014. CARNATIONS

014. CARNATIONS

You're sulking, limbs splayed over the couch as you resort to eating nothing but ice cream, all while wrapped in bundles of blankets and pillows. You stab at the container angrily, practically shoveling the copious amounts of 'Fudge Fantasy!' into your mouth like you were being starved.

A pout forms on your lips, and your appetite vanishes the moment you watch the pining lovers on your TV screen kiss—a feeling of hurt forms in your stomach as you turn off the movie. You wince as you pry yourself from the couch, muscles aching from being curled up into a pitiful ball for too long.

You walk over to the kitchen, putting the ice cream away in the freezer and sitting down on one of the kitchen's chairs. Most of the lights in your apartment were off, and only a small and warm glow came from the lamp beside your couch. You press your cheek against the cold surface of the island, sighing.

Your lips quirk up a bit as you take in the state of your living room. You'd carried most of your plushies from your room to the living room for a movie night—and maybe for some emotional support. You'd even built a little blanket fort for yourself. Yes, it was childish. But it got your mind off of Touya for a while.

Your feet curl uncomfortably at the mere thought of him as a frown suddenly settles on your face, and you can only sink further into your seat with a groan. You've been moping around for the past three days, ordering groceries to your door and not leaving your apartment for anything at all.

You were unemployed now. Thankfully, your savings account could keep you comfortably afloat for a while. But that money wouldn't last forever—and job searching would have to start up at some point.

But right now, you can't even find the strength to reply to your supervisor's emails. She needs you to come back to the hospital, since there were a few more things that needed to be finalized. A few more loose ends that need to be tied and put aside to collect dust.

Something soft nudges your cheek, and Tora stands over you with a curious glint in his eyes. The cat nudges his nose against yours before settling down onto the island counter beside you, curling up onto the table and purring quietly as he lays on his stomach.

Tora had an odd sense of noticing when you were unhappy. He was an attentive little cat, with dark fur and a glittering pair of golden eyes. You run a palm over his back carefully, smiling as he eases under your touch.

You eventually hop off of the chair and walk around your apartment in deep thought. The movement was necessary to give your muscles some breathing room, and it also gave you a chance to try and accept all that had happened in the past few days. Tora trailed behind you, following you around like a shadow with quick and curious steps.

It was hard trying to make sense of all that had happened. The thought of Touya getting a new doctor, one that would help him complete the last bit of his journey at the hospital, was just something you couldn't really believe yet.

There would be someone else spending their days with him. Someone else taking care of him, someone else listening to his late night thoughts, someone else sharing his favorite meals with him—someone else loving him. And there's a voice in the back of your head, screaming that should be you. But you know it was your own choices that made it someone else’s role now.

You settle back into your heap of blankets on the couch, and Tora follows. There's a sense of trepidation creeping up your spine—a small, prickling fear that felt like a hundred needles prodding and poking at your skin. It didn't feel right, not being by Touya's side as he went through the last few months of his recovery.

He was nearly done with all of his surgeries. You wouldn't be able to see him again until his rehabilitation plan was over. Any contact with him was forbidden. The reality of his obvious attachment issues was heart breaking, and the look on his face when you left him hadn't left your mind since you'd seen it.

There was something devastating about the way his voice hitched when he pleaded for you to stay with him—about that way his fingers trembled as he held his head in his hands and fought his own mind to keep himself together, unable to accept the fact that good things can't last forever—they never did for him, anyway.

You didn't even realize you were crying until Tora meowed quietly, pawing at your chest as his little head poked underneath the hem of your shirt. He performs his favorite ritual—one he knows always makes you laugh—as he crawled up your shirt and poked his head out of the loose opening of your shirt. You peer down at your cuddly companion, managing a tearful laugh as you tug him out.

It was snowing again, and your laptop dings quietly with yet another email. The apartment is quiet, beside the soft sound of your labored breathing. Tora's eyes drifted close eventually, and you allowed him to sleep as you quietly walked towards your laptop.

Fourteen unread emails. You decide to open the most recent one—because the title 'Touya's new psychiatrist' catches your attention wholly within an instant.

You read over the email quietly, soft sounds of disappointment and sighs leaving your lips every few minutes. It's near the bottom of the email when you realize you had a meeting scheduled tomorrow at the hospital.

You had to be the one to chose Touya's new psychiatrist. No one understood Touya's psyche better than you, you'd been with him for many months and understood his mentality better than everyone. In order for him to get a new doctor according to procedure, you would need to be a part of the decision making process.

But you didn't want Touya to get a new doctor. Maybe it was selfish, but you just wanted to take care of him all by yourself.

Finding someone deserving enough of taking care of him would be a tedious task. Touya needed someone loving, someone who could take care of him, and someone who wouldn't let him down. Your back straightens a bit in determination. You had let Touya down once, but you were not going to do it again.

You were going to find a good doctor for him. No matter how many people you had to go through, how long it took—even if you had to call in options from neighboring hospitals—you would not allow just anyone to take care of him.

