“The Most Painful Goodbyes Are The Ones That Are Left Unsaid And Never Explained.”

The only thing I'm good at is destroying myself

The urge to become just a fucking horrible person. The urge to just destroy my own life and watch my own downfall. The urge to make everyone hate me and feel good while doing it. The urge to pretend I'm better then everyone when I know I'm the scum of the earth. I want to be so angry and mean, I want to scream at everyone, I want to make them feel how I feel when they do the same shit to me. But I'm so scared of losing everyone again. I can't stand being mean or hurtful because god damn it little me knows how revenge feels. They know what it feels like to switch the script and become the bully, they know what it feels like to watch others feel exactly what they felt. And they lost everyone. They lost everything. They wouldn't want me to do it again. But I'm so fed up, and I'm so bored of pretending I dont feel anger towards others. I'm tired of being pushed around again.

Bonnie and Clyde: Rambling #14

19th April 2022, 00:31

Dear God, my last rambling made me start thinking about this. A lover. A crazed lover. Somebody who is obsessed and head over heels for me. Somebody who spends every minute thinking about me, plotting scenarios about me, dreaming about me, who would do absolutely anything for me. Just as I would for them. In love. Wholly in love. Wildly in love. Our love would be messy. Bloody. I want us to elope and become Bonnie and Clyde. I want them to look at me, sparks behind their eyes, with a knife in their hand, blood spattered across their face, and a corpse by their feet. I want to walk forward, clutch their jaw, and press my lips firmly to their own. I want to make love in the blood of our victim. But, are they really a victim? We’re only ridding them from this horrible, horrible world. I think I would try and kill the bad, worst people of this world first. The animal abusers. The pedophiles. The parents who beat their children. Rich people who don’t donate to charities. Oh, and that one girl who lied about me hurting her when I was about six years old. You fucking bitch. I didn’t touch you. But, now I will. I’ll hurt you in the way you said I did, and then my partner will slit your throat and your blood will coat my naked body. I’ll glisten black under the moonlight. My lover, their eyes dilated in admiration, would drop their knife and come to me, tender hands leaving trails through the blood across my chest. Oh, how I would fall for you even further. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would grow you roses fed with the blood of my enemies. They would be the brightest, most healthiest, deep red roses you have ever seen. All you have to do is let go and trust me. Just let go. Let your inner demons take control of the steering wheel. Join me in my instantly. Together we can dominate this disgusting, pathetic world. After all, it’s not fun to be insane when you’re alone.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

paramore - caught in the middle

— Fernando Pessoa , from “The Book of Disquiet.”

i swear it’s so invalidating when you genuinely cant cut deep, then your left with hundreds of baby cuts and run out of space on your wrist or thigh.

these scars be looking a bit lonely 👀

you are not a bad person because of your memory loss. you are not less intelligent because of your memory loss. you are not less caring because of your memory loss.

memory loss isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve to feel ashamed.

no matter what I'm doing it's wrong

no matter what I'm saying it's wrong

like what the fuck I just wanna die