I’m Just In Love With The Idea Of Love, Probably Also With The Idea Of You.

One day, you'll understand

My mind is a storm. Yet my words are drizzles, unnoticeable when they touch your skin. Not because you are numb, but because their metaphors are unsharpened. Because I don’t want to hurt you even if I can. I can drown you the way my demons drown me in whirlpools. But I wouldn’t, if you just run away from me.

My lips are shut like how my heart is. Because I don’t want to stab you with the pain you’ll hear from my voice. I don’t want to let you in and be a part of my dark and gloomy heart. I am a chaos. A walking disaster, ready to swallow and eat you up when you come near me, so you should just let me destroy myself.

My life is empty and dull as darkness is. I am nearly death. I can kill you. Please, just save yourself. Save yourself.

Save yourself from me.

(eusie.)

ask me if i'm fine. i promise i'll say i'm okay as long as i hear your voice

if you can read this in heaven (a eulogy)

i. i won’t tell her name. no, i won’t. but i will tell you about the patterns encrypted on her skin that i have tried to read. i will tell you how it went when i found out she’s gone to the moments i can’t remember anymore.

ii. i didn’t think she is cold as winter when i traced her backbones while she was asleep, i didn’t think that her bones will eat me when i tried to kiss the scars inside of her; what i thought was that she would be happily singing melodies as she shows me the remaining life inside her veins but i am half way between what i think and the truth

iii. because she is an unsent letter written by a star who fell in love with the moon. she is an unsent letter, full of tears, lost and blown away.

iv. to where she landed is where the moon shines the most, it blinded her and let her forget what she was meant to do; to where she landed is where she became a star and she had thought that the moon is the knight of day that saved her

v. so she fell in love, and she fell in love more and more each night. her tears became dusts that continued to blind her and poisoned her to think about forever. she drew a map within her edges, this is for her to look at when she’s lost in the moon’s light. she blew away the words that her mind whispered every day — the words that wanted to warn her. yes, she tried to be new. yes, she tried to become lovable. yes, she wants to be loved by the moon.

vi. but everything didn’t go the way she wanted and now she’s a dead body with a dying soul; the moon never looked at her, only shined for her, that’s why she crashed herself but only ended up being bones and a rib cage.

vii. this is when i stopped reading her like what i always do when i read books. i stopped reading her because i might cry. i said i’ll come back to where i paused and read her until the end but now she’s gone and i can’t remember anymore. no, i don’t want to remember. what i want is to follow her because the sound of her bones cracking and the smell of her unknown stories are calling me.

viii. so if you can read this in heaven, i want you to know that i’m talking about you; i want you to know that i’ll be following you.

(eusie.)

e.e. cummings, from “because it’s Spring” (in 73 Poems), Complete Poems: 1904-1962

Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

Emery Allen

braces in and out & ellipsis

a.k.a. yes, it’s from me. but don’t worry, i don’t

this is how i think it is: the sound between your sketch pads and your pencils are silent from where i am / but your heartbeat is steady like my room's wall clock / it's probably a roller coaster of a ride, but your emotions are too wild to acknowledge / so you hide them in a whip of one color then another, or you drip them in monochrome / and maybe sometimes you find yourself dancing to the wind's songs / but when it whispers a name, you cover your ears and sail yourself back to drawing

(eusie.)

dear winter

dear winter,

just this time, will you please stop making snowflakes? i sneeze a little too often than before. do not attempt to dance outside my windows, i will never come out and watch you. please be gone as soon as possible, i can never get pass through your time.

just this time, i want you to not kill me again because every year when you are here, you kiss me with your snowflakes and i feel bliss even if i know you’re also kissing someone else. you whisper sweet nothings against my windows and every morning i wake up and see them as lyrics of a daylight lullaby; i smile even if i know in the evening, you’ll still give me nightmares. you control me and poison me to just give my every minute to you when you are here.

just this time, please stop… because just when everything comes to the most freezing moments of mine, you leave and i die; i don’t want that to happen again.

so please, just this time…

just this time… i want you to go away.

i am restraining myself on missing you as i run out of breathe each day. come back when i am when i want to feel frozen.

(eusie.)

Unexpectedly

too many poems too many unrequited love too many broken hearts and too many bruises and unwanted scars

too many persons oblivious to what they did

to gain existence in another world

a world called poetry

(eusie.)

19:34

My lips fail to be in sync with my heart’s desire, so I relied on my hands.

But with every paper filled with smudges from my fingertips, I have realized,

I can never write everything down the same way I used to…

when I was a chaos but my heart wasn’t.

(eusie.)

but... i can't write anymore