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Jared, to Evan: If Karma doesn't hit you, then I fucking will.
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Alana: If you got arrested.. what would be the charges?
Jared: Theft.
Evan: Disturbing the peace?
Zoe: Aggravated assault.
Miguel: Arson.
Connor: All of the above. In that order, probably.
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Evan: So, did everyone learn their lesson?
Zoe: No.
Miguel: I did not
Connor: I think I may have actually forgotten one-
Jared: Also no.
Evan: Oh good, neither did I.
Alana: *Exhausted sigh*
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Jared: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.
Alana: You hang out with Evan, Zoe, Connor, and Miguel.
Alana: It's not as high a compliment as you think.
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Connor: The floor is lava!
Alana: *Helps Zoe onto the counter*
Miguel: *Kicks Evan off of the sofa*
Jared: *Lays on the floor*
Evan: Are you.. are you okay-?
Jared: No.
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Evan: Fine! Judge all you want, but-
Evan, pointing to Zoe, then to himself: Dated a gay person!
Evan, pointing to Jared: Left a man at the altar!
Evan, pointing to Alana: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer!
Evan, pointing to Connor: Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire!
Evan, pointing at Miguel: And you live in a box!
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Jared: Evs is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?
Connor: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.
Zoe: Tackle him!
Miguel: Dump him-
Evan: NO TO ALL OF THOSE! JUST ASK ME TO BEND DOWN!
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*Squad's reaction to being told that their 'the chosen one'*
Alana: I will not let you down.
Zoe: Sounds fun.
Connor: K.
Jared: No, I'm fucking not.
Miguel: Do I HAVE to?...
Evan: Please God, I am so tired.
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Evan: Is the slap mark still visible?
Connor: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.
Zoe: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.
Alana: Gonna be honest... A palm reader could tell the person who did that's future just by looking at your face.
Jared: The phrase 'talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you because the hand IS your face.
Evan:
Evan: Y'know, the word 'yes', isn't hard to say. At all.
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Zoe: DUMBEST SCAR STORIES, GO!
Alana: I.. burned my tongue once drinking tea :(
Connor: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.
Evan: I have a piece of graphite in my leg from the first grade when I accidentally stabbed myself with a pencil.
Miguel: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave, and it spilled on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Jared:
Jared: All my scars are emotional. Mostly because I'm not an idiot.
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Evan: I am not at all proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarette.
Alana: But Evan, we don't smoke. And Connor hasn't for like, two months. Neither has Miguel.
Evan: Cut the crap... I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.
Evan: *Points at Connor* One, *Points at Miguel* two, *Points at Jared* three, *points at Zoe* four, *Points at Alana* five.
Evan: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarette in my hand.
Jared: *Sighs*
Jared: *Puts a cigarrette in Evan's hand*
Evan: Thank you. ...Light?
*All simultaneously pull out lighters*
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Alana: Christmas lights?
Evan: Check.
Alana: Thermos of hot cocoa?
Evan: Check.
Alana: Santa suits?
Evan: Check.
Alana: Shovel?
Evan: Check.
Jared: Alibi and bail money?
Evan: Chec-- wAIT WHAT?!
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Evan: Jared kissed me!
Alana: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Evan: It was just- so- unbelievable!
Alana: AAA! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOSH!
Zoe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Alana, get the wine and unplug the phone. Evan, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Evan: Oh no, it ended very well.
Alana: Do. Not. Start. Without. Me!
Zoe: Alright, now let's hear about that kiss. Was it like, a soft brush up against your lips or was it a, you know.. "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?
Evan: Well, at first it was really intense, y'know? And then.. Oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Zoe: Ohhh... so was he holding you? Or was his hands on your back?
Evan: First they started on my waist in then they slid up and were in my hair.
Alana: Awhh!
Zoe: Ooo~
*Meanwhile*
Jared, eating pizza with Connor at his house: So then we like, kissed. I guess.
Connor: Tongue?
Jared: Yeah.
Connor: Cool.
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Evan: Stressed.
Jared: Depressed.
Connor: Possessed.
Zoe: Obsessed.
Miguel: Impressed.
Alana: Chicken breasts-
Zoe: What the fuck?
Alana: Sorry, I know, I just wanted to join in.
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Zoe: You know, when Evan comes over.. Connor can get a little bit...
Jared: Psycho?
Alana: Scary?
Miguel: Drunk?
Zoe: All three.
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Zoe: Out of Connor, Evan, Jared, me and Miguel, if you had to, who would you punch?
Alana: None of you! Your my friends and I wouldn't punch any of you!
Jared: It would be Evan, wouldn't it?
Alana: ...Okay yes, but I don't know why.
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Jared: Is it just me or is instant ramen better uncooked?
Evan: It's just you.
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Connor: You spent all your money on THIS?!
Miguel, putting tiny raincoats on baby ducks: They live outside. They need this.
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Connor: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed on the souls of the living, I strike fear into-
Zoe: You sleep with a teddybear.
Connor: hE IS THE SECOND IN COMMAND OF MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!
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Jared: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants so much more advanced than us.
Evan: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:
Evan: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."
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Jared: Kill me nowwwwwwWWWWWWW
Evan: No can do. I need you for help with my homework.
*Insert Jared glaring at him*
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Evan: N.. No!
Jared: A fair rebuttal. However, consider the counterpart:
Jared: Y...yes?????
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Connor: Are you tall enough to play basketball, though?
Jared: Are you calling me short?
Connor: I'm calling you vertically challenged.
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Evan: Tomorrow's garbage day.
Jared: I can't believe they made an entire day just dedicated to you.
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Alana: Hey, aren't you Connor Murphy?
Connor: Are you a cop?
Alana: N..no?
Connor: Then yes.
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Miguel: Life could be worse, Connor.
Connor: Yeah, life could be a lot better too!
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Jared: Ah, ready for another fantastic day of being better than Evan.
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Evan: Are you a masochist or a sadist?
Jared, deadpanning: I'm a Taurus.