Sometimes I Just Get Sad Because I Caused Permanent Damage To My Body And No Matter How Much I Recovery

The urge to become just a fucking horrible person. The urge to just destroy my own life and watch my own downfall. The urge to make everyone hate me and feel good while doing it. The urge to pretend I'm better then everyone when I know I'm the scum of the earth. I want to be so angry and mean, I want to scream at everyone, I want to make them feel how I feel when they do the same shit to me. But I'm so scared of losing everyone again. I can't stand being mean or hurtful because god damn it little me knows how revenge feels. They know what it feels like to switch the script and become the bully, they know what it feels like to watch others feel exactly what they felt. And they lost everyone. They lost everything. They wouldn't want me to do it again. But I'm so fed up, and I'm so bored of pretending I dont feel anger towards others. I'm tired of being pushed around again.

                                                                                            Yet                        I still want some kind of contact. Yet I am the one who can’t let go                                             —into complete silence,                        which seems so unthinkable. What keeps me?                        Is it devotion or addiction? Is it the need for                        intimacy, or the proof that I can survive                        some kind of violence?

— Yanyi, from “Affirmation,” Dream of the Divided Field

I think I'm just gonna- *stabs myself*

isnt it funny how calling people out on their shit makes you the bad guy?

ugh i feel so pretty and feminine when i st4rve myself

"You are slowly losing interest in me and I fucking hate it. I can feel the love between us fading and the worst part is: there's nothing I can do about it."

- M.C.

Appetite: Rambling #17

19th April 2022, 14:52

My mum said that I’m getting my appetite back because I ate chocolate after dinner. It was Easter chocolate. Easter chocolate that she had bought for me. What do you want me to do? Just leave it until the due by date has gone by? Chocolate lasts for ages. Plus, what’s wrong with me wanting a little chocolate? I’m definitely more of a savoury person, but it’s nice to have chocolate every now and then. Especially during the Easter season. Also, the thing people forget is that I never lost my appetite. I was always hungry. I just never ate. Food is amazing, but it’s also the bane of my existence. I feel as though my entire life is based around my food. Counting calories. Starving myself. Throwing up. Eating too much. Checking my weight. Reading mean-spo. I just want to be able to eat food without feeling like it is going to ruin my appearance.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Things that don’t make you a bad person:

Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness

Being diagnosed with multiple disorders

Having one or various personality disorders

Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, or ASPD

Having very low empathy, or no empathy

Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia

Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries

Needing extra help or accommodations

Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics

— Virginia Woolf, from “Carlyle’s House and Other Sketches.”