I Can't Stop Eating. I Hate Myself

ignore the tags. I usually don't use them but I kinda wanna find new people here so if you see this : pls pls reply/like this so I can follow you. my dash is literally dead and I feel like ed tumblr is too :(

“I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.”

— vacants

I don't feel like I'm made for life. I am constantly stressed and anxious because of ✨𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮✨ especially when it comes to applying for shit like wtf I don't have any special qualities at all. why you should hire me instead of others? bro idk. I'm bad at everything I don't know anything alright lmao. I just wish I could end myself

all I think about is calories yet that doesn't stop me from stuffing my fat face

*screams into the mic* YOU’RE ALLOWED TO RECOVER FROM YOUR EATING DISORDER EVEN IF YOU AREN’T UNDERWEIGHT

Back here once again but my dash is dead :(

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

I need to get my shit back together. I got so fat and I look even more disgusting than before

TW (things my parents have said to me)

my stepfather said that he programmed the scale to show a higher number for my mother in order to motivate her and to show a lower number when I step on it so I don't lose any more weight. then he says "your cheeks are getting fatter. we need to stop eating as much as we do." at dinner I ate less (not because I got my shit together but because I physically couldn't because I binged before) and he said something like "you're done already? weird kid"

"your face has gotten fat. are you allergic to something or do you just not move enough? yours kinda looks like that of your mom now."

after dinner I put all the things back into the refrigerator and we have something like white chocolate spread and my mother said something like "they're always empty super quickly" and my stepfather said "yeah that's because she (he meant me) keeps eating them non stop. that's why her cheeks/face looks bigger/fatter" to which my mother chimed in with "yes, she is getting chubby cheeks" (I couldn't find a good translation for the German word "Pausbäckchen" or "Speckbäckchen" but it basically means either the cheeks of a child because they tend to have more roundish cheeks or the cheeks of a pig I imagine) and then my stepfather said that I needed to ride the bike more often and I'm like bold of you to assume that riding the bike made me stay "thin" haha no while I was in school I was able to restrict but now I'm home 24/7 and it's literally impossible to restrict🤡

"we should give you a scale, your face is getting really fat. you can tell that you don't ride your bike to school anymore."

(because of the amount of noodles) something like "I thought that we haven't cooked enough noodles but we should all eat less. especially her (meaning me)"

my mother always chooses the stuff for food that is the smallest and my stepfather said : "we have to give her (me) also just half the portion, her face has gotten fat. especially because she doesn't ride her bike anymore. she has at least gained 5 or 6 kg but she doesn't notice that because she doesn't weigh herself."

"your legs have gotten fat. you should do something about that"

my stepfather bought crisps and told me that I could take some up to my room because "I could use some meat on my ribs" so that he could tell me again that I need to lose weight.

my mother :"her face has gotten fatter." my stepfather :"Yeah because she just lies in bed all day and doesn't move at all"

my mother pointed out once again that my face has gotten fat and idk who said it but I heard someone say that it suits me.

went on a walk with my parents and they once again said that my face and legs have gotten fat and my stepfather then said that I should do sports and lose weight so that I'll still be able to fit in my chair and at my desk.

come on a walk with us so you will get the shape you had when you were still riding your bike

in conclusion

shit hurts. that was a lot of damage.

this is everything I wasn't able to say <3

i don’t think i was supposed to live in this world. maybe it was too early for me, maybe i was supposed to be born in a couple of decades. or maybe i shouldn’t have been born at all. but i’m here now, and i’m suffering, and i don’t want to be here. this world, this society, its a nightmare i cant navigate. i’m completely out of touch. i can barely breathe anymore. i don’t think i’m supposed to be here.