Touya deserved someone good. He deserved you, yes. But he couldn't have you.

You would just have to find the next best thing.

Walking into your former work place after being fired wasn't a pleasant feeling. The stares you received were obvious, and they were all from people you used to work with. Your eyes remain on the ground in silent shame, and it felt like you had a rain cloud hanging over your head with every step you took.

"Y/n," Your supervisor calls out, and your back tenses before you turn around to meet her gaze. Her eyes are a bit tired as she greets you, and you follow her quietly as she leads you into her office. The first candidate sits in a seat across her desk. She ushers you into the room, gently chastising you for being late.

And you want to tell her you'd actually gotten to the hospital early, but you'd caught sight of Touya's hospital room window from the parking lot and noticed someone had taken down the snowflakes that once hung on the glass. You'd wasted half an hour in your car crying—because Touya was so close, only a few floors up, and the thought has your heart seizing painfully in your chest.

You sit across the doctor, and it begins. You interviewed three women and five men today. And every single one you'd crossed off as unsuitable on your papers.

They were all biased. Each and every single one had the same look in their eye when you mentioned the name Dabi. This look of distaste, this look of disgust. Their words came out sugary and sweet, reverent, even. But their eyes betrayed their true feelings. And you can't blame them, because Touya was known throughout all of Japan as a monster.

Day after day, the cycle became tiring. Doctor after doctor, you can't do it. The stress was eating away at you, your savings account was dwindling away, and you still haven't built up the courage to face the Todoroki family.

It was on the seventh day of searching that your supervisor seemed fed up.

"You cannot reject every single doctor that comes in here, Y/n."

You shift uncomfortably in your seat as you sigh, unsure of how to respond. If she notices the bags under your eyes, or how your shoulders slump with tiredness, she doesn't say anything.

"Touya deserves someone who sees his mistakes and understands his past. Someone kind and forgiving." You murmur, tugging your knees to your chest as you sigh quietly, tracing circles on the arm rest of your chair as your supervisor's lips set into a thin line.

She's silent for a moment, watching you contemplatively before speaking up.

"Rei Todoroki contacted me yesterday. A while after you left, she said she...she has someone who she believes can help Touya."

Your hand stills at the mention of Rei's name. You swallow down the hurt expanding in your chest—snuffing it out for the sake of Touya as you nod slowly, eyes dull and voice exhausted.

"Who is it? And—can I meet them?"

"You can. I've already contacted her for a meeting I've arranged for tomorrow. But I'm afraid if you don't agree with Rei's suggestion—then the board will choose a doctor for Touya instead."

You can feel the incoming headache, a result of keeping your tears at bay and refusing to let them flow. Your nod is stiff, and you decide you'll sleep early tonight. You need a clear mind to meet your seemingly last option tomorrow. Because if this doctor wasn't a good option for Touya—

You crush the thought in an instant. She had to be. If Rei recommended her, then you should be able to trust this woman.

So why do you feel so uneasy?

"Y/n," Your supervisor says calmly, placing a hand on your shoulder as you turn to look at her. She seemed to be at ease, for some reason. Like she trusted Rei's judgement and supported her choice already. And you want to ask her just how she trusts someone she hasn't even met yet with Touya's heart and fragile state, but her next words explain it all.

"It's the same woman who treated Rei. The same woman who took care of her when she was admitted."

The shift in your express is palpable. You obviously weren't aware that Rei had been admitted into a hospital herself. But your hand curls into a fist of disappointment, not exactly surprised that Enji's abuse managed to damage her mental health too. He had certainly done a good job of hiding the truth of his family all those years he spent in the spotlight, and the thought makes you grind your teeth in frustration.

"I see."

Your supervisor's nod is curt and final, pleased that you've agreed to this one thing. You leave the hospital with a heavy heart, spent and tired. You're not even sure how you managed to drive home, but you stumble into your apartment, not bothering to change as you collapse onto your bed with nothing but sheer exhaustion.

You'd woken up nearly three times that night, struggling to fall back asleep. You ended up on the floor at some point too, trying to find a reprieve while tossing and turning, wondering why sleep wouldn't envelop you in her blissful embrace.

In sleep, maybe you could escape your reality. In sleep, maybe you could avoid Touya. But he followed you, trailed you and refused to disappear. He showed up in your dreams, he showed up in your thoughts during the most mundane tasks, and you nearly dropped your breakfast bowl this morning because your plants casted a shadow on the wall that looked like his silhouette.

Touya was haunting you.

And you don't even want to think of his state back at the hospital, you won't allow yourself to. You spend the morning cleaning your entire apartment, and slotting some time in the day to look for some jobs online before you head to the hospital in the evening for your meeting.

Tora doesn't mind your clinginess. He lets you cuddle him and smother him in kisses, even though he was usually grumpy and opposed to too much affection. He indulged in you today, and that cheered you up a bit.

Currently, you're sitting on your couch and sipping on a warm cup of hot chocolate. The snow falls quietly outside, and with Tora curled up in your lap—you scroll through the various job listings online.

