Always Defend Your Right To Heal At Your Own Pace. You Are Taking Your Time. You Are Allowed To Take

Things to remember when you want to say "no," assert yourself, and ask for what you want

If I say “no” to someone and they get angry, this does not mean I should have said “yes.”

Saying “no” does not make me selfish.

Although I want to please the people I care about, I do not have to please them all the time.

It is okay to want or need something from someone else. 

My wants and needs are just as important as those of anyone else.

I have the right to assert myself, even if I may inconvenience others. 

I can probably help out here =) I’ve experienced a decent range of dissociation, because mine has gotten less intense over time.

So when dissociation is really severe, it can feel like the whole world is dead. You’re completely inert and still. It’s like your consciousness has become just a small floating thing in your head -- not connected to your body, your feelings, your environment, or anything that’s happening around you.

When mine was at its worst, I couldn’t speak. I often couldn’t move, I couldn’t respond to people who tried to talk to me or get me to notice them. I was AWARE they were there... I sort of heard and saw what they did... but I just couldn’t care or engage with them at all. Like watching a movie with the volume on mute. And just being stuck there... helpless to change it.

Over time, though, I stopped needing to defend against my feelings that strongly, and my dissociation eased up.

“Mild” dissociation is kind of like just turning the volume down, instead of muting it entirely.

Nowadays, for me, I’ll realize I’ve been staring off into space, or more often playing a really simple game on my phone (like 1010) for an hour or more. I’ll tune out of my environment somewhat. I normally have a constant monologue of thoughts in my head -- when I dissociate enough, those will go quiet. Sometimes my thoughts go completely silent, sometimes just vague and wordless.

(For me, the effects of my ADHD, sleep disorder and depression can overlap a lot, because they can all make me unfocused and disconnected. So it’s hard to tell exactly what’s what, but hopefully this is still useful for you to hear about.)

When you’re slightly dissociated, input is less demanding. Everything is a little further away, muffled. It matters a little less. It’s easier to go on auto-pilot. It’s much easier to forget things -- often, thoughts I'm having (“oh, I should do this thing”) will just slip away and disappear.

You don’t really care about anything, although you want to; you just can’t. And you probably don’t feel much of anything.

I used to shut down like this (completely!!) every time I got really, catastrophically upset. Then it happened only when I felt threatened, facing conflict etc. or basically when I needed to escape. Lately, it seems to happen when I’m struggling with really powerful emotions, like if I’m very lonely. I can’t turn off the emotion, but I can dampen my experience of it by not really feeling anything.

It also used to last for days at a time, until someone else interrupted it; now it lasts maybe a few hours, before I notice it and act to take care of myself.

So, all this to say: Dissociation can vary a lot, and it can definitely be a lot more subtle than “catatonic zombie”. I know people who function almost normally, and you even wouldn’t realize they were dissociated if they didn’t tell you.

It’s more about how you feel on the inside -- it’s numbness. Whatever that looks like for you.

Hope that helps =)

hi im really sorry if this is annoying or stupid or anything but a while (idk how long) ago you made a post asking whther not getting stuff done is an avpd thing and i just want to say dissasociation and fantasy living can both be symptoms of avpd that might stop people from getting stuff dine in the real world?? idk sorry sorry sorry sorry ignore me

omg thank you for sending me a message it’s not annoying at all i promise dw!!!! 

yeah it probably is something to do with that. i’ve been curious about dissociation recently bc i think that might happen to me but i’m still kind of confused/unsure. is there anyone else who has avpd that experiences it that can kind of explain to me what it is/feels like?? whenever i look it up it seems like it’s way more extreme than what i experience.

Your purpose in life is not to love yourself but to love being yourself.

If you goal is to love yourself, then your focus is directed inward toward yourself, and you end up constantly watching yourself from the outside, disconnected, trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of.

If your goal is to love being yourself, then your focus is directed outward towards life, on living and making decisions based on what brings you pleasure and fulfillment.

Be the subject, not the object. It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself. You are experiencing life. Life is not experiencing you.

AvPD theory: social dysregulation

Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like ... a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.

Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.

Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.

People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.

They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.

Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation -- they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”

It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.

But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.

The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person -- it just seems dangerous and harsh.

And we can’t put these feelings into context.

We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.

We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.

That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.

It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.

It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.

Our inner experience is turned into chaos.

We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.

We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.

And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.

Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:

“I might be able to enjoy this thing... but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”

Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.

What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.

(more here!)

being in love with the process and not the results is one of the healthiest things in the world

“I hope you let yourself learn from the moments of stillness, the moments of silence, and the moments of rest. I hope you see that even when you don’t think there is any growth happening, there is — it’s just steady and slow.”

— Megan Minutillo, Please Embrace The Slowness

I’m going to give you the best piece of Adult Life Is Hard advice I’ve ever learned:

Talk to people when things go to shit.

I don’t just mean get it off your chest, although that’s good. I mean: Something’s wrong with your paycheck/you lost your job/you had unexpected emergency car repairs and now you’re broke so your credit card payment is late. Like, not just 15 days late. We’re talking, shit got crazy and now you’re 90 days late with compounded interest and late fees and the Minimum Payment Due is, like, $390, and you’ve got about $3.90 in your bank account. Call the credit card company. 

