0sc-jess

Latest Posts by 0sc-jess

Do u love two time like I do (say yes and I won’t jump you after school)

i’ll think about it

more of these three

:)

Save me from these algebras

Really loved this duo, they're like medicine to all my problems 4️⃣✖️

Hey since it's implied four was an og bfdi fan, do you think he also would go absolutely insane over new episodes. Would also be making fan theories and fanart. Do you think he was secretly fangirling inside when he first got to host - being around his favorite "characters." He probably had favorites right? In my heart book and leafy were definitely up there. Did he also absolutely flip out when book got drilled in at the end of bfdia 18? Would x have to have juice boxes ready just in case each time a new episode came out? The idea of Four also being a bfdi fan is so funny to me. He definitely has merch.

x pet four…..x happy….four purrrrrrrr

Day 29

Creatums

Day 25

Period pain projection beam go!

Day 28

Jorp

you're not allowed to be mad at them for annihilating your entire family actually. they're too cute

okay but x was a little messed up for this one

there was originally a rave about how much i love these two and their flaws here but i deleted it because people reading what i have to say scares me

learning that 4x is actually canon threw me for a loop but i love it

i don't have internet for the foreseeable future so idk how often i will be able to post art </3 getting this image to post took over half an hour in itself

geeked vs geeked

Thank you @kookycutie and everyone who got me to 100 reblogs!

CHAT WAS THE COMIC THAT FUNNY????

A what now?

•☽────✧˖°˖ SUMMER MEMORIES ˖°˖✧────☾•

(COMMISSION)

★ Summary: A Compilation of Headcanons Featuring Salesperson ENA X Reader Who Likes To Draw

★ Commissioner: @namosaga

★ Character(s): Salesperson ENA (ENA: Dream BBQ)

★ Genre: Headcanons, SFW

★ Warning(s): None - Completely Safe!

★ Image Credits: @JoelG

☆ You doodle when you’re bored. You doodle when you’re sad. You doodle when ENA’s talking about a “high-risk divestment strategy involving artificial soap and stolen cafeteria spoons.” And at some point, you started doodling her. It’s not just her whole self—though that too, many times. Sometimes it’s just the curve of her clawed hand reaching for a megaphone. Sometimes it’s her striped suspenders tangled around a heart. When ENA notices, her Salesperson side lights up like a SALE sign. “Ohhhh. What’s this? That triangle is my face! Do you find me marketable? Beautiful? Business-presentable?” You nod. The Meanie stares. “Gross. Now we’re a MUSE? Ew. I’ll be charging you royalties for my likeness.”

☆ She finds the sketchbook one day when you’re away—left on a folding chair by a half-eaten pastry and an unopened bottle of fizzy coffee. She’s not snooping, no, not at all. Salesperson insists she’s “simply browsing local investments!” The first ten pages are filled with swirled lines, nervous clutter, random eyes. But then she sees herself. Over and over. Her bent legs, her hair curling wrong in the wind, her Meanie side squished into a heart-shaped frame. She freezes. Then she flips the pages again. Faster. Slower. Backward. She eventually whispers: “I look like someone’s safe place in here.”

☆ After that, ENA starts posing. Not directly. That would be weird. And vulnerable. So instead, she just happens to linger in dramatic stances longer than necessary. Flinging her arms toward the sky like a puppet cut loose. Curling on a desk with a fake frown. Standing by the megaphone with her head tilted at exactly 37 degrees. “My right angle is better for composition, by the way,” she mutters, fake-casual. “Stop telling them that,” Meanie snaps. “You look like an expired crayon.”

☆ You doodle her in the margins of receipts. On the back of pamphlets. In the corner of forms she begged you to fill out (“Sign here to legally acknowledge the weight of our friendship.”) ENA doesn’t get mad. Not really. She just starts leaving blank forms around on purpose. Sticky notes with “FOR DRAWING PURPOSES” scribbled in all-caps. One day she hands you an envelope. It’s empty except for a note inside that says: “Put more of me inside, please. Thank you for your service to the brand.”

