Digital Diary - Blog Posts

☆ 18/06/24

i learnt a lot today ? not academically but i strengthened relationships and sorted out my feelings today ! love has been very strong in the air as of recent, especially today. me and a friend made daisy chains whilst talking about relations of love and loss. on a related note think i like him...

☆ 17/06/24

it was eid today ♡ i had a lot of good yummy food and my family came over too, my sister made carrot cake and it tasted good. my nephews are coming over tommorow,,

☆ 15/06/24

i got a lot of people who love me today,, and to realise that through a tiktok post is kinda insane but here we are~ my friend made a plan to get me close to one of her friends so i can get with him, im enjoying that mission

☆ 14/06/24

i think ive found a new found interest in someone today,, i bought falafel with my friends it was super yummy~ the squirrel stopped and looked at me and then posed when i pulled out my phone lol

02/05/24 ♡

its finally may ! also exam season.. today was really nice i managed to go to a bookstore today and buy a book for myself and then i went into school to meet my friend after and it was really nice i love walking a lot, this duck followed me + i got oreo boba with extra oreo 🤤

30/04/24 ♡

im gonna keep my entries short now~ today was very chill i have a horrible sore throat and it really sucks to have but i enjoyed good fruit ! ive been living in my head today,, my mind is far better than anything else rn 😭

what ive been listening to:

01/04/24 ☆○°•》♡

it is 4 am !

what ive been listening to recently:

its now the last few days of ramadan lets go i've loved making springrolls everyday without fail 😝

these days have been so ?? ever since my last post i got pulled into the attendance office at school and they were so stern and stubborn about me being in on time and the lady went as far as calling me stupid and jobless 😬

but now that the easter break has come by things seem so nice and quiet and i baked for the first time in a while !! it was so nice my brownies came out so well look at how scrumptious they look,,

on top of my amazing brownies which i might drop the recipe to soon, i also have been speaking to my friends so much more !! im closer with a few people now and healed from people who have hurt me i feel loved and i fuck w it !!

also working on self concept and my spiritual aspect has worked so well i've been keeping my thoughts on a leash and i feel like im in a studio ghibli film on a train and the wind is hitting my face slowly yk?

if i told this to me last november she wouldve sobbed so hard, im glad im doing better yay

09/03/24 ☆☆☆

well damn its been a while.

what im listening to rn!:

the last time i updated was on the 16th last month!? thats like 3 weeks my bad

but now its odd cause i have nothing to say

it's safe to say that these last 3 weeks have been spent on self improvement on my inner self but honestly i need to be focusing on my academics 😭 i have A LOT of coursework to do its insane but ima be real and say i do not care i cannot lie

i'm generally feeling happier !! ♡ its nice feeling somewhat better than this month last year,, i've been feeling fulfilled

but that also means i am near 1 full year of being s/h clean ‼️ (pls cheer)

me and my brother stepped out for a little while yesterday :

i will be updating a lot more 💀 i will actually keep up on it too 😝

\♡3♡/ 16/02/24

i havent updated in a while !! but things are really starting to go my way and im grateful each step of the way~

what ive had on repeat recently :3 :

on saturday me and all my friends did a galentines party and it was so cute and fun and i really enjoyed it !! the cake was yummy (we wrote most boys suck on it) and we all had sm fun

(me in the back with my massive pink sweater and phone 😭😭)

and everyday since then ive just had a really nice fulfillment in my heart ive been working on my self concept too and even manifested a few things~ being grateful for a lot of things really is the answer i cannot believe how far gratitude has gotten me

ive also been working on being more spiritual ever since ive learnt about perception and its influence on the human mind and its been really peaceful so far,,

ive gone ahead and downloaded a bunch of games off of my cousin which resulted in me doing this the whole of yesterday :

i do plan on playing more and the rest of the franchise ofc 😁

thats ab it,, i wanna update weekly instead of everyday now i think its more doable for me

anyway i wish you resiliance, abundance, love and joy ♡♡

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 11/02/24

express gratitude always ♡

today i've had this song on repeat for the entire day i cannot lie, it's brought me so much peace i love it so much. i've also been thinking about how much love and light is around me and how much importance is around me i cannot physically put into words how it makes me feel as of recent.

