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Evan: Fight me!
Jared, behind him, holding a knife: *Mouths* Do not.
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Connor: I desire moisture.
Zoe: Just say 'I want water' like a normal human being.
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Connor, to Jared: Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you can turn on is the microwave.
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Evan: What goes up but never comes down?
Jared: The amount of stress you bring me daily.
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Miguel: How would you like your coffee?
Connor: As dark, and as bitter as my soul.
Miguel: Got it, one cup of milk with extra sugar coming right up!
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Connor: I could kill you if I wanted.
Jared: Oh yeah? So could any other human being.
Jared: So could a dog.
Jared: So could a dedicated duck.
Connor:
Jared: Your not special.
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Jared: How the hell are you still alive?
Evan: Honestly, I am just as confused as you are.
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Jared: *Pulls back the curtain while Evan is showering*
Jared: Did we-- Evan, stop screaming, it's just me. --Did we run out of cheerios?
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Larry: So what are your political beliefs?
Heidi, trying to sound like she knows what she's doing: Well, I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun.
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Connor: Stop failing!
Evan: Don't tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!
Evan: *Succeeds*
Evan: Dang it!
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Evan: I am a responsible adult!
Jared: *Raises brow*
Evan: I am an adult.
Jared: That's much more accurate.
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Connor: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.
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Jared, trying to impress Evan: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities, but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.
Zoe: He turned it off, and then turned it back on again.
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Evan: So, Jared is no longer aloud to take the trash out at night.
Alana: Why?
Evan: Because I've caught him trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.
Jared, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.
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Zoe: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.
Connor: Well, that's just your personal opinion. I don't have anger issues. Do you guys think that I have anger issues?
Jared: Well, you see, I wouldn't call them 'issues'.
Jared: Issues are something you can fix.
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Evan: My dad's name is just mine as well, so technically I'm just Mark Jr.
Jared: But who comes up when you look up 'Mark Evan Hansen' on google?
Alana: That's what I thought!
Jared: One Mark to rule them all!
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Jared: Hello, it is I, your favorite person.
Evan: Oh actually, Zoe's my favorite person.
Jared, annoyed but holding it in: Okay, then.
Jared: It is I,
Jared: That bitch.
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Alana: What's it like being tall?
Zoe: Is it nice?
Miguel: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Evan: We live in constant fear of the short ones, who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table, and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Jared: It was ONE time!
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Alana, who just won Evan at armwrestling: I am strong! I beat Evan at armwrestling!
Connor, who has beaten Evan at armwrestling at least 7 separate times: Anyone can beat Evan at armwrestling.
Evan, who really just lets everyone win at armwrestling to be nice: Hey-
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Miguel: Connor's gonna kill me.
Zoe: No, he'll probably just make me do it.
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Evan: We can't tell you because your not a member of the club!
Jared: What club?
Connor: The Hating Jared Kleinman Club.
Jared: What the fuck? I should be the president of that club!
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Alana: The clock is ticking! We don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery!
Jared: The unmitigated poppycock?
Zoe: Extravagant hogwash!
Evan: Okay, stop.
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Evan: How do you tell someone that you want to have sex with them in a polite way?
Connor: Excuse me Mr, would you give me the honour of indulging in sexual activity with you?
Jared: What the fuck is wrong with you two?
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Jared: *Speaking Spanish*
Evan: I know, I know.
Alana: You speak Spanish?
Evan: No. I just know the phrase 'this is all your fault' in every language Jared speaks.
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Zoe: The ritual. To perform it requires a sacrifice.
Connor: Sacrifice? I nominate Jared.
Jared: Wait, what?
Connor: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.
Jared: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!
Evan: It's not that kind of of sacrifice guys!
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Zoe: Connor won't wake up, what do I do?!
Jared: Did you try kicking him??
Zoe: Yes!
Jared: Then I'm out of ideas.
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Evan: I asked Zoe out.
Jared: Oh, I'm sorry.
Evan: Why?
Jared: I just assumed she said no.
Evan: No actually, she said yes.
Jared: Oh.
Jared: Then I'm sorry for her.
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Evan: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.
Alana: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.
Jared: Fuck you.
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Jared: Zoe, I know you love Evan. I mean, we all do, he's a very nice person and I totally respect him deep down.
Jared: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.
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Zoe: How high are you?
Connor: Hm, I don't know how to say it in feet.
Evan: No, she's asking you about what drugs your on.
Connor: Oh, antidepressants, why?
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Evan: Connor gave me a Get Well Soon card.
Alana: Awhh, that's nice of him.
Evan: I wasn't sick, he just thought that I could do better.
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Evan: Hey Jared, Connor just broke my seashell lamp,
Jared: Neat, I'm gonna die alone.
Evan:
Evan: Okay, you win.
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[During the 'Evan using everyone and being a fucking asshole' segment]
Alana: You really believe in Evan?
Jared, annoyed: Luckily, he believes in himself enough for both of us.
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Heidi: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Evan. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Evan!
Jared: Nope.
Heidi: In that case, as the archbishop of Jared's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Evan right on the lips!!!
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Connor: Go. Let it out. Cry, Evan. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry.
Alana: Just when we thought it was safe to add you back into the conversation.