☆ She watches you draw one day. Quietly. Which is rare for her. You’re sitting against a wall by the noise garden, sketchbook on your knees, tongue poking out a little from concentration. ENA crouches beside you and doesn’t say anything for a whole minute. Then five. At the six-minute mark, she finally mumbles: “You only draw the good parts.” Her voice is all Meanie. Soft. Sincere. And she won’t look at you when she says it.

☆ She starts giving you feedback. “Bigger shoulders—make me more powerful! Like a tank top model with clawed ambition!” “YOU MISSED THE HAT. DRAW THE HAT OR SO HELP ME I’LL SUE.” “You made me look too nice in this one. I look like I forgive people.” Despite the commentary, she keeps them. Every doodle you give her—ripped-out pages, napkin sketches, whatever—gets tucked neatly into a growing portfolio. You caught her one night whispering to it like a bedtime story.

☆ You try to draw her when she’s upset. Not meltdown upset—just quiet. Twitchy. Detached. Her mouth stuck in a not-smile. You sketch the tension in her shoulders, the downward tilt of her hat. You don’t show her those pages. But she finds them. Of course she does. “Is this how I look when I’m breaking in half? …Accurate.” She tilts the sketch. “But you drew me like I’m still loved, even then.” She doesn’t tear it up. She folds it gently and puts it in her cap.

☆ One day, she draws you. Sort of. It’s lopsided. Chaotic. The head is too big and the hands are just rectangles. But she gives it to you proudly, declaring: “This is YOU. You’re holding a flower and a sword and a bottle of ink and also a stress ball shaped like my face.” “You look pathetic,” Meanie mutters. “Pathetically important.”

☆ She asks you what each doodle means. You explain: That one was when she made you laugh so hard you choked. That one was when she got you out of the shadow hallway. That one was after she called you “a limited-time offer worth investing in.” ENA stares at you for a long time. Then says, “So I’m…a record? A message? A monument?” You blink. “You’re a muse.” She grins. “I’m also a tax deduction.”

☆ Eventually, she lets you draw her on her. You get a marker. A red one. She offers her arm with theatrical flair. “Brand me. Immortalize my essence. Turn me into a living portfolio!” You doodle a little heart on her clawed hand. Just one. Meanie stares at it, blinking fast. “…Dumb,” she mumbles, voice like cracked glass. Then quietly adds: “…Draw another one.”

Day 20

Stupid dumbass <3

(Absolutely don’t do this if you aren’t comfortable) ENA (Dream bbq) getting drunk with reader?

•☽────✧˖°˖ FIZZY VALLEY ˖°˖✧────☾•

★ Summary: A Compilation of Headcannons Featuring Drunk Salesperson Ena X Reader

★ Character(s): Salesperson Ena (Ena: Dream BBQ)

★ Genre: Headcanons, SFW

★ Warning(s): Mentions And Descriptions Of Alcohol

★ Image Credits: @JoelG

☆ You should’ve known something was off when Ena invited you to what she called “a high-stakes engagement strategy brainstorm over beverages.” You were picturing coffee. Not tequila. Not her slamming two shot glasses on the bar and declaring, “Let’s reframe the concept of reality, darling.” She drinks like it’s a performance review—firm eye contact, exaggerated praise, and PowerPoint levels of misplaced confidence.

☆ Once Ena’s a few drinks in, her Salesperson side becomes so aggressively charming it’s like being smothered in coupon codes. “If you subscribe to this partnership now, I’ll offer you unlimited emotional support and complimentary hand-holding,” she hums, voice like cherry soda and half-suppressed giggles. You try to hide your flustered expression. She sees it. She logs it as “high conversion potential.”

☆ Her Meanie side doesn’t come out often at first—until she tries to order fries, but the kitchen’s closed. Suddenly she’s slamming her forehead on the bar, sobbing, “I AM THE TRAGIC EMBODIMENT OF CORPORATE WASTE—WHERE’S MY SALTED PRODUCTIVITY?!” You offer her a peanut. She throws the bowl at a breathing taxidermy moose.

