Sick

ace attorney + older siblings

Spoilers under the cutoff because there is no way I'm jumpscaring ya'll with the biggest gut-punch in the game. Also I'm pretty sure it'd be taller than me if printed out so bare with me!

I'm going to be talking about a very important section in Case 5-5: Turnabout for Tomorrow...

...because good god almighty, can we talk about how GOOD Simon's Mood Matrix segment is?!

Pretense: Facing Your Fears

Let's set the stage for Simon and Athena before we build to what I want to talk about. Context is important and in this case it helps make the following revelations that much more effective.

Both characters at this point have gone through hell and high water to save the other from a dreadful fate; Simon enduring 7 years on death-row to protect Athena from punishment for Metis' death, Athena studying law in spite of her intense fear and trauma to undo the damage done by his false confession. By the time we get here we've seen how deeply Athena is affected by her trauma. We've seen how far Simon is willing to go in the name of protecting Athena, going so far as to disregard his own sister's concern for his safety.

By the time of Turnabout for Tomorrow's trial, they have practically been pushed to their breaking points; Athena is indicted for Clay's murder and is confronted with the idea that she herself is responsible for the death of her mother - her memories of UR-1 resurfacing and being pushed back at the same time as the worst-case scenario becomes apparent. Simon's efforts to save Athena from this punishment have been rendered practically useless with her incarceration, the phantom slipping from his grasp, the guilt Athena would bear being the only thing he stands to protect her from.

At the end of Phoenix and Edgeworth's initial skirmish and seeming Guilty verdict, Simon steps in with one last effort to protect Athena's innocence in this matter. Even though she's set to be convicted for Clay's murder, this carries a lot more weight if ever she realised what he saw that day would prove her guilty of killing Metis Cykes.

Athena - despite a practical mental breakdown earlier that day - pushes herself to stand at the Defense's bench to achieve what she has been working towards from the day Phoenix inspired her to persue this career. She's very much still afraid, still rattled by the accusation Aura had made, stating that she wants to run out of the courtroom as she speaks. Despite this she pushes herself to stand there and ask Simon for the chance to face her worst fears - that of the UR-1 trial and the horrible idea that she could be guilty herself - by letting her reveal his true emotions.

Simon accepts, confident that his prowess in psychology can deflect her efforts, though nevertheless wary of the emotions he has kept under wraps for 7 years. Athena (& Phoenix I guess...) slowly dismantle his testimony in full-knowledge that he is lying for a reason - one that could potentially destroy her if proven true. Both of them are staring down the worst-case scenario for each other and trying desperately to keep the other away from that event.

Let's go over that testimony then, shall we? I'll go through it section by section.

Part 1: The False Confession

Simon's lie relies on people seeing him as a heartless killer. We see him build and reinforce that image in his trials, acting as beligerently and violently as he can muster without causing any real damage. By this point he's already slashed at & sicked his bird on just about everyone who's ever stood in court, save for Bobby Fulbright. He's had to be shocked by him just to stop.

Suffice to say it was pretty effective since it took a hostage situation to convince officials to give UR-1 a re-trial (even after the HAT-2 bombing implied that the crimes that day were purpetrated by another party).

To this end, he brought out every trick in the book to keep his true memories on the event at bay from prying eyes; his closed-off nature, his mastery of psychology, his training with blade and hawk alike, his time in prison exposed to the worst humanity had to offer. All of these were ample tools in ensuring that his image is not broken.

His anger and joy regarding his false murder are almost complete lies. At best, he's enraged that such a thing happened at all and glad that his scheme had worked to protect Athena. The phantom later on demonstrates that people can indeed fake their emotions, though some genuine feeling will slip through the cracks if you try.

Enter Athena. Not only does she have a keen ear for one's tone, she has studied psychology and put her mind towards applying her talent to the coutroom. Her Mood Matrix program makes what she hears apparent to even the least informed person and she's already cracked a good number of testimonies with this power (well, two in 5-3 since Apollo and Phoenix did all the others, though they couldn't have without her explaining things).