i was also thinking, is it possible to grieve the present? or is there another word for what im feeling, it's like i am hyper aware all that is happening in front of me and how much energy and molecules of matter exist in front of me and how i have the pleasure to be awake and breathing so much so that it makes me want to cry for hours on end.. the fact that my soul and body got a chance to co-exist in one reality? .. it seems almost dystopian even though its just life. i dont want anyone to dull this spark of gratitude that ive been feeling. its so euphoric, like genuine self love i suppose? i feel it in me in waves. i'm guessing its good energy.

i drank a lot of tea today, started a new lego piece and watched one of my fave kdramas. how i wish i could live a simple life like this after the school holiday period.

wait why would i wish when i can just believe

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 08/02/24

all is not lost and grief is needed in order to heal.

ive been trying to make myself all put together and healed up when i havent even done the first step yet which is grieving, ive been putting it off for so long but the reality is that healing does not come without intense emotional releases and i had no idea that i was damaging myself by not allowing myself to process it all, now that i did that today it is very much tiring but its so much more better than staying in an anxious and low state all the time. all is well !! and i believe i will get better and love myself more each and everyday

its really hard to admit that i let someone treat me like i was less than and believed it but also the fact that i saw myself as less deserving, i dont want to be hateful at my past self so all i can do is love and let go no matter how long it takes to do so,, i'll def be sleeping with a clear mind and come to the acceptance of that pain

but i also finished my kuromi lego set today !! look it >

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 07/02/24

today i can safely say im grateful for everything and everyone that has come my way ♡ i was speaking to my friends a whole lot more today and felt the love all around, i love them so much !! i also worked up the courage to go to lesson today which is something i dont do often, my tiredness and anxiety gets the best of me but im glad i went today, it made me realise that maybe i do enjoy the things that i do, i cant wait for many more blessings to come my way, in fact havent they already? i'm def working on putting a diary entry up everyday 😭 ive got this !

however i know my days arent always sunshine and rainbows, i struggled a lot with unwanted thoughts today.. detachment does not come easy right now but i know it will be easy tommorow. let go and let god is something i now live by.

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 2/2/24

todays been all about challenging emotions, not cause i wanted it to be but instead it has just come to the point where its making me feel a little crazy,, all of this pent up emotion has me looking at myself in the mirror different.

but i know i cant move forward without expressing all of this emotion, yet i keep on catching myself being so worried about other peoples expectations even when they arent even in my life anymore, not just that but also the way i look to other people. i dont want to be like that anymore its draining and irritating and ive been quite irritated today :( it takes patience to make everything fall into order and accept but i wish it was just like night and day, is this a form of karma or punishment? im not sure..

im trying to be kinder to myself and as long as im trying i know there will be an outcome.

but on the positive side i got bubble tea today with my best friend :)

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 31/01/24

i completely forgot to update yesterday,,

i had the worst period cramps ever they hurt so bad and i puked 5 times, truly awful

today just consisted of rest and relaxation but also healing, im aware im not making as much progress as i can be however i like these small steps and im really starting to feel at peace even if im not the happiest on most days

i finally get that healing isn't about keeping peace at all costs but instead going through emotions and processing them and turning back to peace, choosing love over fear always ♡♡

i finally got to play persona 5 royal today, i'd been putting it off cause of my mood but im so glad i did today it really turned my head back on what i usually enjoy,, i cant wait for friday cause thats when persona 3 reload comes out !! i've heard the ost leak for colour the night and i'm absolutely loving it !!

i'll prioritise good time and good friends cause im a good person too, i was speaking to a close friend of mine and he told me that i should only surround myself with people who make me soft and bring out the sweetness in me instead of bitter and cold and that genuinely resonated with me cause i always seem to be putting a mask on infront of people and even some of my friends cause i feel as if i shouldn't let my guard down.

ive been putting my mind onto the music i want to listen to more these days and my mind always goes back to jhene aiko and umi, i love them both and their music always gets me feeling soft and spiritual, i strive to be like that too.. but anyway i wont forget to update tommorow !!

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 29/01/24

dear diary,

fear is such a weird thing? why do i care about what other people are doing and if i see them or if they perceive me,, i really shouldn't be having such limiting thoughts, i want to conquer all my social fears this week, i'm going to make it my goal.

today was very all over the place but i think it fell in place beautifully? even if it's not what i wanted. i think these days theres just comfort thinking in the air, as in how my clothes feel against my body or how the wind flows outside, the sound of the train station every morning, the squelchy noise my boots make every time i step on the pavement.. like that, is there a word for that? is it mindful thinking? i also want to focus on the present a lot this week.

my train ticket ended up declining this morning and for a moment it felt so humiliating but i then realised that it wasn't, i just had to put more money into my account and just move on, i now want to live like that. if it doesn't serve me i just move on with it.