☆ “Here’s your performance feedback,” she slurs, twirling a swizzle stick like a laser pointer, “You’re hot. You show initiative. You opened a door for me once. I will die for you.” You tell her that’s not how feedback works. She pulls out a clipboard from her suspenders and tries to make you sign a form titled “Love Contract (Beta).”

☆ She draws gimmicks on napkins. Terrible ones. Drunk ideas like “emotionally sentient office chairs” and “a pyramid scheme where everyone sells little hats.” You try to say “maybe we shouldn’t do this.” She claps a hand on your back like a frat bro and shouts, “WRONG ATTITUDE, PARTNER. THINK BIGGER.” Then she draws a diagram that’s just the word “VIBES” in a circle.

☆ She stares at you for a full minute, eyes glassy, voice flat: “Are you in the mood for shared assets and mutual annihilation, or should I put on my mask again and pretend not to like you?” You blink. She blinks. Her red side winks. You are either about to get kissed or yelled at. Or both. Probably both.

☆ The bar has one of those ancient karaoke machines. She picks a glitchy jazz remix of the Windows 95 startup sound. Halfway through she forgets the words (there are no words) and starts yelling improvised business jargon in rhythm. “Synergize my dividends, baby! Let’s OUTSOURCE THE PAIN!” Someone in the back cheers. You cry.

☆ Her Salesperson side leans over the counter, cheeks flushed, voice soft and too sincere: “Do you think people like me more when I smile? I’ve been smiling all night. It hurts now. But I—I want to be liked. I want you to like me. For me. Even if I mess up the pitch.” And her Meanie side chimes in: “GØD, I hate being real.”

☆ You’re not sure what triggered it—maybe someone said “quarterly”—but suddenly she’s sobbing into your shoulder like a malfunctioning LinkedIn ad. “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE A PRODUCT OF CAPITALISM! I just wanted to sell fruit. Or stickers! Or happiness! But now I’m selling ME!” You rub her back. She hiccups and asks if you’d still like her if she was “just a weird triangle girl with debt.”

☆ The bar’s quiet now. Her hat’s fallen off. You’re holding her upright and she’s murmuring nonsense like, “Let’s invest in each other’s feelings… diversify the pain into smaller dividends… I’ll build a company out of your laugh…” Then, barely audible: “You’re my best client. Don’t ever unsubscribe.” You smile. You don’t say anything. You just let her rest.

beautiful…

do you think they would hold hands and ride off into the sunset on the fourse

Maybe.

- One

hello! i was just asking how you felt about the ship lily x billie (as in crush wise) thank you!!

okay I actually think about this a lot! (Very normally totally) I love the ship though I see it one sided that Lilly has a crush on Billie though Billie being a little ace bean is oblivious

Okay, I’ve seen a lot of people say that the writers “went back” on Four’s character development, and that he acts the same in TPOT as he did in pre-split, and to that I say. No!

Okay, yeah, Four is still kind of a jerk sometimes. He tried to keep the EXITors trapped even after BFB ended. He’s been mean. But I don’t think they’ve completely erased his development either.

Four is a complicated character. In the BFB finale, he apologized to the contestants for hurting them so much. He was genuinely vulnerable and admitted that he was in the wrong, and because of that, he was able to strengthen his bond with those contestants, and that’s great!

But he’s still the same person. He will continue to make mistakes. Even if he’s working towards being a better person, that takes time.

And I’m not saying we should excuse his actions or anything. He absolutely traumatized Pencil and needs to be held accountable for that.

But I think that scene in BFB 30 was showing that he CAN apologize. He CAN recognize his mistakes. He CAN be better, and it’s going to take time, and he will hurt more people, and he might have traumatized the EXITors, and he’s still a jerk sometimes, but he CAN change. He CAN be vulnerable. He CAN apologize to Pencil and try to make things right again. He’s not the same as he was in pre-split, because he has learned that he needs to change, and if he keeps trying he will eventually become a better person.

I don’t think any of that made sense. I’m tired, I’m just trying to force myself awake until TPOT 17 comes out/

A what now?

ME FR!

I like drawing numbers and girls

i’m turning this into a painting trust.