For most people, Simon's anger would overshadow the relief he felt when he found Athena in the laboratory. Just enough to keep his lie sound for the untrained ear. That same relief for Athena's safety is weaponised in the next two lines as he talks about how cathartic the act was, cementing his intentions to others.

His relief at Athena's safety did need some explaination - leaning on people's poor perceptions of Metis to help his story along - though aside from that? This testimony is practically impenetrable with only one easily explained oddity that only Athena could have ever picked up on.

As I said however, one's true emotions can't help but leak out. Even the best liars like Simon and the phantom can't help that.

Part 2: A Ronin's Remorse

Only two statements change at this point so those are the only ones I'll show here.

One, he's dropped the anger in the second line to focus on his relief. Before he only mentioned that he found her instead of Metis, using his anger to mask his thoughts as frustration that he had to wait for his plans to go through.

Two, his joy is replaced with intense sadness towards the act of plunging the katana into Metis. There's no mention of catharsis here; only describing what had happened to her. To that, he would feel a great sadness.

Naturally he would grieve Metis, though that would not track with his prior satisfaction with the act. So he leaned on Athena again to explain his emotions, and that does explain things rather cleanly.

Note that this is the only time his Noise Level drops, too. It goes from 100% to 40% here - it's the closest he's willing to get to how he truly felt about the event without giving the game away. Any closer and he would start revealing emotions that do not match his words in the slightest.

Part 3: Brief Shock

His noise level rises to 60% here, so the emotions displayed are less accurate to how he truly felt. Although his tale of grand homicide has shifted somewhat...

Now, his concern at the beginning wasn't killing Dr Cykes to rescue Athena; he entered the room because he heard that Athena was upset in the other room while looking for her in the Psychology Lab.

How true it is that Athena was crying at that moment is debatable given future revelations, though nothing's contradictary about this section. Perhaps at this point she hadn't thought to put Metis on the repair table having only just woken up, reacting much like any child would at the sight of her mother's body before the idea crossed her mind. We do have an hour's gap between Metis' death and Simon leaving the lab, after all.

In any case, Simon's relief has turned to shock in the moment he finds Athena in the Robotics Lab. Any mention of Athena at this stage is long gone - he only talks about his hurry to the Robotics Lab. It isn't clear what he would be so shocked by at this stage. Most anyone would know, not much was out of the ordinary when he walked into the room.

Look at how he hesitates before arriving at this explaination. His words are a lot shakier than they were for prior testimony, the excuse he gives a blatant lie to cover his tracks. The noise level goes up again with this as well, from 60% to a full 100%; Simon has completely obscured the events he witnessed once again.

This was the closest Athena and Phoenix got to poking at what he really saw in the lab and it clearly rattled him. Before, his reasoning was sound. Now, we're left wondering what he actually saw in there to result in that much shock...

Part 4: The Blade of Evidence

Unfortunately, this is where the Mood Matrix becomes useless. Simon has explained his contradictory emotions deftly up to this point; his relief at Athena's wellbeing, his grief at the loss of Metis Cykes, his surprise upon entering the lab. In stark contrast to a good few people subjected to Athena's therapy, Simon is the only one in the game that completely evades her attack. He knows how she operates & is well-versed in analytical psychology himself which shows in just how reasonable his explainations are up to this point.

But stacking lies upon lies only gets you so far until it begins to contradict the one thing he can't re-interpret; evidence.

This is the only time he takes damage during his entire time on the stand. When his words no longer match what is physically verifiable, there is no recourse - his psychological prowess cannot disprove cold, hard facts. Just as Athena's abilities cannot be used as hard proof, rather requiring proof in and of itself (usually in the form of a confession from the witness).

Simon can no longer lie about what it is he saw in the lab that day. There are no avenues through which he can explain his shock and by now Athena & Phoenix have dug through his thoughts quite extensively. With that decisive cut they've managed to open Simon to one last attack...

