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Digital Diary - Blog Posts
05/25/25
camera broke :( will get a new one. at least i got to sit on a boulder surrounded by the ocean and watch the waves ❤︎
late night diary pages :3 spilling my guts out in here makes me feel more sane than i really am . i cringe at these most of the time bcs theyree sooo old but im learning to not be ashamed of them ( and also no one knows me here :3)
Diary Entry #24: I am losing my mind send help :)))
Reading Becoming A Visible Man by Jamison Green. It's a fucking awesome book, I recommend any trans person read it (especially transmascs and trans men). I use Hoopla to read books free and without my grandparents finding out about it. (You use your library card.)
Tw dysphoria/mild anatomy terms? below cut
But besides that my day was awful, solely due to dysphoria. I had to stop singing to myself at work because I got too dysphoric about my voice (usually with my voice I pretend that it's coming from somewhere else other than myself, but something made me be unable to pretend for a second and I freaked out), kept having to adjust my bra because it doesn't fit right (making me aware that I have breasts, sometimes I forget), and I kept on seeing men that were enviable, gender-wise, which reminds me that I'm stuck in this body I don't want.
I might call the Trans Lifeline tonight because I'm freaking out about the legislation being put in place, and I haven't been using good coping mechanisms so I'm not having a great time.
It feels like everyday the dysphoria gets worse and I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like a man already, but it's hard to do so.
Diary entry #13
I'm in a better mood so no cw today! This is mostly just a collection of random thoughts
Sometimes I look at all these people saying trans people are evil or whatever and I don't get it?? Like I don't really understand why people think that. Like grandmother I'm not going to hurt anyone I am literally just some guy.
You ever see some random motherfucker from the most weird series and decide "that man is my new gender envy source and also I want him." That's me, I fall into this trap literally every time I go into a new series/game or whatever. And it is always the weirdest ones too.
I watched a video on pvz lore, and now I'm like "goddammit I GUESS i'll read the comics now." Like they seem interesting and I need more lore so I'll get around to reading them... sometime. There's just so many issues and I procrastinate on even stuff I want to do.
I talked to my grandma about going to college in Illinois and she didn't like shut it down immediately so I'm hoping for the best.
I guess that's it?
Diary Entry #9
Tw internalized fatphobia ig, ed, dysphoria (but this is not an ed blog I'm just talking about this one time) diary entry under the cut
I can't stop binge eating, like it's actually a problem. I've been binge eating for at least 4 years, I hate it. I've tried everything to get rid of it. I'm in a terrible predicament where if I don't starve myself in the day then I will gain weight. I've had at least 3 ed accounts across different platforms, one of them is still floating out there somewhere. It was always awful and I feel bad looking back, I wasn't one of those accounts who were actively fatphobic because I'm not completely awful, but it probably wasn't great for my mental health.
But I think I've realized something. I wouldn't mind being fat if I looked like a guy, or at least I wouldn't mind it nearly as much. Whenever I starved myself, half the reason was to get rid of my boobs, I just hate(d) them so much. I always got caught starving, and I would always get yelled at.
There was no point to it. I would always get caught. But I wanted just a little bit of control over my life. Whenever I move out, I'll have control over my life. I won't have to be sneaky, I won't have to hide stuff. Life won't be perfect, but I won't have to hide who I am.
I hate my life as it is. I shouldn't really, as a lot of others have it much, much worse. But I can't help it. I'm living a lie, I'm not a girl and I don't want to pretend any longer. But I have no choice until I move out. Not everyone is so lucky with the ability to move out.
Sorry this entry was dark, I don't know what else to talk about.
Tw family stuff, dysphoria, sui ig
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Diary entry #6
My mood switched up so fast it's not even funny. Like 1 1/2 hours ago I was perfectly fine but now my grandma yelled at my sister and now I am doing awful. The funny part? I don't even 100% know what they were arguing about or even if they did argue for as long as I think they did, because I was listening to Dance Of Life by Maretu for as long as I could to avoid it.
She snapped at me too, even though it wasn't that bad it won't stop replaying in my head. She acts just like one of those bitchy high school girls, eye rolling and all and it fucking pisses me off. I should be grateful but I'm not because they (my grandpa and grandma) refuse to let me on T or- god forbid- even cut my hair. I can't even dress somewhat masculine because I look like a (d slur). Like 98% of the time they're okay to good, but those 2% moments make me wish I weren't alive.
I just want to be out of the house already. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I can't live like this. I just can't. I don't like how I look and my body repulses me because it's not right and I can't do a damn thing about it.
I need to calm down but I don't know how.
Diary entry #5
You ever so obsessed with a fandom or character that you look at people/things irl and think "hey that looks a lot like [character]!!)
That's the phase of hyperfixation I'm knee deep rn. Plants Vs Zombies hardly has any backstory! We don't know major details about most characters! It's literally a tower defense game that Popcap is actually destroying but I can't help it!! I lose myself in fictional stories, I can't stop thinking about them. If the pvz franchise drops a lore book I'm gonna eat that shit up!!