i had mentoring today and it was so freeing to finally be able to discuss with a teacher why i struggle in certain lessons and how i can combat them,, now i just have to actual put that in practice

i also finally submitted a poetry piece into a college comp and im pretty proud of the piece ♡ i hope i have a chance of winning it but i also know that if i believe in myself i'll get the outcome that is most ideal

today was slightly anxiety inducing but mainly due to my own fears and self esteem, gives me something to work on~ i hope tommorow is a better day for myself.

its only 10am and today is already off to a bad start,, hopefully it gets better.. well let me trust in positivity ♡

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 28/01/24

dear diary,

okay, first diary entry here

today has been somewhat.. odd? i'm focusing on myself more than ever right now but it still feels as if i'm stuck at phase 1,, i dont like the feeling of being stuck but i know that in reality ive made a lot of progress ?? i guess i just have to keep on telling myself that i have moved forward. i think taking care of myself after an awful breakup is the best thing ive ever done, that person made me realise that i have a whole lot of healing to do but of course i dont like or resonate myself with the way they said it or how they treated me through out the time we were together, however dwelling on that thought and how they hurt me just isn't healthy at all, so i have nothing to do but accept the outcome as it is and work on myself that.

is it odd that i dont class it as a relationship? it's been months. it was hardly what lovers would do and in my mind what i would do or would want to do as a lover. i move on with the seasons so it isn't any of my concern anymore. i can't waste my energy on things that do not serve me, i am a being of light and should be treated as such.

i just want to love myself whole and stay in peace and solace, i need this right now ! all the focus is on me ♡ i'm now looking forward to new begginings, i know they'll serve me greatly

one of my friends sent me a few tiktok videos talking sbout how thankful she was to have me in her life and i think thats so beautiful, shes amazing and i love her too !! shes been nothing but amazing to me, i'll be sure to pay her back tenfold.

i've been getting a lot of loving messages from people around me these days and honestly it makes me feel so valued, i take it to heart a lot more than i used to you know? one of them also said they'd let smoke with them next time they got some more bud and i honestly think thats so nice

both me and my bestfriend are single and we've both felt more gratitude and gratefulness with each other more now than ever and we made this whole little plan for places to visit and i love it so much, shes taking me to a japanese restraunt on valentines ♡ i can't wait, shes truly my soulmate.

i guess im torn between searching for new love or loving myself. i think the best thing to do is to love myself until the person that fits my worth comes by.

i have a lot of assignments to catch up on but im not too stressed about them right now,, i know i'll be able to get the work done. as of right now i stay unbothered and want to stay unbothered for a long time lol, i stay vulnerable and small within my own circle.

every time i have an idea i write it down on tumblr like its my note app. next post is about to be my grocery shopping list

I did it! I start my antidepressant today but I’m so nervous/not excited for side effects lol

I am cautiously optimistic that things will go well and I will feel better.

So far the thought of taking them is all hypothetical. Like I can’t imagine how it would feel to feel anything but what I always have.

Wish me luck!

second to last marching season starts on Tuesday (not officially ofc, just pre spring training) and i feel so old☹️☹️ feels like i was just an icky freshie and now im about to be a junior.

also have my final eoc on Thursday and i don't have to take it anymore after this year. so ready to be done i am TIREDDD. anyway im gonna see about trying out for rifle bc i got bored of flag. really wish i could tryout for saber but my coach is insane and absolutely will not let me do that

may 27, 2025

his smile is so perfect. crooked and smug, but perfect for him.

may 26, 2025

i’ve sworn for years we’re connected. because every time you come i can sense it. see it in the dark, hear it a million miles away. not only love swirls between us; raw want drags us back together over and over again.

may 25, 2025

i yearn for destruction of myself.

may 24, 2025

i have nothing to say anymore.

may 23, 2025

i can see you falling away from the man i know.

may 22, 2025

desire is such an ugly thing. pure want disguised in wandering fingertips, fingers laced in hair, and glazed over eyes.

may 21, 2025

i would rather bite off my own fingers, rip all my tendons, or claw out my insides than stay here in the prison you’ve forced me to.

may 20, 2025

if i watch you build a life with another woman, i will blind myself.

may 19, 2025

i smell the rain and all of a sudden i’m back with you in the city. the city where even with sirens, thousands of people, and too little square footage, we made a life.

may 18, 2025

i can feel it in the way your lips meet mine. your love for me is waning.