...saldy, by opening one of his deepest, most painful wounds.

Part 5: That Terrible Scene

By this point it's clear everyone is getting much more than they bargained for. Simon's shock was only the tip of the iceberg; a raging storm of emotions had been hidden from earshot for 7 long years, far away from even Athena's keen ears.

The fact she's surprised that Simon has been carrying this for so long shows just how early he's managed to keep this under a lid, that he's had to hide it from young Athena as well (who's hearing was much more sensitive than now).

Athena herself has managed to endure the sound of people's hearts this entire time, in stark contrast to when being around people too long made her dizzy to the point of needing headphones. We've only seen two emotions at most go overboard at once with Marlon Rimes and she managed just fine with that noise - the grief and anger associated with the loss of his lover Azura Summers (at that point her empathy is the only thing that really shows). Simon is different. He feels everything all at once with such intensity that it pains Athena to hear for the first time since her debut. It changes the Mood Matrix screen we see here to purple for the first time that wasn't her demonstrating something to her co-workers (see Yuri Cosmos' MM sequence). Beyond volume and intensity of emotion, the fact that the person she cared so much for as to practice law to save from death row is experiencing so much mental anguish himself is distressing. Something terrible happened that day. It shook the ever-stoic Simon into a state not seen in even the most wild witness so far. He's hidden it for Athena's sake this entire time, but... why?

He's intentionally vague about it this time, compared to his more detailed accounts of the events. "That terrible scene!" leaves a lot to the imagination and nothing that comes to mind is comforting.

We all know why Athena's the defendant in this trial; Aura thinks she killed Metis Cykes that day. Edgeworth supports her theory through evidence that even Phoenix can't counter up to this point. Simon intervened in order to stop their efforts to indict her by lying about what happened that day.

Lying about... what, exactly, is the most concerning question. At this point the only two plausible explainations are that either Simon or Athena had done it. Savvier players might remember that Clonco stops by for a recharge at 2PM, same time as the crime, though Simon and Athena left the room at 3PM. There's a SMALL chance that what he saw could contradict what's been posited so far, though chances aren't looking great.

Also note that his line "I had no choice but to kill my mentor!" has gotten shorter. No mention of not wanting to hand Athena over. Just declaring in sheer hysteria that he did it and had no choice but to do it.

Simon is in a panic. Athena is reeling from her old friend's inner turmoil. No one is quite sure if what's about to be revealed will be in their favour.

He's very obviously concerned with Athena first and foremost; this entire act goes against even his own sister's wants, after all. That's where the centre of his most complex emotions lie.

And what do we find at the eye of the storm?

Part 6: Fixing Her Mother

Dr Cykes was already dead. Athena stood before her body on the repair table, bloody katana not too far away from her. She's covered in blood and no doubt in shock, but otherwise safe and sound.

Then Simon drops the bombshell; Athena looked at him with this look on her face and told him the following:

So.

Allow me to impart how gut-wrenching this entire sequence is.

On its own, it's already dark as dark can be. A smiling, dead-eyed little girl covered in blood is a sight to shake the hardiest to their core (the suspension of disbelief not withstanding - this is a cartoon depiction). I'm not the biggest fan of how Dual Destinies tends to jump between 3D and 2D anime but it can work. And boy does this work.

In context, this is Athena looking at Simon when he finds her mother Metis dead on the repair table. There's a bloody katana right by her and a stab wound on Metis. Athena has her mothers blood on her. She's smiling. Completely detatched from what is going on around her while looking Simon dead in the eye, telling him that she's about to take her mother apart to "fix" her.

Simon is in a whirlwind of emotions over this; grief at his mentor's death and for Athena's loss, relief that she's alive and well, furious that Metis had been murdered, and shocked that not only that this happened, not only that it seemingly happened because of her daughter... but that she's smiling as she's telling him the most horrific thing he could hear after seeing all of this.

