your choices. I saw you do something stupid, told you it was dumb and showed you an example of better choices.

I make this mistake too. All the time. I see someone settle for so much less and I just look away. I don't tell them about the feast in the oven. I don't tell them the moldy apple is toxic. I don't tell them sin will hurt you in the end and I don't tell them about God. I just sit there. Watching. Validating. Supporting. But not loving. Because that is never loving.

I need to love better. I need to love how He loved me. And I pray that He would help me and give me the strength and courage to love. And I pray that other's would pray this for themselves also to learn how to truly love.

I just went to sweet frogs and on the way and my family was discussing politics and how America may or may not survive these 4 years long enough to fix it back up. It had gotten me pretty down cuz it looked pretty grim when this happened:

Mom: Don't be so down, at least you're still here.

Me: Yeah, but for how long?

Mom: As long as Jesus says so.

The moment she said that, I felt so much better. I had forgotten who was in control. But knowing nothing can happen unless God let's it happen makes me feel sooo much better.

God works :)

I used to pray almost every week to God to kill me in my sleep. I used to get on my hands and knees on the top of my staircase and beg for death. I was maybe around 8 at the time. I wasn't even in middle school. Everyday I'd ake up and feel dissapointed. I'd lay in my bed a bit more cuz I didn't want to get up and llive another day. Can you imagine a child so young begging you to kill them? Can you imagine your child asking that? I used to go my life wanting to die everyday because I was depressed. I was bored. I was scared. I honestly didn't even want to die; I just didn't want to live. But now, I've changed. I don't wish for death but I'm not as scared as I used to be. I mean, I'm not inviting death to knock on my doors, but I have this thirst to be done with this life. I'm bored but only because I know this life pales in comparrison to what comes after. I'm bored because I just want nothing more than to run and hug Jesus physically and directly, in his face, say thank you over and over and over again. I can't imagine what he must've felt as his child, such a young one too, begged him to take her life only because she was too coward to do it herself. Also, I didn't mention that those were the only times I talked to God at all back then. God truly changed me. That isn't all, it truly isn't! I also have had this....situation where everyone around me felt different. At first I felt like the only normal person and everyone else was an NPC, but then I started to realize the only reason they looked like NPCs to me was because they all had some invisible thing or trait in common. I still to this day have no clue what it is, but It was something like this fundemental rule to being human. But I didn't have it. I had the body of a human, the brain of a human, the intelligence of a human...for the most part, but this thing, this thing I lacked. I copied different people constantly to try and figure out what it was but all I gained was an identity crisis. I panicked and cried for a while because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I always knew the people around me were different in a way I couldn't relate, but it all came together, or rather, fell apart when someone very close to me verbally told me something was wrong with me...multiple times. I've been speculated before that I could be on the spectrum. At first I was thought to have ADHD, both kinds. Then I was suspected to have Autism as well as sensory issues. I asked to be tested but still, it isn't really worth the time, money, and effort to others, so I am still unsure. Honestly I hoped this was the case because I'd finally have a reason as to why I'm this way and so that it'd prove nothing was wrong with me. Now, I still struggle a bit with this one simply because I truly want to just know myself. I have someone who understands me. In fact, He made me. And he doesn't make mistakes. I am no misfunction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and only in christ did I figure that out. He is the only confromation I need. God changes people in ways you never would've guessed.

SUCK IT

You know, lately, I've been noticing a lot of "bad" things have happened to me.

I've been constantly worried and stressed at school, I'm on a time crunch to figure out what I'm going to do once I graduate, I've just practically broke my neck, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm in an art block, I'm tired, not just physically though that too, I'm tired of everything and I just want the world to end already so I can go home and be with God, I keep having scary nightmares about dying and having my family killed before my eyes at night, I just had a huge fight with my mom AGAIN because of the same issue we have been struggling with since I was born, the one place I actually feel safe enough to be my natural self without people misunderstanding me and seeing me as weird and loud and stupid and crazy and nonsensical and random and particular and annoying has started to be the place where I am told the most that there is a problem with me, the people I trusted enough to be me with keep telling me I'm not trusting them enough because I'm not morphing myself to fit their wants, the only safe place I ever had is becoming my source of stress and anxiety, I have nobody but God to lean on, and self doubt and only God knows the thoughts I've had and only God is the reason I haven't gone off the wire and done irreversable damage to others or mainly myself.

Things keep happening. I keep getting hurt physically and mentaly. Is this is what people call spirtual warfare? Is this my test? Is this my season as Job? Cuz if so I am ACING it! HAHAHA IF SATAN THOUGHT THAT HURT ME, IT BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO THE SPIRIT. THE LORD IS HEALING MY NECK. THE LORD IS HELPING ME GROW THROUGH ME DREAMS. I KNOW HE CAN AND IS WORKING IN EVERYTHING ELSE. I WILL NOT FALTER, I WILL NOT GIVE IN, I WILL NOT FALL. I DON'T NEED A SAFE PLACE. GOD IS MY SAFE PLACE. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LEAN ON. I HAVE GOD TO LEAN ON. I DON'T NEED UNDERSTANDING. I HAVE GOD TO UNDERSTAND ME. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LIKE OR EVEN LOVE ME. I HAVE GOD TO LOVE ME AND NOT ANY LOVE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE. SUCK OT SATAN. YOU DUMB GOD WANNABE FLIGHTLESS BURNT STUPID WORTHLESS UNLOVED HATED FAILURE AND EXCUSE OF AN ANGEL. FAILING SEEMS TO BE YOUR THING, IF I WERE YOU, WHICH I'M NOT CUZ I'M A LOVED CHILD OF GOD, I'D SAVE MYSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT AND STOP TRYING TO BE A SALTY BRAT ABOUT MY OWN DUMB AND ILLOGICAL CHOICES. LIKE WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND LOOKS AT GOD. THE GOD. AND SAYS YEAH I COULD TAKE HIM? WHAT, DID YOU SEE HIS OVERWHELMING GOODNESS AND THINK: NAH, I'D WIN? YOU WERE IN HIS PRESENCE. HIS RIGHT HAND DUDE. HIS MUSICIAN. AND YOU COULDN'T GAUGE THAT THIS WAS A FIGHT YOU COULDN'T WIN? SUCK IT.

