Captain America And Superman Are Jewish Responses To The Nazi Idea Of The Ubermensch That Ask Different,

Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother

Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!

Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.

Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.

Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.

Jason: HA! Suck it losers!

Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!

Jason: What?

Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-

Jason: WHAT!?

Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.

Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us

Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.

Jason: So I'm your favorite?

Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.

Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all

Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!

Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars

Source: me

Thanks anon lmao

Picnic

One more joke hate: You may claim to be a woman but biologically you are a featherless biped and thus a man.

Finally a good argument for why I'm actually a man

Perhaps they ought not to have eaten the dragon. There had been people objecting to it at the time. Surely such meat was poisonous. Perhaps it was even an affront, an insult to some intangible order of nature they ought to honour.

But the city was starving, the siege had gone on too long, and the king's troops were still a week's march away. The scorched earth would be fertile again in time, but right now it was barren. Right now there were mouths to feed. So they changed their crossbows for butcher knives and got to work.

None of the royal commanders asked any questions that could not be answered. After all, their aid had come shamefully late. The dragon's horned skull made a noble gift, a fitting tribute from a triumphant city to its humbled king. Who would have thought to question them?

And none of the townsfolk spoke up, when the first golden-eyed babes were born. Children who grew up barefoot and fearless, clambering over the city's patched and rebuilt roofs like they had no notion of falling, with a strange glitter to their skin when the sunlight hit it just so. No one breathed a word about dragons.

Because soon enough there were deft, young hands taking loaves straight out of the oven, heedlessly lifting iron from the forge, plunging into boiling laundry water. And some of them more wondrous still, wild, warm-skinned youths, with inexplicable knowledge and peculiar remedies.

A blessing, their families said proudly. A blessing after so much hardship. Which it was, in its way. This city would never fear dragon fire again.

Kny characters + most traumatizing internet experiences

(modern au obvi)

That time Nezuko sent Tanjirou a text that said "look at this adorable video of a puppy and a raccoon being friends!!!! :0 🌸" but then when he clicked on it, it was the music video for the song "never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley. Why would Nezuko do this to him?

When Douma left his laptop open for Akaza to accidentally read some of the replies to his most recent tweet. He doesn't even know what those comments meant, but they were scary.

When Douma texted Akaza and Kokushibou a link to an article that talked about a gruesome murder that took place in the town like thirty years ago, with the caption " omg do u guys think ur house is haunted ? O-O" Akaza replied "Douma why are you being so ridiculous" but Kokushibou, who has always been personally convinced that his house is haunted, felt a chill run down his spine...

That time Shinobu sent Giyuu a text that said "giyuu have you seen the latest mitski mv" but then when he clicked on it, it was the music video for the song "never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley.

Sanemi taking the "Am I Gay?" quiz at 3am and then promptly deleting his browser history and attempting to set his computer on fire for good measure, setting off his smoke alarm and waking up the entire house, for which he had no good explanation other than the wholly unbelievable lie that he was trying to lit a scented candle but his hand slipped and landed on his computer keyboard instead.

When Zenitsu made Tanjirou listen to some of Kaigaku's soundcloud rap and instead of finding it funny like Zenitsu assumed he would it gave Tanjirou such a bad migraine he actually started crying.

When Gyutaro is accidentally in the background of one of Daki's selfies and a couple of her ig comments are "who's that guy behind u ????" leading him to fear that they would track him down, invade his home and tear him apart like a pack of wild animals. Daki said "uh...that's definitely not going to happen" but based on what he knows of her following, he maintains it's a likely possibility ok????

When Tanjirou had strep throat and couldn't read aloud to Muichirou like he usually does and Genya, out of the kindness of his heart, offered to sub in, and Muichirou made him read all 38 chapters of "My Immortal" to him, insisting that Tanjirou would do this for him, and therefore if he doesn't that means he is a bad friend.

That time Uzui sent Rengoku a text that said "hey i read this article regarding an unlimited free pizza coupon winning competition i thought you might find interesting, tell me what you think" but then when he clicked on it, it was the music video for the song "never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley.

And last but not least: When Kaigaku left his laptop open for Zenitsu to accidentally read his latest reddit post. Terrifying stuff.

Also, like, I'm sorry but if you've set up a free shelter, and people refuse to go because sleeping on the sidewalk under a freeway bridge is more pleasant, that's fucking on you, that's not on them.

You really can't compete with sleeping under the overpass so you are going to force people into shelter?

Unspeakably cruel and stupid.

Obsessed with this. It’s so true

Enid, discussing whether or not her parents know she’s gay: I mean it’s not like it matters, I’m going to die alone anyway.

Wednesday, without hesitation: You’re right. You’re incredibly annoying.

Enid:

Enid: That was uncalled for.

Wednesday: I apologise. Would it help if I married you?

Enid: You know what? Yes. Yes it would.

Wednesday: Well if I must.

[Later that evening]

Wednesday: And you said I’d have to tell Enid how I felt to convince her to marry me.

Thing: YOU’RE-A-MENACE-TO-SOCIETY.

Wednesday: Why thank you Thing.

Thing: TELL-ENID-YOU-LOVE-HER.

Wednesday: I’d sooner kill us both. Now focus, we have a wedding to plan.

Remember if you’re out at a store and someone says “This is a robbery” you can say “no it’s not” and then the robber will leave because theyre a robber and this is no longer a robbery .