Although. Simon isn't the only one Athena is looking at in this image.

She's also looking at herself. Her older self, the one that's just been told she killed her mother and how she intended to "fix" the situation.

Athena has not processed what happened that day by this point - her memories are still tucked away behind 5 Black Psyche Locks as a truth even she isn't aware of. Some parts of that memory come back to her here; the memory of stabbing someone with a blade, telling Simon she's going to "fix" Metis... but nothing more. The phantom is still hidden away from view. So the only logical conclusion she can come to at this point is that she did kill her mother that day.

She processes all of that while looking at herself, dead in the eye, covered in her mother's blood and smiling as if nothing's wrong.

She's looking back at the most innocent form of herself during the single worst event in her life. And she's smiling back at her.

Even better, she's looking at YOU. The player. Taking all of these dreadful things in while you and Athena are forced to witness something that shook SIMON SODDING BLACKQUILL to his core, before Athena finally breaks and screams in a combination of denial and anguish that her worst fear had come to light.

It's only worse when Simon explains that Metis Cykes truly did love Athena. Everything that she had done - especially the headphones Athena hated oh so much - was done to help her lead a normal life in spite of her condition. Simon, being well attuned to the needs and motivations of others, picked up on this and saw the Cykes for more than what they appeared. He did not want to believe that Athena would so callously kill her mother and rip her apart on her own machine. Without any evidence to prove the contrary, he took the fall to save her from guilt he saw as unjust. It had to be some kind of mistake... right?

Athena, on top of reliving UR-1 under the worst possible context, is practically frozen in her shivering pose the entire time. Without any evidence to the contrary, she has no reason to believe it wasn't her. Her faith in herself has completely shattered at this point. She was brave in wanting to confront the truth Simon had hidden all these years - especially after what Aura said while she was in the Detention Centre. Unfortunately it only revealed the worst for both characters; Simon's drive to protect Metis' daughter had been for naught, and Athena now has to live with the knowledge that in the abscence of decisive evidence, she had set every terrible thing that happened to the her, Simon, and Aura in motion 7 years ago.

I could nark about Phoenix's involvement here. How he steals much of Athena's thunder and how she would have been more fitting to point out the flaws in Simon's testimony, perhaps even showing some growth as a standard evidence-presenting lawyer through disproving the Ponco explaination. I do wish he was written and utilised better, though I completely understand why Athena specifically is out of commission for this part of the re-trial, especially immediately after Aura and Simon's revelations about her part in UR-1.

The trauma Athena experienced has a significant affect on her throughout DD and she's shown that enough pressure being built on her is enough to shut her down completely. UR-1 itself is horrific enough to warrent such a total shutdown in the times it occurs - specifically in regards to not being able to save a friend from a false conviction. The game does a good job in building up to and justifying her reactions. Having her truck on in spite of this is very much in the Athena spirit but there's a clear breaking point; going past that would reduce the impact significantly.

I do still think it would have been more effective for her to pick apart Simon's testimony though. You can't have your faux-protagonist make a big hoo-ha about being given a chance and then hand the steering-wheel to the guy who only learned of Simon's situation THAT SAME DAY-

Ahem. Sorry about that.

My gripes aside, this is a very effective and powerful sequence that makes the triumph later on all the more impactful. This struggle between two people trying to save the other, briefly falling into the darkest moment of both their lives, then somehow coming back from it is the main reason I cried over Simon thanking Athena while she finally let loose those tears of joy.

Dual Destinies can be amazing when it isn't being stupid, you know?

Everyone Dreams of Going to Hogwarts

Every fan of Harry Potter has indulged in the fantasy of waiting for an Owl to deliver the fateful letter that will declare your future as a witch or wizard at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Every one of us old or young had dreamed of riding the train at Kings Cross Station, taking the boats across the black lake and seeing the castle for the first time, of having dinner in the great hall, of finally figuring out where you belong in the world and it just feeling right. They fantasize about seeing their common room for the first time finally feeling that warm sense of belonging and meeting the friends that you will keep for the rest of your life. Every single one of us had fantasized about meeting our professors, exploring the grounds and discovering our latent potential. It’s a comfort for many of us and happy place to go in our minds to escape reality.

