“I Hope You Let Yourself Learn From The Moments Of Stillness, The Moments Of Silence, And The Moments

“So much harm comes into this world when the wrong thing is said. But that’s nothing compared to the pain from what goes unsaid.”

—

Brad Meltzer

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

The way you speak to yourself matters.

It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.

Caitlyn Siehl (via wordsnquotes)

Levels of relationship, part 1

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

I realized recently that I tend to try and categorize every relationship I form. Here’s how that breaks down.

Variables of a relationship

The quantity of time I spend feeling safe vs. scared with them

Past evidence of them being judgmental or trustworthy

How possible intimate connection seems

How rewarding intimate connection seems

From those variables, we get groups like this.

“Scary” person:

someone I usually feel frightened around

they’ve shown frightening behavior: they’ve treated me or others negatively in the past (acting critical, judgmental, rejecting, or cruel)

Intimacy is impossible.

I will never choose to be vulnerable with them, for any reason.

“Friendly” person:

someone I feel comfortable around

who has NOT shown frightening behavior

Intimacy is possible, but even if I achieved it, I think it has a very low chance of turning out well.

I could choose to be vulnerable with them, but I usually won’t, because it’s not worth the risk.

“Safe” person:

someone I feel comfortable around

who has shown trustworthy behavior in the past: I have been vulnerable with them, and they responded in a kind, supportive, accepting way

Intimacy is definitely possible, and I think it’s likely to have a positive result: they’ll probably be kind and supportive again.

I will probably choose to be vulnerable with them as often as possible.

It’s not this clear-cut or this conscious in real life. But looking at the patterns in my relationships, that tends to be how it divides. When I’m with some people, I feel really, shockingly good; with others, I feel okay; and with others, I feel really bad/afraid.

Who goes where?

For me, I assume most people are “friendly.” Acquaintances who have never frightened me go here. Strangers go here -- for me -- because why would they bother judging me? What are they judging me against?

People who are abusive or who violate my boundaries go in “scary,” of course. But, for me, so do people who are just really opinionated or blunt, because I have such a low tolerance for conflict and hostility. (People vary! Your criteria for “scary/unsafe” or any other group might be totally different, and that’s okay.)

The rarest group is “safe” people.

Because finding someone who’s basically never frightened me, who I’ve risked being open with, and who responded to me in the exact right way to put me at ease and make me feel heard and accepted -- well, that just doesn’t happen very often.

For me, the chances are better if they’re naturally mild and considerate people. And the chances are really good if they genuinely like me.

For more about safe people, you can read part 2 here.

Apologies for the format and need to zoom, but I thought this response was wonderful

Sometimes I forget about the magic. Like the moon and red leaves and how the apples grow again and again outside my windows.

Sabrina Ward Harrison (via julesofnature)

hey, remember how a while ago i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass and keeping yourself alive is endless drudgery? it’s been pointed out to me that maybe, here in 2020 with…all this…it’s the kind of thing that might be useful to people.

so hey! i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass. i literally called it cooking is terrible, and you can read a bunch of posts (mostly asks) about it in my cooking is terrible tag.

you can buy it through most ebook retailers, you can request it at your library, you can buy it on gumroad and amazon and kobo and a bunch of other stores, and there’s also a paperback on amazon.

i’m actually a pretty good cook, and i love a cooking project, but the day to day of having to eat (multiple times??) and do dishes and plan everything is just like. so much more work than i care to put into it. so i started making lists of things that you could do if you were literally only going to spend, say, five minutes in the kitchen, and ways you could cook that required as little equipment, time, and energy as possible.

it was partly written for my kid, and partly for me, and partly for anyone else who’s disabled or pressed for time or struggles with executive function or just fucking hates cooking. if you’re staring into the barrel of 2020 and only just barely dragging yourself out of bed, it’s for you, too.

also, it’s been marked down to $2.99 us on all the sites i can do it on, because i think it’s nice when we do things like keep ourselves alive, and i’d like for people to have a slightly easier time of that. 

I love writing so much, everyone. So so much. This makes 2 good things I've written today, and I just want to cry with how much I feel like a Real Person who, somehow, mysteriously, is "meaningful" and "connected-to-people." (whatever those words even mean? I am sure they must mean something, but I couldn't tell you what) I only started feeling this way recently, I guess, and I've been craving it my whole life, and it's just really big. Really big feelings. Okay!

tips n tricks for cool kids Add your own tips if you got em!

a healthy habit I’ve adopted recently is asking myself “how is this serving me”. I take this approach mostly when I’m scrolling through social media but it works for me in other aspects of life as well, such as when staying up late reading. Or what I’m feeding myself, sometimes it IS having that butter & honey on my fruit toast or having those cookies if it nourishes my soul. But having that question “how is this serving me” also lets me be conscious of how I am spending my time & resources. It allows me to tune into my goals and each step that either brings me closer or further from these