With your education, you could find a good job. You weren't going to try and apply to be a psychiatrist due to obvious reasons, but maybe you could try something new. It was a shot in the dark, but it was something.

Your doorbell rings, and the sound ricochets off the walls as you sit up. Tora hops off of your lap, meowing loudly in protest at the intrusion before he scurries off. You shake your head with a soft smile at his antics, before walking towards the door.

You're not sure who's on the other side. It could be the groceries you ordered, or maybe Tora's new toys—so you get on your tippy toes, All Might socks stretched taut from the action as you peek through the peephole.

You stagger backwards at the sight on the other side, physically feeling all the air be strung out of your lungs in an instant. Your hands are clammy as you carefully step away from the door. You don't know what he is doing here, but you open the door after another second—eyes hard and angry.

Enji Todoroki stands on the other side. Something flashes on his face with how quickly you open the door and the look on your face, but he bows his head immediately in greeting either way. There's a bouquet of flowers in his hands, and he holds them in a death grip, knuckles paling.

"Y/n, may I come in?" He questions, voice low and—was that guilt in his tone? You waver in the doorway, unsure. Your eyes are unblinking as you watch him keep his head down, waiting for your answer.

He hurt Touya, he hurt Rei, he hurt Natsuo, he hurt Fuyumi, he hurt Shoto, and he hurt you.

Enji can sense your hesitation and he sighs, nodding in understanding as his grip tightens on the bouquet. You watch the flower stems bend, nearly snapping as he squeezes his eyes shut in frustration.

You're too afraid to move. His body is tense, every muscle is. You're half afraid he's about to hit you and half afraid he was about to burst into tears.

"I'm sorry,"

"I understand I'm not wanted. I've left Rei and the children the house, I pay for it so they can all live comfortably together. I've accepted their disapproval—I understand it. But I need to mend my relationship with Touya. He's—He's the only thing keeping me going right now. I just want him to go home, and I can't leave him anymore. I can't."

Enji rests his head on the door frame, his grip on the flowers limp now. There's a soft purr sounding through the air, and he furrows his brows before glancing down and seeing your cat poking out between your legs—he notices your All Might socks, too.

He sighs, pushing himself off of the door frame when you don't say anything. He takes a step back, before he finally notices you've been holding the door wide open and were waiting for him to step inside the entire time.

"I have a few things I need to talk to you about. You can leave after, okay?"

Enji blinks in disbelief before nodding with a small grunt. He enters your apartment, shoulders sagging as his gaze flitters around. You wonder if it's because he thinks your living space is small—but brush off the prospect. That's not important right now. You needed to get some clear points about Touya across—this was your chance to help Touya, even if it was indirectly. He gives you the flowers, wincing as he realizes he was holding onto them a little too tightly. Your small smile eases some of his embarrassment, and you lead him to the living room shortly after.

It took Enji a long time to open up—the shell he had over himself was unbreakable, but you managed to get inside. Putting aside your patients' past and mistakes was something you were used to doing by now, but it was still difficult to talk to Enji after all he'd done.

When Enji spoke about Touya, he was more soft spoken. The usual bite in his tone vanished, like the sun disappearing on a cloudy day. You try to muster up the strength to be angry at him—to kick him out and slap him and tell him you never want to see his face again. But you can't, because when Enji looks at you—you see Touya's eyes.

He leaves after a few hours. It felt like the world stopped when he'd stepped into your home, and started all over again as he left. His posture was more relaxed as he muttered a quiet goodbye, and left.

Your conversation with Enji was... eye opening. Getting a glimpse into his mind was overwhelming, but at least now you managed to see his tainted view a little clearer. You sigh as you turn to look at the darkening sky outside, the stars twinkled in the dim light and you stand up, stretching a bit before your eyes catch sight of your laptop.

Shit. You'd missed today's meeting.

You're calling your supervisor moments later—apologizing profusely the moment she picks up for forgetting, begging to reschedule, and stuttering because you're strained and stressed and struggling terribly to form a single, coherent sentence.

"It's okay, Y/n. I took the meeting myself, okay? She's a good fit for Touya. You should...get some rest. Please."

She hangs up after that, and you lower the phone from your ear slowly. You can feel the lump in your throat forming, the burn behind your eyes intensifying as you take a steadying breath.

You try to use your breathing practices—but you can't remember them, dammit. Did you hold your breath for five seconds or ten? Were you supposed to be counting your heart beats for this exercise? Or was that for another one?

You're too tired to cry. Too tired to try and make sense of everything around you when it was anything but. It was complete discord everywhere you turned—everything was wrong. So very wrong.

There's nothing you can do but sleep. You stagger over to your bed, the blood in your body felt like it had been replaced with sand, weighing you down with every step you took. You slip into unconsciousness the moment your head hits the pillow.

But you just dream of him, again. You always do.

CARNATIONS MASTERLIST.

a/n; touya meets his new doctor next chapter :) also, y/n wearing all might socks in front of enji is how she rebels :P

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