For the witches and wizards of the Wizarding World that childhood fantasy is their reality. They too wait with bated breath for their letters. They too fantasize about finally feeling that “at home” feeling, the feeling that you finally belong to something bigger and more wonderful than their wildest dreams. The chance to prove themselves. The chance to start over for many, the chance to leave their sometimes abusive homes for a place that finally actually feels like home to them. Harry was one of those people. Dumbledore was one of those people. Hermione, Ron and even Neville all find this sense of belonging sooner or later. They all find their forever home at Hogwarts the way we all dream.

Now imagine being Seveurs Snape.

You live in a house with a father that doesn’t understand you and screams and yells at you and your mother on a daily basis and you feel so alone in the world. You have one peer who appreciates in you the magic that allows you to rise above the squaller and cruelty in which you live. You have one friend who sees you for who you are and appreciates that about you truly, while being forced to inhabit a world that not only doesn’t understand you but is actually often openly hostile to you. Hogwarts, you beleive, will be your escape from this hell, and best of all you get to take this wonderful friend with you. You are being whisked away to a fairy tale castle where dreams come true and you will finally feel safe and finally feel a real sense of home. You stay up all night all week waiting by the door in the early morning for the letter that is finally going to change your life. You pour over it with your best friend, going over every aspect of this incredible opportunity in your mind over and over. You’re planning how you’ll make the most of it. You finally let yourself look forward to something, to open your heart to something, to dream of something. Your greatest hearts desire to this moment is finally coming true.

Then you get on the train.

And the hell begins before the first day has ever even started. Your friend is angry at you for something entirely out of your control, and even though you make up destiny has deigned that on this day you will meet the person that will destroy any hope you ever entertained of Hogwarts being a home at all. His name is James Potter. His partners in the crimes which will forever change your life are Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black. From the moment you meet you are ridiculed by them, physically abused by them, and the worst part is from this day forward it is never going to end.

Your best friend is put not just in a different house but in the house that hates your house the most, and from this day forward you will forever have a strain on the only true friendship you’ve ever had. From this day forward you will have to meet them either in secret or at least in private to avoid angering both your houses at best and facing ridicule at worst. The moments you stole with this friend in the muggle hell will ironically be the only moments of peace you’ll truly have with them. Not only that, but they are sorted into the same house that 4 of your worst tormentors reside in.

But it’s even worse. Because although at home you can escape form your father and potential school bullies by hiding yourself away in some nook or cranny, making yourself scarce, staying out late at night in the woods or just being as quiet as possible; you will never be able to escape the torment that now awaits every day. You have classes with them, you run into them, you see them trying to take away the only friend you have every day. And it doesn’t even end there, now they have a tracking device that you don’t know about, but somehow they manage to find you no matter where you hide. No matter where you go they are somehow always there. No matter who you talk to, they all act like you’re crazy. Because none of the other professors or students know about the marauders map they find you strange for jumping at every blow of the wind. Because they don’t know about the map they don’t believe you at all when you try to explain that somehow James Potter and his gang seem to pop up conveniently every single place you go to hide and they even blame you for trying to figure out how to protect yourself. They tell you you’re bringing it on yourself for being too weird or too jumpy or too nosy. Even your best friend in the world is starting to doubt you. You feel like you’re going insane.

So you try to have your tormentors expelled. You try so hard to figure out something, anything that will end the days on end of suffering and abuse. But you’re the weird kid. You’re the ugly kid. You’re the emo goth kid. Nobody gives a shit about you and you know it. You know you’re on your own. You’re a half blood, so the the people in your house who were supposed to have your back ignore you at best and tease you about it at worst for letting Gryffindor students get the best of you. Any hope you had of Hogwarts being your home has been destroyed.

