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You failed him.

I think he is really sweet

hey since you’ve posted two pieces in a row about my boy Scout I was wondering if maybe you could write more your thoughts/your hcs about him? I think he’s really interesting and I don’t often see people realize that he’s more complex that what he seems, like this man just seems very sad inside. i really like your analyses and your takes are some of my favorites

hope you have a good day!

Appreciate it! Although I probably won't say anything particularly new... Okay, let's talk about Scout!

Though he no doubt wears the persona of a confident cool guy, protecting his ego from vulnerability, I wouldn't say there's sadness inside him. More accurate would be fear.

People with sadness baggage are pretty passive and quiet. And Scout's reaction is to hit, run, scare away, cling anxiously to the object of security. That's fear. He's fearful.

He doesn't think about it much, he's a pretty happy guy in the environment he's in. But if something makes him go off the rails and he starts, God forbid, thinking.....

His core fear is not living up to his place in the world. He knows there's a place for him, but for some reason he feels like people think he's not good enough to take it. Anyone better and stronger could take his place at any time. He's on bird's rights here.

Growing up with older brothers, being not good at school, being the smallest and youngest mercenary of the team, this feeling doesn't leave him ever. It's a tiresome inner struggle: "How do I make my stay secure?", "How do I become worthy?"

Falling into this cognitive trap of searching for self validation in the outside world instead of inside of himself, he was doomed to be stuck in ambivalence:

To continue to pretend, risking being exposed as an imposter, or to be sincere and inevitably endure the unbearable pain of rejection and loneliness?

He laughs and taunts and overexplains himself so much. He clings to the only thing he's better than everyone at. He overcompensates; he demands attention and tries to make himself bigger. He hates being alone as it basically feels like being actually pushed off his place in the world. He clings to people but immediately pushes them away for being too dangerously close to finding out his fears. He needs to be with everyone to know and to control what they think about him.

And it never makes him calm down anyway, since all those efforts take a lot of energy. Tiresome to be, tiresome to pretend. And the prize is nowhere near the sight.

This loop of pain will never end, unless he breaks the very core mindset of his. The answer is stepping into this fear, but he can't even think about it! It feels like death! His ego will die and it's going to feel like he's dying as a whole.

A full existential, primal fear of an child to be rejected by his parent. "Not worthy of living".

(Based on the Lise Bourbeau's model of 5 soul wounds: Abandonment)

Im writing a rlly messy one-shot and wrote this, thought it was cute as i love engie and Scout bonding and wanted to share it separately and get your thoughts on it...

Its a mess rn so it start abrupt and ends abrupt, sorry!!

The part where scout hugs his knees is supposed to be a flashback and in italics but tumblr is werid is glitches when I do it, so just pretend it's in italics

-------

No one really talked to him either. Only time he recalled was that moment with Medic and the team's debriefings for the match that day. He was mostly alone for the first year or two, leaving him in his room most days, struggling to distract himself with the painful silence and nobody to rant too.

He had started drawing again to help with his boredom. It had helped for a few weeks, before he ran out of things in his room to draw. He was too nervous to even go out into the living area during that period.

Then he had pulled out his small record player and vinyls, playing his favorite Tom Jones albums at a fairly low volume and humming the tunes, but the walls were thin, meaning he could only play it during the day.

His one escape was jogging outside the base early morning, doing circles. But even he could tell he was getting deathly bored, he needed noise, something to watch, something to do. So he finally got the courage to watch television with Engineer when he came back from his morning laps.

He would make sure to sit as far away from Engie as he could. The Texan would sit on the plaid green couch, coffee mug in hand, watching western films that he never really paid attention to.

After about a week of doing that, the Engineer had finally said something.

---- (italics part) -----

Scout hugged his knees, chin resting on top of them. He didn't have motivation to draw or go for another lap, leaving him sitting here idly watching what the man had on the television. It was some cowboy film that frankly was boring as hell, but hardhat had laughed at the film's jokes and seemed heavily interested. So he stayed.

“You know. You can sit on the couch too, right?”

Scout jumped, turning to Engineer. Confusion taking over his features.

“What?”

Engineer nodded his head at the open cushion next to him. “You don't need to always sit in the recliner, kid,” He said. Tone neutral. “I don't mind.”

Scout blinked at him. He bit his lip, unsure if he even should consider it. His thought was cut off by Engineer patting the cushion next to him, offer clear.

Scout reluctantly got up and headed over the couch, Engineer scooted over as carefully sat down, clenching his dog tags tightly.

Engineer leaned forward and put his coffee mug on the small wooden coffee table, leaning back into the couch. Elbow resting on the back of the couch. “Do you know what this film is about?”

Scout shook his head, moving on from his dog tags to the wrap around his hand, picking at the part that held it together.

Engienner pointed to the TV, specifically at the guy on screen. “That's Frank Harris, a hotel clerk who dreams of making’ a fortune in cattle farming,”

Scout watched in awe as the Texan kept explaining the plot, pointing out every little detail. Every camera shot. Everything.

Scout chuckled to himself. “You've seen this movie a ton then, huh?”

Engineer scratched his stubble. “Nah, just watch movies a lot.” he said, seemingly truthfully. Watching the television intently.

The rest of that morning before the match, Engineer and him had talked about movies they've seen, ones Scout loved and ones Engineer had just remembered the plots of

since the old version of this post was flagged for 'adult content'...

reblog this post if your account is a trans safe space or owned by a trans person!

along with that, reblog if your account is a trans non-binary spectrum safe space or owned by someone on the trans enby spectrum!

SNIPERMEDIC

love at first deathtaunt

Like fighting a mirror