Ugh I Feel So Pretty And Feminine When I St4rve Myself

“it’s easier to love than to hate”

nope. not always. not for everyone. sometimes it’s easier to be angry. sometimes it’s easier to hate people and sometimes all you want to do is yell or scream or slam things about.

sometimes it takes a monumental effort to choose to be kind.

and that’s okay! you’re not broken if your default, easy option, is something that is often frowned upon. you’re not broken if you find it hard to do the right thing.

I’m proud of you for trying your best and for pushing through, despite the odds. I’m proud of you for working hard. I’m proud of you for still trying, even when you stuff up sometimes.

you’re allowed to find kindness and love hard.

you’re allowed to be kind for “the wrong reasons”.

you’re allowed to exist.

All my relationships are temporary.

I've never had a long time friend, no one has even been around me for more than a few years. I don't miss them, I have no drive to keep in contact.

I lose interest and move on, even the people I know now, I have no motivation to talk to them. Despite the fact I could keep the friendship alive. It just, feels like a dead weight.

Seeing people talk about the relationships they have, their close companions, people they trust and actually know. I'm not human, not in the way other people are.

Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

I’ve never understood how people throw around the word love so easily. They’ll claim to love their whole family, all of their friends, and their significant other. How can you love that many people at once? If push comes to shove, who would you really choose? Who does it come down to?

They’ll claim to love someone after 3 weeks of knowing them, and then fall out of love with someone in an equally short span of time, or be drawn to another just as quickly. How are you even remotely interested in anyone else?

Maybe you have affection for them, and thats what they mean, but love? That binding to the soul? That choiceless, powerful bond where you’d do anything and everything for them? Where you hold them above the lives of everyone else and even your own morality, your own soul? Would you legitimately go through the Gates of Hell for them? Follow them to the ends of the earth? Do “normal” people not feel that way? Thats rare, once or twice in a lifetime.

People must have a much weaker, watered down definition of love than I do. Have most people felt actual love at all? Same with hatred, with despair, with rage. Sometimes I wonder if most modern, non traumatized people have truly felt those things at all. Is modern life too safe for legitimate emotion? Are they lying? Exaggerating? Simply ignorant to the shallow depth of their emotions, inexperienced?

I am chronically emotionally vacant, I am fake, yet sometimes I think I’m the only real person in the world. On the very rare occassion that I do care for someone, I care for them with my entire being. Maybe I am just obsessive. Maybe its not normal to be unable to love more than one person at a time, or to find it so difficult and rare to attach to others.

I hate how the antisocial dial being cranked up to full volume makes me have the urge to claw my way out of my own skin. Everything is unbearably boring, annoying, or just not enough for me when I'm like this. Something I don't like happens? Rage. I manage to actually enjoy something? I have to bleed it dry in an attempt to feel satisfied. I won't be.

It's extremely hard to care about anything I say or do, and my ability to mask drops to just about nothing.

- Rift

History Essay: Rambling #8

18th April 2022, 00:21

I’m proud of myself for once. I’ve written 1,000 words of my essay and I still have a week before it needs to be submitted. I’m never like this. I usually take two extensions on my essays so that I get two extra weeks to write (and then leave it until the day before it’s due still). My psychologist says it is ADHD. I think it’s just laziness, no motivation, and exhaustion. I don’t find things fun anymore. I have such a short attention span. I can’t even watch a 10 minute YouTube video without growing bored. It’s like growing up has sucked the colour from my life. Everything is grey. Food tastes like cardboard. The sun never shines. It is a permanent winter. I know the only reason I am doing my essay early is because I have so many other assignments I have to submit, but I am still proud of myself for actually doing it. The essay is about hierarchy and stratification in pre-modern Korea. It’s actually quite interesting. I’ve learned about the kolp’um system (bone ranks) and the yangban system (basically scholars). It was an amalgamation of aristocracy and bureaucracy. The funny thing is, I love to learn. I’m an intelligent person and doing nothing all day is boring and draining for me. Yet, I can never find the energy to actually study. Once again, I am a walking contradiction, and I just want to smash my head through a glass window.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

I low-key wanna attempt suicide just so i can get admitted to a hospital and people can actually know that im not okay and care for me a bit, im just tired of pretending to be okay all the time.

Half tempted to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills. Who cares?