This Is Me

Dude you were too harsh with your callout😭😭

Look at you. Browsing the same four apps over and over again looking to find your parents' love that you never got, from strangers' validation.

You put this into words

🫡

you don’t have to wait until you hit rock bottom to start over or decide it’s time to improve

Its 12:55am and I'll study as if my exam is tomorrow...I'll update you on how it goes

my parents specially my mother always judge me on my marks....they'll scold me.....they want me to do well and it's understandable cuz i failed physics and thats very low for me cuz last year i got 95. They are screaming at each other, finding tuitions so I do better (mind you, I already go to school AND COACHING) so much happened and none of them sat next to me and just asked "what happened? what problems did you face?" NOOOOOO they are convinced because things went according to me last year. Everything I do must be wrong, every way i did things must be wrongs.......and they are so misinformed (I want to just scream now) I can't even call it misinformation cause that would imply they have information but NOOO they don't have the full picture nor are they trying to see the full. they don't know what it's like to live through it and they want to dictate everything because ofcourse last year i did everything according to myself and i failed. They are (my mother is....I swear she is a witch for me now) convinced that everything they do is gonna turn out great because that is exactly what happened 2 years ago. BUT YOU STUPID PEOPLE, I WASN'T GOING TO COACHING **AND** SCHOOL THAT YEAR, I WASN'T HAVING **THAT** BIG OF A SYLLABUS . but yk what I don't have the energy to talk to them right now because they just pull the marks.....they just pull the fact that I FAILED and I am acting as if doesn't bother me. you dumbshits, ofc it bothers me.....I've been crying everyday in the morning but why would i show it YOU when I know you're gonna taunt me about it? Do you think I'm stupid?

I started out this academic session with lot of determination but it all faded because of distractions so I am hoping to focus on discipline .......and tbh I would give this credit to my new friend who is so smart( and sweet also) but like very smart....looking at her...she inspires me to start studying and be smart as well....so thank you new friend for rekindling my flame of wanting to be an academic weapon.

And ofc I'll keep you all updated :)

Who the fuck are you? I literally eat so freaking less like you always complain to me and the everyone. So if once in a while I ask you to make something else for me and it's not difficult at all it's easy and simple. You remind of the fact that I don't get good grades . You fucking bitch if I knew I needed good grades to eat food you should have told me . You freaking psycho. I hate you and the only reason I'll study is to go away from you. I am not happy with you as parent and honestly I do wish someone else someone with a better mindset to be my parent.....I suppose my dad makes up for it ....I respect him but never you........never you because everything you have done just makes me hate you even more. It's always you who always makes me cry and honestly if you think that your only threat which is papa ko bta dungi then theek hai bitch bta do.....I respect him but honestly at this I get scolded by you so much that it has made me numb yo it toh theek kha lungi mai unseen nhi daant tujhse toh vaise bhi kya hi rho hoon. Aur teri awaaj I freaking the fucking tone you always speak in. If you can never understand me then atleast dont fuck up my mental peace and mindset by your fucking stupid and "dump" views.

And that is what matters at the end

the very first step of getting over your fears is to have them. just like the first step to getting better is being worse than you wish you were, and the first step to becoming who you want to be is being who you are. don’t let your shame back you into a corner. you can only grow from here.

why does my mother always make me feel guilty about wanting to eat something sweet after my meal. and it's not as if I'm demanding a desert. I literally just want one bite of something sweet and she just rants out when i try to eat a few raisins or like a piece of mango or watermelon or maybe just one biscuit.