I know it’s scary. I know you feel like you’re going to get in trouble, like you’re gong to get yelled at or scolded for not having your life together. But the credit card company isn’t your parents; they’re just interested in getting money from you. And you can’t squeeze blood from a stone or money from someone who doesn’t have any. So what you do is you call them. You explain you’re experiencing temporary financial hardships, and you’re currently unable to bring your account up to date, but you don’t want to just let it get worse. Can you maybe talk to someone about a payment plan so you can work something out? Nine times out of ten you’ll be able to negotiate something so that at least it’s not just taking a constant, giant shit on your credit score.

- Can’t pay your power bill? Call the power company.

- Can’t pay your full rent? Talk to your landlord.

- Had to go to the hospital without insurance and have giant medical bills looming in your place? Call the hospital and ask if they have someone who helps people with financial hardships. Many do.

- Got super sick and missed half a semester of class because flu/pneumonia/auto-immune problems/depressive episode? Talk to your professor. If that doesn’t help, talk to your advisor.

You may not be able to fix everything, but you’ll likely be able to make improvements. At the very least, it’s possible that they have a list of people you can contact to help you with things. (Also, don’t be afraid to google things like, “I can’t pay my power bill [state you live in]” because you’d be surprised at what turns up on Google!) But the thing is, people in these positions gain nothing if you fail. There’s no emotional satisfaction for them if your attempts at having your life together completely bite the dust. In fact, they stand to benefit if things work out for you! And chances are, they’ll be completely happy to take $20 a month from you over getting $0 a month from you, your account will be considered current because you’ve talked to them and made an agreement, you won’t get reported to a collections agency, and your credit score won’t completely tank.

Here’s some helpful tips to keep in mind:

1. Be polite. Don’t demand things; request them. Let me tell you about how customer service people hold your life in their hands and how many extra miles they’ll go for someone who is nice to them.

2. Stick to the facts, and keep them minimal unless asked for them. Chances are they’re not really interested in the details. “We had several family emergencies in a row, and now I’m having trouble making the payments” is better than “Well, two months ago my husband wrecked his bike, and then he had a reaction to the muscle relaxer they gave him, and then our dog swallowed a shoestring and we had to take him to the emergency clinic, and just last week MY car broke down, and now my account’s in the negatives and I don’t know how I’m gonna get it back out.” The person you’re talking to is aware shit happens to everyone; they don’t need the details to prove you’re somehow “worthy” of being helped. They may ask you for details at a certain point if they have to fill out any kind of request form, but let them do that.

3. Ask questions. “Is there anything we can do about X?” “Would it be possible to move my payment date to Y day instead so it’s not coming out of the same paycheck as my rent?” The answer may be “no.” That’s not a failure on your part. But a good customer service person may have an alternate solution. 

Anyway! I hope that helps! Don’t just assume the answer is “no” before you’ve even begun. There is more help out there than you ever imagined.

How To Feed Yourself When You're Depressed

Depression has a sneaky way of creeping into all aspects of your life, and making you not care about any of them. And yes, this includes food. Eating is a prerequisite for life, so it makes perverse sense that, for many people, it’s among the first victims of a depressive episode.

I just like this article a lot. ❤️ I know I’m not the only one having a difficult time right now, so maybe it will help somebody out there.

Here’s the thing about personality disorders.

Among everyone I know with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m one of the happiest, most outgoing, and most emotionally secure.

I have strong, positive, intimate relationships in my life.

I feel comfortable interacting with strangers.

I even make friends easily.

(The secret they don’t tell you is that even when you’re good at it, not everyone is a good choice to try it with!)

But this week, despite all of those things,

I still turned off my phone to avoid a dreaded phonecall.

I was crushed by a moderate disappointment.

I genuinely worry that my friends have stopped liking me, and that I’m not welcome in my social groups anymore (“they’re finally onto me!”).

When someone confronted me about something, even without any overt hostility, I had an anxiety attack before I could respond. And after the conversation I cried in bed, so hard that when I got up, I had tiny fresh bruises around my eyes.

Most days, I have the impulse to take down posts that feel too personal, too confused, too me.

I doubt myself and everything I’m trying to do. Sometimes I still feel like hiding in a closet for the rest of my life would be a better idea.

And I obviously still struggle with all my usual avoidance problems -- like the effort it takes to leave the house.

There are extenuating circumstances, but...

...the thing about having a personality disorder -- or any mental illness! -- is that it’s always there in the background.

It’s usually always under the surface. It can affect everything in your life.

And even when someone seems to be doing really, really well, this is still something they have to be aware of and careful with. Sometimes, if you’re recovering, it feels like it’s always waiting to take over again.

There are always triggers. There are always situations that will prompt a disordered response. Sometimes you’ll be able to choose away from acting on that response, and sometimes you won’t.

And there’s never a time when self-care stops being important.

So if you’re struggling?

Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean you’re worse than everybody else. Because everybody has times where things are hard and awful.

It’s okay to talk about how much it sucks. We all need validation and support.

It’s also okay to deliberately focus on what’s good and what successes you’re having, if that’s helpful for you.

You can even do both at the same time. In spite of all the things I listed up there:

I turned my phone back on and called them back! I used my self-talk skills to cope with the disappointment! I kept showing up to my social group! I had the confrontational talk and survived! I didn’t take down any posts! I learned some things!

Most of us tend to downplay our victories and emphasize our faults and mistakes. Consciously doing the opposite of that can help us change our thought habits.

But mostly:

There’s no wrong way to heal. There’s no wrong way to get better, or learn what you need to learn. And you can get stronger and grow as a person, even when you have lots of bad days.

What works for you is good enough, and that’s all that matters. <3

september will be kind. september will be magical. september will bring the missing energy. september will be working towards our goals and self. september will be a month full of growth.