So you try to follow James and The Gang around. Yes everyone sees you as creepy for this, becusse you don’t have a map that magically tells you where they will be at all times. You have to go about it the old fashioned way. You hide behind bushes, you peak around corners. Yes everyone finds you creepy now on top of everything else, but it’ll be worth it if you can finally enjoy what was promised to you at age 11, a home. You’ll finally be able to breathe.

But no. Instead what happens is your tormentors figure out that you know that they are putting the lives of students in danger by wandering the grounds with a werewolf against the wishes of the headmaster. You know that if you can just prove it that the torment will be over, but what you don’t know is that they are one step ahead of you, and for the unimaginable crime of trying to thwart them; they are going to plan to inflict a dangerous illness of lycanthropy on you at best, maul you to death at worst. You are close to both your proof and your death when one of them gets cold feet at the last minute and decides he doesn’t in fact want to go to prison.

You think “maybe it’s finally over now”, “maybe everyone will see now that they are cruel, that this is what they’re really like”, “maybe I’ll finally get a moment of peace, maybe Dumbledore and Lily will finally beleive me”. But no. Of course not. Because remember, you’re the weird emo Slytherin kid and your life is secondary. It always has been. Dumbledore swears you to secrecy to protect one of your tormentors, so you get no justice for the attempt on your life. Because Dumbledore had forbidden you to speak about your traumatic experience of almost being murdered, your best friend doesn’t beleive you at all and instead blames you for sneaking around. They don’t even give you the chance to defend or explain yourself. Instead you’re made out to be the creepy bad guy who wants to destroy the Potter Gang out of jealously.

Worst of all you secretly suspect that your best friend has a thing for the person who makes your life a living hell every single day. You see the stolen glances and the way they look at each other, the way she is never totally on your side. You tell yourself that this is all in your head, that Lily would never betray you that way. That all the hours you spent dreaming of Hogwarts together will mean more than a crush. But oh, sadly you are very wrong there too.

Not even a few months after attempting to take your life your abusers are back at again. Remorseless as ever they hunt you down like dogs and follow your every footstep. You haven’t a moment of peace even to do your normal school work. The only place you are safe is your common room, and even then you can’t let your guard down.

Then one day it happens.

The little pieces of happiness that you’ve managed to tuck away from yourself are cruelly ripped away. They manage to find you again. The torment us as usual. They all gang up on you, each taking a go for their own amusement. They fling you on your back, force you to vomit, force you to listen to their emotional abuse while they make a go at hitting on your best friend, and the torment does not end there. Now they are picking you up off the ground and taking off your clothes. Now on top of every other humiliation they have amused themselves by sexually humiliating you in front of everyone in your class including your closest ally. Every part of you is on fire inside and out and the depth of horror and hurt inside you is so big you don’t know what to do with the feeling. Then your friend finally steps in. But now you’re so hurt and angry that it’s bursting out of you in the worst possible ways.

Now the worst thing finally happens.

You call your best friend a slur; something you know will hurt them more than any other thing, because you’re destroyed, because you’re angry at them for letting it get this far, because you’re humiliated and because you’re tired of not being held in a higher regard than the person who has ruined your life; because you’re sick of their moralizing and their pitty.

Now you’ve lost the only person you’ve ever really felt close to. Now you’ve lost any human sympathy forever.

And it’s not over yet. Now you’re upside down again. And this time they aren’t content with exposing the rest of your body for the world to see. Now they are out for blood, and the revenge they have settled on is Sexual Assault. They remove your underwear to expose your most private parts to the world and there is nothing you can do about it. Nowhere you can go. No one who cares. No one who will come to your rescue.

Snape must have felt so hopeless it’s a wonder he didn’t try to end his life. People have done so over much less.

