Just Fucking With Some Dinosaurs. Some Raw Forces Of Nature

"Fishing" you a happy Valentine's Day!

part 1/4 of the fish valentine cards I drew for some friends

little squid doodle

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

so there’s a dynamic that is at least true in my life and might be part of a much broader trend. I don’t know for sure whether this is widely applicable but I wanna throw it out there in case it is, or in case it just makes sense to others in some way that is useful.

the dynamic is this:

when I’m in spaces of predominately disabled people, and/or spaces in which accessibility is at the forefront of people’s minds, there is a default assumption that everyone is doing their best to be kind, and that our interpretation of others body language, manner of communication, etc. should always err on the side of assuming they are being genuine and engaged to the best of their ability, that there is nothing malicious going on.

In contrast, when i am in more general settings (esp places that do not forefront disability and accessibility) there is a default assumption that any atypical way of behaving or communicating indicates some level of negative emotion or underlying social/interpersonal tension.

I got thinking about this after I saw that post where a HoH person was mentioning someone immediately getting angry and defensive towards them for not hearing them and then immediately becoming apologetic when they were informed the person was deaf in one ear. And in the notes someone was defending the initial reaction of anger by saying that the person probably assumed they were being deliberately ignored.

It got me thinking about other things like this. I remember in middle school getting a quiz that was a blank seating chart and we needed to write down the full names of everyone in our class and where they sat. I stayed after class and asked if I could have extra credit to make it up because I have a very bad memory and do not remember names easily. The teacher told me that not remembering people’s names meant I did not respect them and that I needed to care about other people. I burst into tears having this stated so plainly that my inability was interpreted as cruelty.

I was thinking about how my wife is autistic and for her it takes conscious effort to make facial expressions and prefers to use as few words as possible to conserve that specific kind of energy. And I was thinking about how many stories she has of people assuming she didn’t want to be someone’s friend or was being passive aggressive or something just because she didn’t overly emote or because she used few words or texted K instead of “okay!! ☺️” or whatever.

I was thinking about how often physical inability to do things is cast as “laziness” and laziness carries the implication of feeling entitled to others’ work. I think about visibly physically disabled people who (for example) complain about service workers discriminating against them (e.g. a driver refusing to provide service when someone has a service dog or wheelchair) where people readily assume the disabled person holds a feeling of superiority and entitlement towards workers.

I was thinking about how the inability to pronounce things or to do certain tasks is immediately assumed to mean “not caring about” those things. The idea that if someone cancels last second due to a pain flare up or a mental illness trigger that they are enacting a deliberate cruelty towards the friend they cancelled on.

And then I was thinking about how…

disabled people who are not adept at the way that able society functions with a default assumption of malice are often bullied or made fun of specifically because they assume good faith from other people by default.

Someone asks them out and they assume the person is being honest because their default is to assume good faith. Someone asks them what they mean when they say a common word and they give an in-depth explanation about what it means and everyone laughs because “obviously we know what it means, we were just fucking with you.” Someone asks a question and they assume they want to know the answer to the question, and then find out it was a trick question or a social test and there was already a “right answer” and “wrong answer.” Someone doesn’t respond to them so they repeat their question over again, or write it down and give it to them, or try to find alternate means to communicate, and then the person says “I dont want to talk to you, take the hint!”

Like there just seems to be this dynamic at play where broad accessibility really does require an effort to assume good faith and default to kindness, but functioning in the rest of the world requires constant suspicion and always looking for ways in which people might be trying to be mean for some reason.

And I do think that in scenarios like the HoH person described in that post, where the only information someone has is that they said something and the other person didn’t respond—of course after a lifetime of people being mean we might suspect someone being mean, but like if we have to choose one default or the other with a stranger—why can’t the default be assuming good faith? Like can’t we please be kind as our default? I feel like adapting to a default of assuming unkindness and social tricks should not be expected of disabled people. This is something where rest of the culture needs to make an effort adapt to defaulting to kindness and patience.

Sure maybe someone is being an asshole, but you don’t have to be. if you assume someone just didn’t hear you and repeat yourself or write it down and someone is mean to you about it, you didn’t do anything wrong! The person being an asshole (about you simply trying to communicate and assuming kindness) is clearly the one messing up that social interaction. We should all give each other grace.

Could you maybe reblog this post if you think respecting trans peoples' names and identities is a basic right and not a political opinion?

No pressure. Just seeking some validation of my sentiment. Due to some. people