Concerning Books Of Literary Importance

Here is another song I played on the kids guitar ( its actually a really nice playing spanish guitar its just...small ) which I play admittedly different on purpose, I never liked the original rhythm it doesn’t feel right.  Though his is much better, this is Bob Dylans “ You Belong to Me “

Dream Journals

I’ve decided to start writing dreams down, so I might as well take up space here with em, some will be old dreams I remember still, some will be new dreams, just dreams, the only time we’re honest with ourselves and therefore the most honest i can be with you ( not that my 3 day old tumblr has alot of readers yet )

October 15th or something:  Fell asleep drunk watching the walking dead, dreamed I was being attacked by cops, it was a good ol time for a while til i was overwhelmed.  They’re run up, id stab them in the heart, another would come, stab, etc, eventually there was too many to stab and i ran, pretty self explanatory really, dreams are half subconscious mind and half replaying what we’ve seen experienced that day.  Now if i had that dream on say a Bahama vacation, well, worry then

Women led me on only to throw me aside; they mocked and tortured me when others were around, only to embrace me with passion after everyone had left.  Women sleep so soundly they seem to be dead, who knows?  Women may live in order to sleep....No matter how long I went on with my antics they would ask for more, and I would become exhausted responding to their insatiable demands for encores.  They really laugh an amazing amount of the time, I suppose one can say that women stuff themselves with far more pleasure than men.

Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

The Human story: When you’re very young, the world is confusing, you struggle to understand the meaning of life, and therefore life is an abstract, fairly meaningless.  In the middle of your life, you have brushes with death maybe, health problems, near OD’s, your parents die and suddenly you’re very alone.  You work through it, but you start to fear death. 

Maybe I skipped a chapter already but at one point if you’re lucky you stop fearing the unknown, you realize everytime you sleep you die and hope you’re reborn, some people find god, and try to right all their wrongs out of fear, but death is the great equalizer, and is necessary.  Unlike Humans, Earth recycles everything and there are only X amount of resources therefore only Y amout of things can live on X. 

Do I fear death?  Sorta, do I also contemplate death as a release from the sufferings of the world?  You bet, but really it all comes down to how stubborn you are, I’m not in love with life, life has been shitty to me, and now that I’m old enough to do something about it I’ve lost all ambition therein.  At the same time, unlike some hot topic teen goth I dont romanticize death, death is grizzly and horrible. 

Most adults make a life via their vocations and families, they dont have to contemplate their mortality or the nature of the universe, not often, but I dont have that luxury, and as I sit here in my little self made cell, high or drunk on whatever, I think my perspective is different than alot of people. 

Every angsty teen is in love with death because they have a goldfish like brain, and they’re just finding the ocean, most adults are affraid to swim, so they only swim for reasons they make up, money, career advancement, what have you, and some pull the trigger and sink.  Death comes to us all, how you handle it is what makes you you, and everything you say do or think will be defined by this one basic premise, youll either be reckless or fearless, and both are really a sham.  You WILL die, your loved ones will die, in 200 years no one will remember your name, anyone who would will die, invent a heaven or live with it, live to youre old and pissing yourself in a bag, die at 20 from an OD it really doesnt matter you’re just a building everyones waiting to fall down so they can use your bones to shape a new building, you matter completely and you dont matter at all.

I refuse to cry for the people I know that have died young from drugs, i refuse to cry for the people that lived to be old enough to drain excess resources to prolong their inevitable demise, I refuse your concept of reality, I refuse.

I’m a very angry depressed sort of man, though I’m very Buddhist and level about it.  I have major moral conflicts with the people and the world around me, how it runs, the motives therein.  Though loved, and loving, I am a very un-affectionate person, I also have very little sympathy for people though lots of empathy.  I dated for too long too young, and have now been alone for a very long time, being a child of divorce I’ve come to have a very cynical view of love.  I distrust all humans and when I look in their eyes I usually see deceit, either of me or of themselves.  But it sure is good to just, laugh at stupid shit sometimes isn’t it?

Mystics and schizophrenics find themselves in the same ocean, but the mystics swim whereas the schizophrenics drown.

R.D. Lang

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entheognosis

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