Fourge Washington

Just. Going to leave this here. From months ago. Yes

based on these

Sweet Dreams, Four...

First time completing an animation thing like this! Sorry if the quality is a little low... --;

I had fun making this! And I had fun revealing some later story stuff for this au...and giving emotional damage to my friends hehehehehe >:)

Ena and 4x

Hihihii i recently got REALLY got into Ena, and i been wondering how about Ena with a girly reader? (Gender of your choice!)

Like someone's very pastel pink, wears frilly stuff and maybe even coquette? I dunno i thought it would be cute since it's kinda of my own aesthetic ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა

(Changing up the formatting a bit lol, my commentary is now a lil further down. Still labeled [a/n] though✨️)

# ENA w/ a Girly!Reader

> [A/N]

Hellooo 🎀 anon! I'm very glad you got into ENA! Trust me, you'll love every second of it lol

Also, don't be sorry about the emojis, I usually conjure them from what people describe for me to write lol. But great idea! Alsoooo I'm very sorry if this is poor Aha ^^

Now onto the thingy

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

> [Details]

(🌙🎭👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨💭) - ENA headcanons + scenario

(reader type) - gender neutral; girly and feminine

(‼️warnings) - none

(quick summary) - Headcanons about ENA dating a very girly Reader.

✦ First things first: lemme just announce that ENA loves your style

✦ She compliments something about your outfit every day... in her own strange way

❝ (Y/N), you are certainly manifesting the looks of a celebrity once again! ❞

✦ She often finds things on her adventures that she believes would suit you! For example, if she ever finds something like a pink bunny novelty, she is gunning in your direction to show you

✦ It took you a while, but you are now one of the only people who don't change her name to say "MENA" or "TENA" or something else

✦ People are surprised but understanding when you say you two are dating, specifically because of how different your aesthetics and vibes are

✦ Despite this, you two have somewhat similar personalities

✦ As in: you both are silly and whimsical and goofy

❝ My beloved! I have kidnapped this wonderful little specimen with consent, and I was wondering if you would like to wrap your eyeballs around it with me! ❞

❝ Oh, ENA! I would be honored! ❞

✦ And then you two stare at an hourglass dog with cool shades for the next hour

✦ You guys like to paint each other's nails (or whatever ENA has that is the equivalent) while telling silly little nonsensical stories

✦ There is barely a time when she is not seen gushing about you, bragging that she has a pretty significant other

✦ If you want, ENA will sometimes match outfits with you! Though, she would admit, it'd be different than what she's used to. But, she'd do anything for you

✦ With that said, fashion shows are not uncommon

✦ Seeing you instantly boosts her mood and sometimes even helps with her episodes

✦ ... Sometimes

✦ ENA has introduced you to all of her friends. They all may not like you, but they definitely like your style

✦ You have soooo many perfumes. 80% of which ENA bought with all of the fatty caddies she had

✦ If you're someone who really doesn't like to get very dirty (considering your outfits are usually full of pink and white), ENA will waste no time in doing all of the filthy work

✦ ENA's way of speaking is what had you head over heels. For her, it was your appealing taste in fashion paired with how friendly you were compared to everyone else she meets

✦ (You were able to look past the fact that she was an ENA)

✦ In fact, that's how you two met

✦ Lemme set the scene...

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Y'know, this is the reason you don't attend cult dances much.

A wicked event, this was. Everyone was dancing as though it was the end of the world, and they had no care about it. Unfortunately, partying so hard can eliminate a person's sense. And everyone here was certainly, and unfortunately, senseless. Messes were everywhere, and you were ready to abandon this place temporarily; you were ready for bed.

You obviously aren't a coward, but you and grime had a rough history, and you'd rather not continue it. Runas forbid you go one day without ending up completely covered in mud and dirt. Why that happens so much, you're not sure. Maybe keeping clean is a pet peeve.