Also I wanted to read American Teenager, the new book about multiple trans teens in America. I read something similar and I liked it quite a lot even though it was outdated. It's not on Libby yet, and I'm not really supposed to read about trans issues anyways because my grandparents will ask way too many questions. (And I'll probably accidentally out myself.) I might sneak buy it with the christmas gifts I get on amazon this christmas. If any of you have a (legal) way to read it, that'd be great!! I want to support the author.
Diary entry #4
I had a terrible day at work. My vacuum was broken (I'm a houseman at a hotel) but nobody is allowing me to get a new one or switch out the cord or whatever. It's a cord style where you can switch it out and all I need is a new cord and it fucking frustrated me to no end. I'm just gonna buy myself a new cord because I'm not arguing for my ability to get my job done.
Also fun fact about the "houseman" role. It's basically cleaning hotels in the areas where people don't sleep, everywhere besides the rooms. But anyways I said to a random guy on the elevator that I was a houseman and he said I looked more like a housewoman to him (OOF) but something about different identities and stuff. It made me freeze up. If my work counselor wasn't right there I may have said something about, hey, you were right the first time! But my work counselor was there so he'd probably snitch to my (grand)parents, I didn't chance it.
I want to tell people that I'm a guy actually but I'm so afraid of being caught. Can't wait till I get tf out of here (my grandparents house)
Diary entry #2
I want to make some pvz butcher vanity fanart SO BAD but for some reason I keep putting it off. I saw this post about not being able to put your blorbos in situations can be depression and like. yeah that's true.
Butcher Vanity is an amazing song btw
Probably gonna make some MAMA chicken ramen soon
I have underlying dysphoria that just seems to get worse every day. I look at men irl and online that are cool looking and I get so jealous it makes me angry. I'm still stuck in this shell I can hardly recognize, something that can be fixed or made better but I'm not allowed. I can't even cut my hair short for christ's sake.
Started Gravity Falls last night, gonna try to watch an episode a day; for some reason I have problems watching shows/playing videogames even if they're really good. When I was a little kid I didn't have that issue.
Diary entry #1 :)
I had a dream where I went through the timeline of my voice on T. Not on T yet, the dream made me so happy and I was so goddamn sad when I woke up. Also it had something to do with furbies, that's all I remember.
Sometimes I watch Jamie's (Jammidodger's) vid on his transition timeline and it makes me want to weep. I've basically had almost 4 years of my life stolen from me bc my grandparents are very unsupportive and I'm nearly to the finish line (getting T and getting my apartment) but it feels like I keep tripping on the track. I could've been nearly 4 years on T if my grandparents just fucking listened to me when I started questioning. Instead of thinking I'm a stupid "girl" who can't think for "herself".
But on a brighter note I'm learning how to drive and also have a job now. Like I said, close to the finish line. I kept on dissociating or something at my job, like my body is technically there vacuuming but I'm somewhere else entirely. Just feels like I'm wearing a suit that doesn't fit how I actually look, and my brain is really, really freaked out by it.
i swear to god if i don't get this adhd diagnosis within the next few months i will lose it more than i already have i literally feel useless "why do you always forget things" shut up or i'll kill you
i made a little trinket box years ago and slowly i've been adding small treasures and gifts into it, its been a good few years now and the box can't close anymore.. i wish to have a big box full of things through age ♡
☆28/09/24☆
chat 🧍🏻♀️ i literally want to be a lone wolf like i do not want to be social at all and i wasn't today at all, and so now i can't wait for another spiritual awakening !! new friend is lowkey kinda self centered ab everything so im not even gonna try with that connection but i also think i just really really need some me time
i dont like jk rowling cause shes racist why are we acting like shes not, woc just sit in different seats all the damn time
27/12/24 ☆
i came home at 8pm today, the world is so loud and i like keeping quiet. i want to curl up an become a glowing orb
a new friend is already draining me i feel like i have to mask
i met 2 close friends today over hot chocolate and i love them both + physics assignment set :[
°•☆ 14/08/24 ☆•°
im back !! its been a while, me and the girls around me have been through hell and back this past month and i will not show any mercy for those who beg. right now im still healing and learning how to love me better, and spend more time with rhose who i love, especially today. godspeed ♡
☆ 23/06/24
my nephews left :( sad about it :(( no joke all i had was falafel today i swear i ate the entire box, today was very slow
☆ 22/06/24
a late update! ive been hanging out with my nephews far too much im so knackered but i love them both so much, finally logged into the ps4 yesterday its been so long i cant wait to play bioshock again
☆ 21/06/24
today was batshit crazy i greened out for the first time, on a blunt with friends n i thought i wasn't in control of my body and tried to break out of it which only made me trip hard and then puke a bunch but then i had the nicest high ever after that ! and also half a tub of icecream ♡ literally no school lessons today all i did was get high
☆ 20/06/24
the sunrise was pretty today :3 sorry i couldnt update yesterday, me and my siblings were out all night we went to a hiking trail at 12am and went to a field at 3am napped there for a bit all the way up until sunrise. today was slow but nevertheless peaceful