Hogwarts was never truly a home for Severus Snape. Even in adulthood he works in the place that was the site of innumerable traumas and heartaches. Everyday he faces trigger after trigger of the worst day of his life, while protecting the progeny of the only person he ever felt close to and the person who cruelly ripped away any chance he had at normal life. This is why I feel for Severus Snape so much in every scene. He is confronted every day with the worst memories a person can endure yet he chooses to be brave anyway. He chooses to do the right thing anyway. He puts other people’s well-being first anyway. He chooses the side of the light beyond all that had conspired to make a sociopath out of him. He holds a place in his heart for love and he protects that love with his entire being. Platonic love is just as powerful as romantic love and Severus Snape is the perfect example of this. A person even in the worst circumstances can still make the most difference in the world, can still choose to be their own person and make their own choices. Even when the world is wholly against him, Severus Snape is the pinnacle of integrity.

This is why he’s my favorite character. He’s the bravest character in the narrative, but he’s also the character with the most integrity.

Thinking about Snape’s patronus being a doe.

Thinking about how Snape’s patronus was not another stag to compete for the doe’s affection. It was another doe, a fellow doe.

Thinking about how Snape’s patronus might have been something else before. A bat maybe? But it changed to a doe.

Thinking about how Snape loved Lily. Probably at one point it was infatuation, a crush. Do we have to limit it to just unrequited love though? The platonic love wasn’t unrequited. I don’t think Lily stopped thinking of Severus as a friend, even to her dying breath. Childhood best friends just don’t leave you like that.

Thinking about Severus Snape promising to be Dumbledore’s right hand man. Thinking about Severus Snape at his first Order meeting, sitting awkwardly alone, apart from everyone. No one in his life ever showed him how to be good. Except one person.

Thinking about Severus Snape trying to emulate Lily Evans as he tried to choose the right. Trying to remember the way she stood up for what she believed in. Failing over and over and over again. Making snide remarks, throwing out slurs, physically harming those he disagreed with. Every time with Lily’s voice in the back of his head, reprimanding him. Knowing he could never do right by her. But always trying again. Always.

Thinking about Severus Snape realizing slowly and all at once how wrong his youthful ideas about muggles and wizards had been. How stupid he was for believing them in the first place. Wishing he could go back, choose better, try again. Knowing he can’t. Remembering Lily. Working harder to fix things. Still failing in the little ways that make all the difference.

Thinking about Severus Snape, a decade into his service, casting a patronus, expecting to see his little bat, and seeing her. Well, not her, but her patronus. A doe. His patronus. A doe.

Thinking about how Severus Snape’s patronus is a doe because he worked to become the friend he betrayed. To pay back his debt, to make things right however he could. To protect her son. Her son who he hated because he was the exact replica of Severus’ own childhood bully. But still her son. Her eyes. He had to protect her eyes, the eyes that were still watching, still disapproving.

“Look. At. Me.”

cooking is always better with a friend

Immersive gaming

they go to the gym together idfk

FoolMoon art for Persona 3 Secret Santa 💖✨️

SK8 NEWS?????? WE FINALLY GOT A RELEASE DATE!!!

SK8 COMMUNITY WAKE UP NOT A DRILL

I have a lot of feelings about this scene. Because from Harry's POV at this point obviously Snape is the mean bully who's always picked on him for no reason and it's gratifying to see Sirius standing up to him and putting him in his place. And at this point in the story that's kind of what we as readers see too. BUT with the additional knowledge we gain about Snape throughout the rest of the story this hits so different.

Think about Snape, who spent years being tormented and humiliated by Sirius and who has carefully rebuilt himself from that, but who still has all the open wounds and trauma from it lurking just beneath the surface. Think about how he's so used to Sirius hurting and humiliating him that the second Sirius stands it's a reflex to grab his wand. And he's not just holding it. He's balled his fist around it - an obvious sign of stress from someone who usually masks it so well - because this isn't just another duel. This isn't even like facing Voldemort.

No matter that Snape is much older and more capable and more powerful now. When it's Sirius suddenly Snape is 15 again and all those memories and feelings of powerlessness and humiliation come rushing back.