As you were making yourself a clean path, a dual-colored girl walks up to you. It seems as though she just got here as she's not as wasted or entranced by the music as everyone is... Or at least you thought she wasn't. She grins and begins to dance in a rather funny way. "Goodnight! My pal Moony seems to have misplaced me, and these walls are... rather unforgiving," She explains with joy in her voice, contrasting her explanation. "I would be forever grateful if you could help me locate her!"

You just went through an entire rollercoaster of emotions. First relieved at how she was different from the others, then confused as you thought you were wrong, then... intrigued. You didn't know why, but the way this funny woman spoke piqued your interest. Even though she was clearly an ENA, you couldn't help but not be offended by her mere presence. As if to sell you on her natural "charisma", she does a small curtsy and beams at you once more. "Might I say your taste in style is quite edible! I'm sure everyone would love to steal a bite."

Okay, that sold you.

You returned the curtsy and did a comical little spin, showing off your pink skirt and sweater that you had specially picked out for this party. "But of course! I attract even the most obscure foodies." You boasted, now feeling more confident. You stood upright and pointed at her, mimicking her odd, slanted stance. "For an ENA, you sure do lack salt in those bones. Come on, let's go and find your companion!"

Her eyes lit up as she twirled in triumph. She explained what "Moony" looked like to you, and you set out, helping her find her friend. Unlike you, ENA didn't mind getting her hands very dirty and was kind enough to make a clean path for you. How sweet you thought. Maybe she was unlike the rest as you had first thought?

Whatever the case, the night turned out better than you expected. You managed to befriend someone here and got to start a streak of keeping your outfits whatever shade they had started out with. Maybe this party wasn't doomed for extinction after all.

Dream BBQ ENA X a reader who is really trying to keep that they're crushing on her HARD under wraps because this isn't their world and ENA's a polygon. ENA catches on IMMEDIATELY and does everything she can to make it so the reader falls even harder

•☽────✧˖°˖ BATTLE AGAINST A WEIRD OPPONENT ˖°˖✧────☾•

★ Summary: A Compilation of Headcanons Featuring Salesperson Ena Trying To Make You Fall Head Over Heels For Her

★ Character(s): Salesperson Ena (Ena: Dream BBQ)

★ Genre: Headcanons, SFW

★ Warning(s): None - Completely Safe!

★ Image Credits: @JoelG

☆ You were doing so well. Keeping your head down, avoiding eye contact, not reacting to her dual-voice tangents. And then she asked, “Do you dream in polygons now?” You choked on your own breath. Ena stared, curious. “Oh dear,” she said sweetly. “Did I corrupt your sleep schedule already?”

☆ Your resolve: ironclad. Your poker face: flawless. Your downfall: Ena leaning too close and whispering, “You’re looking at me like I’m a business deal you’re scared to make.” You dropped the clipboard. She caught it effortlessly. “That was romantic, wasn’t it?” she asked, pleased with herself. “Let me try again later.”

☆ She notices you flinch every time she switches tones, so she starts doing it more. Salesperson voice: “You’re glowing, like someone about to make an investment in destiny.” Meanie voice: “Gross. Get your feelings off the floor before someone slips.” You develop an entirely new kind of anxiety.

☆ You tried to pull away when she touched your hand. “Oh, my apologies,” she said. “Do humans have protocols for heart palpitations caused by interdimensional coworkers?” You sputtered. She took it as a yes and continued holding your hand anyway. “Good. I am now your official stress test.”

☆ She starts narrating your reactions in real time. “Subject’s cheeks are red. Pulse elevated. Avoiding eye contact. Diagnosis: terminal crush,” she says. Then pauses. “How delightful.” You flee the room. She follows. “Is this a chase scene? Should I tackle you with affection?”

☆ You confessed to Froggy in a whisper that you might maybe have a tiny thing for Ena. The she popped out from behind a pillar. “Hello,” she said. “I have overheard and over-processed everything. Let’s start your treatment plan.” It involved exactly zero distance and too much eye contact.

☆ She starts collecting phrases that make you freeze. “Sweetheart.” “Colleague of my soul.” “Irregular heart rhythm.” Each one is weaponized. “Today’s word is… darling,” she hums, and then watches you combust like a cheap firework. “Excellent. I love data.”

