If You Hang Out With A…

I cried yesterday sitting on my bathroom floor and I almost had anxiety attack (idk I felt so anxious and frustered and almost cried and my chest was feeling tight) when my best friend ignored and slightly humiliated me and I cried while writing the previous post.

I just hope I'm not in depression cuz I dont want to be in depression. I truly want to correct my life and i promise that I start with my studies.

I promise myself that there will be a day when I'll be content and there would be no sadness in my mind.

honestly, I think all I needed was for my bestfriend to come and scold me and then help me to make a plan to reach my goals...

DATE : 13-3-25

Aim: IIT Bombay,CS

5/100 So I didn't post anything for the last two days cuz I was exhausted. But anyways yesterday was my last exam and yesterday I also went to my coaching so it was a hectic day. Now even though my school exams are over, I still have my coaching's reshuffling test to worry about and I really need to study properly or else I'll remain behind. I have 11 more days. and it's not even full uninterrupted 11days, no, Holi is day after tomorrow. I have school and coaching both in between and and I have just started with the syllabus, I have to cover everything from scratch cuz I wasted most of my 11th but it changes now. Anyways enough of my ramblings. hours studied on ypt today:

this is me

I really really regret all m mistakes last year....all I needed was someone to help me out .....all I needed was a hug ......all I really needed was someone to listen to me without judging and to explain things that are common sense for people. I know I can still do it though but I'm still alone. I feel like im always alone

Today was my result day and I got 64%....never in my entire life have I gotten less than 90. But this year I was just plain arrogant , I wanted to get good marks by just studying on the last days and I was getting annoyed that it wasn't working in class 11 because for the previous years it was working out. So in the end I actually failed physics and gave retest for it and barely passed. My parents expressed their disappointment and honestly I'm dissapointed in myself too.....but I FAILED PHYSICS THEN WHY ARE THEY TELLING ME TO GET MATHS TUTION? I mean Ik my maths werent that good but I failed physics not maths besides out of PCM my highest was in maths.........................but idk how to speak about this to my papa

We all deserve someone who can read us better than we do.

Who the fuck are you? I literally eat so freaking less like you always complain to me and the everyone. So if once in a while I ask you to make something else for me and it's not difficult at all it's easy and simple. You remind of the fact that I don't get good grades . You fucking bitch if I knew I needed good grades to eat food you should have told me . You freaking psycho. I hate you and the only reason I'll study is to go away from you. I am not happy with you as parent and honestly I do wish someone else someone with a better mindset to be my parent.....I suppose my dad makes up for it ....I respect him but never you........never you because everything you have done just makes me hate you even more. It's always you who always makes me cry and honestly if you think that your only threat which is papa ko bta dungi then theek hai bitch bta do.....I respect him but honestly at this I get scolded by you so much that it has made me numb yo it toh theek kha lungi mai unseen nhi daant tujhse toh vaise bhi kya hi rho hoon. Aur teri awaaj I freaking the fucking tone you always speak in. If you can never understand me then atleast dont fuck up my mental peace and mindset by your fucking stupid and "dump" views.

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

my parents specially my mother always judge me on my marks....they'll scold me.....they want me to do well and it's understandable cuz i failed physics and thats very low for me cuz last year i got 95. They are screaming at each other, finding tuitions so I do better (mind you, I already go to school AND COACHING) so much happened and none of them sat next to me and just asked "what happened? what problems did you face?" NOOOOOO they are convinced because things went according to me last year. Everything I do must be wrong, every way i did things must be wrongs.......and they are so misinformed (I want to just scream now) I can't even call it misinformation cause that would imply they have information but NOOO they don't have the full picture nor are they trying to see the full. they don't know what it's like to live through it and they want to dictate everything because ofcourse last year i did everything according to myself and i failed. They are (my mother is....I swear she is a witch for me now) convinced that everything they do is gonna turn out great because that is exactly what happened 2 years ago. BUT YOU STUPID PEOPLE, I WASN'T GOING TO COACHING **AND** SCHOOL THAT YEAR, I WASN'T HAVING **THAT** BIG OF A SYLLABUS . but yk what I don't have the energy to talk to them right now because they just pull the marks.....they just pull the fact that I FAILED and I am acting as if doesn't bother me. you dumbshits, ofc it bothers me.....I've been crying everyday in the morning but why would i show it YOU when I know you're gonna taunt me about it? Do you think I'm stupid?