I Wasn't Meant To Live This Long And That's Why I Don't Know What To Do When I Feel This Awful

Fun idea: death

Asking someone you barely know what their disability is equatable to just coming up to someone and saying “hey what’s the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Able-bodied people assume most people with mobility aids ESPECIALLY wheelchairs, have been in some sort of traumatic accident, and yet y’all still come up to us asking.

manifesting a calm antisocial bf who only cares about me

thanks for actually answering my texts FP now i wanna kill myself even more !! 🙃

i hate snapchat memories lol. just saw some pics from 5 years ago of me and my friends on call when we started online school during the pandemic and it fucking stung way more than i anticipated. these people don't talk to me anymore. they've all moved on with their lives and im still drowning in the past by myself, wishing they'd come back to get me. they have partners and new friends in our old city, and i got forcefully pulled away to a whole new province without my permission. i get to start all over again with friendships and family i don't want in my life.

i miss my friends.

"read yesterday" OH OK MHM MHM MHM MHM FASCINATING

drugging me while you're thrusting inside my cunt, making me take a hit, slipping a pill between my lips, and holding a open vial to my nose. watching me get dizzier from the pleasure and drugs, slowly losing control of my mind and body.

i wish you wanted, craved and needed me the way i need you.

i wish you could also feel your organs writhe when we're not talking,

when we're not together,

when we don't exist in the same space and at the same time.

I don't know a single disabled person who hasn't been traumatized in at least one way by the medical system. Moreover, how are we supposed to heal from our medical trauma when it is continuously reinforced? I act differently in medical spaces because of my medical PTSD to the point I used to have selective mutism in those spaces (it's much better now). But I was treated horribly because of the selective mutism and trauma responses, making my PTSD worse. How can doctors be okay with re-traumatizing someone who already has severe medical PTSD? How can doctors be okay with not being educated on medical PTSD or gaslighting? How can they be okay with ultimately making our lives, care, and trauma worse??? The lack of understanding around medical trauma is unacceptable, especially because of how incredibly prevalent it is.

I am a grown ass adult and I still get nausea when I feel like I'm in trouble. They're gonna send me to the principals office and take away my toys for a week. Can you just fucking kill me instead of making me stew in my fucking anxiety