☆ You once said “I don’t have feelings for you” and she replied, flatly, “That’s infaccurate.” No elaboration. Just a long, knowing stare and the sound of your denial unraveling like yarn from a cat’s claws. Later, she handed you a sticky note that said “Try again. I’ll wait.”

☆ You can’t even escape her in your dreams. One night, she showed up floating above a candy-colored skyline and whispered, “You can’t hide from the inevitable.” You woke up screaming. She was waiting by your bed with tea. “I monitor the sleep cycle of all my favorites.”

☆ Eventually, you break. You shout at her, spilling out your true feelings. Ena blinks. Then smiles. “Wonderful,” she says, taking your face in her hands. “I like you too. Your agony was delightful. Now we can move into the next phase of emotional entanglement.” You whimper. She beams. “Progress.”

you're not allowed to be mad at them for annihilating your entire family actually. they're too cute

okay but x was a little messed up for this one

there was originally a rave about how much i love these two and their flaws here but i deleted it because people reading what i have to say scares me

May I say something?

¿Puedo decir algo?

I need a fanfic with these two and just these two/j [you choose!]

Necesito un fanfic con estos dos y sólo estos dos/j [¡tú eliges!]

Okay, it will be a little angsty

X layied on theyr bed as the rain fell furiously into the ground

There was awfull lightning and tunders, the sky was furious like no other day

It has been a rougth week for x

Too much work, dumb shapes and numbers beeing mean to X for not knowing his value and the worst of all, theyr crush, 4, has been talking back abaut X

"Oh well" said X "i guess... im... worstless! Hahaha!"

X just rolled into theyr sheets as the rain fell furiously

Afrher a while of ugly crying, X decided that they wanted to go to the kitchen for whater, as he entered the kitchen he heard a knok on the door

"Huh?" X looked at the window "who could it be in this ugly rain?"

It was 4, with complelty damaged Flowers on hand, waving at X

X hesitated a little bit, but he opened the door for 4

4 entered the house, weting the floor, he apologised for that and ofered the flowers to X

"Thanks... but what are you doing here 4?"

"I came here to apologise... i haven’t been clear abaut my feelings towards you..."

"Oh... your feelings towards me" X crosed theyr arms "if i remember correctly, you were talking awfull things abaut me! My stupid quirks my, stupid yellow colour, and my voice! You were tired of them!"

"Because i can't get enougth of it...."

X face were a little bit of suprice, but they didn’t let his softh words softhen them

"You heard me wrong... i don’t dislike you, on the countrary! I love you..."

X eyes widened, but He was not sure to belive 4 or not...

"Its okay if you don’t feel the same way- ACHOOO!!!" 4 just caugth a cold

"Oh dear... come inside, get a towel and warm yourself"

Afther getting a towel and warming himself 4 sat in the couch... looking at X

X looked at the floowers, they were damaged, but they were pretty

4 tried to grab X's hand, but X took it of

"Im... sorry X..." 4 looked down "i want to... i... im just an idiot i shuldn’t have said that withaut expalining myself properly..."

X looked at 4

"I still want to... be with you... so... may i... be your parner?"

X though for a minute

"How much do you think i value...?"

4 was shoked at that question

"I don’t know... but... i know how much you matter for me... how much do you worth... for me..." 4 twirled his fingers

X let a few tears roll out of his face

"Thank you 4..." X wiped theyr tears "i really needed it..."

4 went to X's side and kiss them on the cheek

X looked at 4 with a surprice

4 kissed X again, this time, on the mounth

Thw rain keept falling... but this time, a littñe bit more calmly

4 and X cuddleled in the sofá huging heach other and giving kisses to each other in time to time

"I love you X... you weird little thing"

"I love you too 4... thanks for the flowers..."

"ACHOOO!!-"

"Are you okay 4- ACHOOO!!-"

"...im sorry X"

Heya gutzy! Thanks for the request! I don’t usually take request but whatever

I hope you liked it! Im sorry if the personalities doesn’t fit... i don’t know the characters, sorry!

Welp have a nice day

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

found these from a bit ago