But There Was Just Too Much Going On In The Chest Area Already - Blog Posts

The Brutalizer

I was in a really, really bad spot a few weeks ago. I found myself sitting in the bath, crying my eyes out, when my friend messaged me.

On a crazy whim I asked her if she wanted to video chat, and that’s exactly what we did (with me doing my damnedest to keep the camera above neck-level).

She was having a pretty bad time of things too; and it was really good that we were able to talk and be there for one another.

To cheer me up, my friend then shared with me a recent experience: during a visit to a sex shop, she encountered an object for sale of both prodigious length and alarming girth. The name of this objet d’art - alarmingly - is The Brutalizer.

I would like to stress at this point that the two of us are super sex-positive. (You do you! If it isn’t harming anyone, why should we care?)

However, there was a fundamental absurdity to this particular item that kept us giggling: it’s gargantuan proportions (intimidating for all but the highly experienced); it’s bizarre marketing (including emphasis on the weight of the product); and perhaps best of all, a glowing appraisal from a professional online reviewer (hidden, like some kind of butt-stuffing landmine, in an otherwise tranquil field of gardening product and Bakugan reviews).

The store had three of these things on display! (Presumably to combat a rush of customers?)

There was much-needed laughter.

During this episode, I made the offhand comment that between the name of the product and the ultra-macho slogans adorning its packaging, I could very much envisage an ‘80s buddy cop show where this inanimate, intimate object plays the role of the maverick detective.

...And that engaged my dark muse. Despite the inherent ridiculousness, I then went on to paint this monstrosity:

(Actual Brutalizer censored because it’s Tumblr; but you know, use your imagination.)

My daughter described this, with utmost aptness, as a ‘physical shitpost’.

The painting is currently moving through the transit network of the US postal service as I type; winging its way to my utterly unaware friend. I very much look forward to seeing her reaction when she realizes that I have immortalized our in-joke in a format that can never, ever be displayed before polite company!

Lessons learned:

Planning typography is laborious, but so worth it!

Watercolors and rough canvas still don’t mix, but I’m persevering.

Also, watercolors are not great for ‘80s-style neon colors.

It feels like cheating somehow, but fine-tip Sharpies are great for outlining!

Update: It arrived! My friend’s reaction: “😂🤣👮‍♂️🍆🎨“!