(Found this rant from a while ago in my drafts and forgot to post it lol so imma post it now even though ive been nothing but blessed)

Is there anything my God cannot do? Sometimes I remember how I am talking to the same God who talked to Adam and Eve, to David, and to Daniel, and to Simon and Mathew and John and every figure in the bible. I am speaking to their deliverer. So if God will deliver them from flaming furnaces, starving lions, swords and bows, and more, I know I can trust Him to save me in times of inconvenience like a stomach ache or a headache or something small. I know He can save me in big problems too, but thankfully I've never had to go through thick waters like that.

Pray

Right now, in this moment. Put the screen down and pray. You can just sit in His presense, you could give thanks, just pray.

Please. Please. Please. Just try it. Just try to pray. Just once. Just try Jesus. Please. Just once. Don't wait until tommorow. Don't wait until you have nothing but Him to lean on. Don't wait until final judgment. Because Jesus didn't die only for you to live with Him when you die, but to live with Him in the now, today. Every second you wait is a second you sit in darkness when you could be sitting in light. Every moment you get more comfortable in your sin, the harder it will be when you come out. I say this not to condemn, nor to judge, nor to force anything, but out of true love for you. I don't know you. I don't know what you've done. But what I do know is it doesn't matter, because Jesus made you, and He wants you. I also know what it's like to finally know Him, and I wouldn't want anyone to miss this. For 15 years I've missed out on this, and I don't want you missing even a second more of this. So just trust Him. With whatever you have, with all your addictions, with all your worries, with all your possessions, with all your blessings, with all your being. Because He will never fail.

Guys. God made frogs. HE IMAGINED THESE CREATURES UP.

Like let me just rant and give a list of some creatures God made and I love Him for it

• Frogs:

CUTE LIL JUMP PUPPIES! THEY SO GOOFY AND DERPY AND THEY GO RIBBIT AND SOMETIMES THEY SCREECH

• Bunnies

Come on, iconic. ICONIC. Famous for being cute!!

• CATS

YES. LIL TOE BEANED, BIPOLAR, SLEEP MACHINES

• Dolphins

So cool, but also so weird. Insane behaviour; God, I have questions

• Sheep

BAHHHHH! Perhaps His second favorite creation! Us being first of course!

• Fish

There are SO many species! He thought up EVERY SINGLE ONE!! THAT'S A LOT OF FISH

• Ferrets

LONG NOODLES

• Dogs

Did He make them to literally be man's best friend? Did Adam have a dog? Either way, I LOVE THEM

• Parrots

TALKING FLIPPIN ANIMALS THAT CAN FLY

• Mosquitos

May I inquire why? I'm not questioning your choices, God, but I'm so curious. Very curious indeed (especially to why you made them like me so much)

• Leaches

REALLY CURIOUS NOW

• Ants

So smol and so strong, but also really smart

• Venus fly trap

YES. COOLEST PLANT EVER. MY FAVORITE CARNIVOROUS PLANT! LOOKS PRETTY AND AWSOME AND EATS BUGS! SUPER COOL DESIGN, GOD!

• Whales

SO BIG! SO COOL! I LOVE!

• Jellyfish

Where's the everything they need to live?! God, you've done it again!

• Humans

Gotta be His favorite creation! So smart and complicated! Yet unfortunately, so dumb and simple too. If only we stuck too the intended parts of us.

Idk, I just thought of it lol

I remember what I believe to be a year ago, my sister, my dad, and I were pulling up to school to drop us off as we did our morning prayer. At that time, I used to play this video game and I had really wanted to pull my favorite character, so I had prayed to get him. My dad didn't understand why I would ever ask God for something so small and meaningless when I could've prayed for anything. I could've prayed for the starving kids around the world, or to heal the sick and dying, or perhaps end the war and pestilance on this planet. But instead I asked for a video game character...because I simply thought he looked cool. My dad had argued to me that I should pray for important things, not the small irrelavant stuff I do for hobbies, and I argued otherwise. I had told him that God wants all our prayers. If you want something, you only need to ask and you shall recieve. God loves to bless His children and He loves it when you talk to Him, so why would He ever want you to hold back on Him? Nothing is too big for God, this we know, but sometimes we forget there's nothing too small for God either. This was a year ago. At the time, I was what people refered to as a lukewarm christian. I was so lukewarm, I had never opened a bible, never prayed unless told, and God was just god to me with an extreme case of the lowercase g's. But I have grown since then, reading my bible, praying, and knowing my God is real and personal with His children. Such a drastic difference in person, behaviour, and wisdom and yet I still come to the same conclusion. God wants all of you. So give Him all of you.