Rain. I Lyk Rain.

Frank Asakichi Kunishige - Hamadryad, c.1924

seeing through

self harm after one point, becomes a coping mechanism. Its often potrayed as glorification of the result of deep introspection leading to masochoism , or as attention seeking, and a varried array of things in between. All half true, but far too contorted to have been intended well. In all truth, this is just my story.

i harmed myself, underfed myself, deprieved myself of sleep, gagged myself, whipped myself, took random medicines. Everything. If suicide is included in self harm, attempted it perioidically. And frankly, some of the self harm was for attention, i wished to make myself worthy of recieving care. To put myself in such hurt that i could control, explain in lies, and have catered to in small dozes. But more than that, it was a coping mechanism to hurt myself. Because everything else would be misconstrued or result in consequences i did not intend and could not control. A outburst of anger would effect my ties, breaking things was not affordable, or sometimes not explainable,  Crying would lead to intervention into my thoughts. But self harm? no one would know, no one could question, and i’d come out “sane” , “normal”, there would be know “something’s happened to them, they’ve changed” , nothing. i could just inflict pain upon myself in places and ways no one could see, and then go about my day, following my passions, which were truly mine, but also all of me as everyone saw it. ANd there was also relief in harming myself, because , indeed my thoughts had mangled into this crowweb of hatred for myself, and the hatred of my love for myself. It felt real, and the pain felt mine, and sometimes it felt wrong, and so it felt right , because i thought i deserved it, i think so sometimes. Its a overlay between wanting pain, and also forcefully inflicting pain i don’t want, former because i think i’v wandered into masochistic desires and it feels poetic, latter because outside that poem i hurt from pain, but i think i deserve to be punished. so i do it myself.

on the sideway, suicide, just became an option, and once it did, somehow that made everything easier, that its going to end, in my control, so i can just do this, just not do that, just that. Failed suicide attempts have consequences and aftermath , of course they do, and more often then not, the guilt of having hurt others and the “selfishness” of it is already lingering in ur head on its own, the major aftermath is just a feeling of failure, and more ideation along with more self harm. Because maybe if you’re going to fail and then be put to the test for why’s and see others hurt for u, be angry, be troubled, or be unbothered by your pain, better sane up for it, so that the lingering apology in your head manages to find its way above the pain of the reality and you manage to set things right back they were before by convincing everyone so. Once self harm becomes you’re coping mechanism, it just  never really is comforting to be saved.

There must be a way out of it, there is, i know, but how will it be found if we don’t dig a creek in this soft grave and set paper boats to sway here. The sun dazzles, at the edges of such a boat, i know.

Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?

Sam, holding a gun to his/their wife's head: tell me the name of our son without looking at his overalls you blurry piece of shit

His wife: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

Sam cocking the gun, tears streaming down his/their face: I'M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

my minion hab made these flags for the goats.

I guess the revolution isnt happening after all. I wont lie, we (my goat wife & i) were looking forward to this. Especially her. I dont much care for technicalities. To me, we are as married as 2 goats can be. But as fate would have it, same sex marriage isnt yet legal in my country. Neither is adoption by same sex couples. But with the anger of the people, she thought #theysilencedyou could snowball into a real movement. That we might be able to wed one day, as other goats do.

You see, we become complicit in our anger. Caught up in the mundane intricacies of life, she in her job & I in mine. We forget how much has been taken from us. How much is being kept from us still. Our anger has to take a backseat for us 2 live our lives as normal goats.

But when something happens, no matter how small, to remind us of what we're missing, the anger wakes up again, like it did because of CW's censorship & queerbaiting. And in that anger is a spark that goats like me & my wife will cling to. Maybe the spark will light a fire, we think. Maybe this is the day it'll all burn down. Maybe now things will change. Maybe this time we'll be set free.

But it dies down. Like this is dying down. You'll forget your anger & we'll forget ours. & I'm the one that'll have 2 ask my wife to put her molotov cocktails away (she makes them with such dexterity). I was hoping to never have to do that again. For once, I wanted to see her set fire to the streets. She loves burning things. Carries a lighter in her pocket & smiles at the flames. & you should see her when she smiles, people. You should see her when she smiles.

But I'll do it a million times more (& I know she will, too) if it means we get to feel that hope again.

We don't regret the hope. Thank you for the hope.

The Primeval Mother - puppet by Damiët van Dalsum, Netherlands. Date: 1975-1985 - Collection: Come and see! Puppetry in pictures. Poppenspe(e)lmuseum.

when we try to befriend cats we mimic their meows and get down on the ground to their level and try to gently coax them to interact with us right

that horrifying entity mimicking human noises at us maybe just thinks we’re cool and wants to pet us?

hand in unloafable hand

rebellion by denial. YEMS. the erasure shall not be accepted.

@a-really-tired-really-gay-bitch, here’s your pie. welcome to mega turbo hell. enjoy.

Pie version of this in honor of Dean Winchester.

The CW (derogatory) gets No pie.

Roasted Radish Linguine // Recipes for Two by RogueTranslator // recipe 1/26

ref (added the noodles myself 😌)

Domesticated computers will eat a disc right out of someone’s hand but wild computers are too shy you have to leave the disc on the ground and let it walk over to it and eat it itself