The Most Fundamental Thing:

Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do

Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.

What is agoraphobia?

This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.

People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.

So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.

1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.

Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.

If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.

This is how people get stuck.

2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.

In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.

This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).

If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)

This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.

3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.

There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?

I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:

There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.

Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).

(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.

(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.

So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.

4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.

With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.

People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.

People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.

There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.

You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.

Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)

Components to think about:

Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills

Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity

Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)

Stuff that seems to help:

Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.

In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:

breath and relaxation practices,

“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,

planning and preparing for likely outcomes,

reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”

Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!

But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.

Identify what your big stressors are.

Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.

Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.

Start observing yourself.

Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.

This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.

Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.

Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!

Much love <3

“I hope you let yourself learn from the moments of stillness, the moments of silence, and the moments of rest. I hope you see that even when you don’t think there is any growth happening, there is — it’s just steady and slow.”

— Megan Minutillo, Please Embrace The Slowness

I’ll try and respond to this later, I do have Some Things! (but not enough time or spoons to spare, just now)

hey… do any of my fellow avpd-ers have advice on making yourself Do Things that you Really Need To Fucking Do (ie adult things like emails/phone calls) and, on that note, how to explain your avoidant tendencies to people esp authority figures so that you don’t sound like a lazy asshole

AvPD recovery: Self-esteem.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD isolates you from being truly connected, being part of the world.

It keeps you from creating trust-filled, satisfying relationships.

It also keeps you from connecting with yourself, like I wrote about in another post.

It keeps you from truly feeling -- and even sometimes recognizing -- your own emotions, your own wishes.

Most of all, being this way hurts.

Avoiding our feelings and being detached from ourselves is not normal.

And just like the pain of a physical injury, this pain is a reaction that comes from seeking wholeness. It’s calling attention to a real problem.

It’s okay to try and fix the problem.

It’s okay to pay attention to how you feel.

Even if it’s negative.

Yes! Even if it’s absolutely terrible.

Ignoring bad feelings is sometimes necessary for survival. And if it is for you right now, you probably already know it. That’s okay, and you can probably still do a lot of these things.

Remember: There’s no right or wrong way to heal.

Find a place where you can be absolutely alone, on purpose.

A place where there isn’t anyone who will judge you or make fun of you -- a place just for you, like a private journal or sketchbook or blog. Even the best option will probably feel kind of uncomfortable, so don’t obsess over finding the perfect outlet for this!

Do whatever you can to make it feel safe and out of reach from everyone.

And then spend time there, regularly.

Once you get used to it, try noticing what it’s like to not have anybody looking over your shoulder.

Can you even imagine it? It’s a terrible contradiction that we spend so much time alone, but so little time feeling un-watched. Free of observers and judging eyes.

See if you can get to know your feelings.

Within the protection of your solitude, try writing about your feelings. Or drawing or singing or collaging about them -- whatever works for you.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s a skill, and you have to gain proficiency just like with any other skill. You'll get there; it doesn’t matter how slow or fast that happens.

As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress.

If you learn one tiny thing about yourself, or if you get a little more used to expressing yourself -- then it’s a success.

Experiment with being nice to yourself sometimes.

This is so, so hard, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to try.

But when you are, just try being kind to yourself. Try being gentle. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

And if you can’t do it, try not to hate yourself too much for failing. It’s OK -- if "official permission” existed, this would be it: You don’t have to punish yourself.

Do things that feel good.

Just because they feel good. It’s OK to do that.

In particular, look for things that just sound like they would be nice, right about now. Something that you just ... feel like doing.

Even if it’s only a tiny thing, like making yourself a cup of tea, or taking a nice bath, or re-reading your favorite book.

Learn what it feels like to want something, and learn what it’s like to give yourself something good.

Try to consciously look for “wins.”

After doing anything, if you find yourself retracing your mistakes, blaming yourself, or feeling sick and anxious and guilty -- take a minute to redirect your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what went right? In what ways did I succeed?

It doesn’t matter if your brain is throwing lots of fails and embarrassment at you; that’s like a TV channel that never turns off. You don’t have to pay attention to it all the time. Just, when you have the energy to, deliberately focus on the good anyway.

The smallest success still counts: “Hey, I remembered what building my class is in! I was basically on time! I didn’t trip over anyone! I learned something!” Even if you have to name truly silly things for “wins,” start with those.

The point is giving yourself credit, instead of bringing yourself down.

And you might be surprised at how well things actually went -- when you start looking at how well they went, instead of how badly.

These things are the heart of recovering from AvPD...

...in my opinion, and in my own experience. Because this is how you recover your self-esteem.

The simple way to see AvPD is that other people judge and hurt us.

But the more complex truth is that their judgment only has the power to affect us that much, because we’ve never claimed the right to judge for OURSELVES.

We never learned to like ourselves, or to be kind to ourselves. We never learned to take care of ourselves. To own who we are, as human beings. To decide OUR OWN value.

That takes some intense courage. But you don’t have to do it all at once.

Every single thing I listed here is about:

reclaiming your inner life for yourself,

finding your feelings and wishes again,

practicing taking care of your feelings.

Taking care of yourself means healing shame. It means giving yourself value.

We all need to be validated, listened to, cared for, and given positive value. We need dignity.

But when you can give those things to yourself in abundance, you don’t have to rely on other people’s scraps for your self-esteem.

And that’s how you get free. The fear will still be there. But it won’t control you.

AvPD theory: social dysregulation

Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like … a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.

Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.

Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.

People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.

They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.

Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation – they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”

It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.

But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.

The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person – it just seems dangerous and harsh.

And we can’t put these feelings into context.

We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.

We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.

That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.

It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.

It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.

Our inner experience is turned into chaos.

We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.

We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.

And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.

Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:

“I might be able to enjoy this thing… but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”

Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.

What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.

(more here!)

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

Sometimes people add the cutest nicest tags to one of my posts, and then I sit there giggling like a dork for entire minutes. I love you too, followers!

Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.

Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.

You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.

You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.

Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.

I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.

You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.

You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.

Georgia Voters *who voted in the November 2020 Election* are finding themselves PURGED from voter records.

This video explains how to check this and how to re-register

Deadline to re-register is Dec 7th

AvPD and how we control anxiety.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

So in anxiety disorders, there are “safety behaviors” that are things you do to manage your anxiety.

Like when people with social anxiety are around other people, they’ll play with their phone,

or stay in the bathroom longer than necessary,

or avoid eye contact,

or only go somewhere with another person.

See also: compulsions in OCD.

It’s something you do while you are in the presence of your Feared Thing, to make it less scary/more tolerable.  It’s like a buffer.

But I’ve had a hard time figuring out what is the safety behavior in Avoidant Personality Disorder. So much of its actual presence in people’s lives (or at least in mine) seems to be: “terrified of being seen/rejected by others.” And where you have anxiety, you should also be seeing safety behaviors, right? But it’s not really talked about.

Obviously you can just AVOID people as much as possible, and not have to deal with it in the first place. (Like, clearly. I myself am a shut-in, because AvPD.) But what if you’re actually in it, facing this anxiety/threat? What do you do? How do you buffer the fear?

To lower AvPD anxiety, you de-escalate the intimacy.

I bet MOST of us have a kind of hierarchy of “how scary/how close is this type of interaction.” And if something is too scary, what do you do? Bump down the closeness a step.

You stop touching, step away, put a barrier in between you; you reduce the level of contact, from phone, to chat, to text, to email. (This is my hierarchy; yours might be different.) If you’re in a group and their scrutiny is freaking you out while you try to talk to someone, you go off and talk alone. Or if being alone with someone is too scary, you get somebody to go with you.

Online, maybe you size down the chat window or minimize it entirely between replies. You silence the notifications. You fullscreen something else over it. (Maybe you compulsively glance over to see if they’ve responded, like I do.)

If you’re trying to share something about yourself, maybe you choose to give it to them long-form all at once, so you can’t lose your nerve halfway through. Maybe you edit out select details that are Too Revealing, too unique, too you. Maybe you only share it with them when you've both agreed to discuss it immediately, so it isn’t hanging in the air between you.

It’s about this:

controlling how much access (ability to disturb) they have to you

controlling what they get to see

and monitoring how they react

The “safest” situation is one where they have very little access to you; where you only allow them to see a bare minimum of personal details about you; and where you can watch and try to mitigate how they are responding to you/what they think of you.

The most “unsafe” situation is one where

you can’t control how much access they have to you (i.e. you live with them or see them every day, you can’t get away from their influence/moods/judgments, or they have power over some aspect of your life)

you can’t control how much about you they get to see (i.e. no privacy, no boundaries)

and you can’t monitor or affect how they react (i.e. they find out a secret of yours and then abruptly leave, or they just won’t communicate their feelings with you at all, or you aren’t even aware of what they know until they confront you).

(Okay, so full disclosure, I basically just described my entire relationship with my mom. So this theory may have overlap with codependency, abusive relationships, and c-ptsd, rather than being pure AvPD.)

De-escalating intimacy = de-escalating trust.

You’re reducing their ability to hurt you -- you’re making “How much I am forced to trust you” as tiny and inert as possible.

Which is very useful in a situation where the person is actually going to (or genuinely might) hurt you.

But this eventual habit of lowering intimacy, lowering trust, also means creating distance between you and people you might actually like to form a connection with.

Once you are out of an unsafe situation, this --

controlling how much access they have to you, controlling what they get to see, and monitoring how they react

-- is no longer about managing a threat, or danger. It’s about managing anxiety.

And here is what we know: Compulsions, safety behaviors, avoidance ... anything we do to defend against anxiety, is self-reinforcing. The more you do it, the stronger the urge to do it next time.

There’s another thing:

When you avoid every single instance of interpersonal conflict, you never get the chance to learn how to handle it in a healthy way.

So, yes, when you get into a normal, not-dangerous argument with someone, or have to stand up for yourself, or defend your boundaries -- 2 things: You haven’t built up the skills to handle it in a way that feels safe, AND, you’re super sensitized to conflict because it’s rare.

Conflict is actually scary and feels out of control, times 2, on top of your pre-established fear. And that can be emotionally violent enough, that it can actually be traumatizing or re-traumatizing all on its own.

This obviously isn’t the whole story of AvPD. It’s a personality disorder, not just an anxiety disorder. But I bet for some people, including me, this is a huge chunk of it.