My Instagram Account Only Exists Because I Don't Think You Have My Phone Number Or If You Did, You Wouldn't

This goodbye is so Conflicting I am heartbroken I am torn It is so difficult To think of you Leaving my life And yet it's so easy To wish you well

Maybe you're wearing that winter coat Because you're not used to Places that snow Or places that make other people feel cold

And when you exhale all that smoke I can see your breath Air out your mouth Air coming out that makes no words

Maybe you're wearing that winter coat Like downy armor Standing so close and still so far from me In a jacket so lovely

Now I am furious with you, You, Who called me your everything, Your soulmate, your most Important person while you Slept in another's bed. You, Who whispered so seductively, Playing your hand of greed, Bluffing with clubs When I Thought you held hearts. You, Who made me feel stupid for Hanging on your words, As if you were used to Your vapid lovers begging. You, You are the one who is so vain And so selfish to tell me What you don't like of my body, To make me feel undesirable. You, Who are not above anyone, Yet chose to make me look small And cut off my air Because you were done breathing. You, Who mistook me for a fool Because I acted like one, Because I fell for your words When they were a trap. You, You will get nothing from me, Not my anger, not my ear, Not a chance of redemption, I will not hold our memories. You, You will feel my wrath in The form of my absence, My cold silence. Now that I Found the voice, You had stolen from me Along with my self respect. Now I am furious with you, Boiling with rage, It is I, I who am the beautiful one I who am desired, I who am lovely, I who am worthy, I who am stronger than you, I who am making this choice. Now that I am furious with you, The spitting of venom cathartic, I am finished. I abandon you. I abandon us before I Become just as heartless.

I will be whatever you need to see in me today, My body a canvas open to interpretation. Here I am soft, delicate as silk; There I am sharp, rugged as stone. I am shifting, gliding, reshaping myself, I am swimming through the waters of my gender, Moving from room to room In this house I am calling my body.

But I am twisting in the hallway, Arms and legs spilling through every door; I am too much at once and so never quite enough. Tell me what you want, I will shape myself to fit. Make me compatible with your desire Until I forget the shape of myself entirely.

(In your rejection I’ve flooded our home, Drowning in the rooms where you once wanted me.)

I knew a man from Salem Who lived in a very old home "My partner died last year," He told me, "And left me there alone."

"Come live with me, We'll fall in love slowly Like sleepy winter mice." I had to admit it seemed Like a dream That might have been very nice.

His smile was kind and shy, His eyes were soft and sad, They pleaded with me for comfort, An ember, A life we could have had.

He loved all seasons, save winter. He lived his life in winter Because he was winter, And he never really loved himself. He buried his heart beneath the snow, Became the barren, dead tree, Accepting a world of numbness.

I loved all seasons, including winter. I lived my life in summer Because I was summer, I was, am, and will be the sun. My heart beat strongly, It was warm, on fire, Embracing a world of passion.

We met and we collided, Creating spring. My sun melted his snow, Uncovered his heart, And after many years He discovered rebirth, renewal.

Our first dance was a tango, Parading on the dew. The smell of fresh grass, Fresh starts and new beginnings. But spring began to end And he awoke from his dream, Begging for winter to come again. Thawing began to sting And he missed home, His many blankets of snow.

I tried to follow my lover. I brought the summer heat along, And he could not find winter. He barked at me, “You cannot play god, You cannot change the seasons.” I explained to him that I did nothing, We changed it, We merged and created spring and fall, The lovely, romantic air.

So he in turn tried his hand, Bringing forth dark clouds. “There will be storms,” He warned me.

First there was rain. It poured down above us And as he ran for shelter I grabbed his hand, Leading him out into the fields And I said, “Let it rain, let it soak us. Let us dance And the rain will cleanse us.”

My lover was afraid. Afraid of what I might see If his skin were washed, His face wet, hiding tears. He created thunder and he warned, “There will be lightning, There will be flooding.” I kissed his cheek and said, “Then I will build us a boat So we can sail to safety.”

But he shook his head, Thinking I did not mean it. I stood in the spring field As he ran off to winter. Still, he looked back at me Not being so far off, And he watched as I stood firm As the water rose above my ankles. “He will surely run,” My lover thought.

The water reached my shoulders. There was nothing I could do, For summer had many rains And fire would only drown. I would surely drown as well, The water rising above my head.

My love, my beautiful love, Saw at last that I was his. His to love or leave, That I would always Be waiting in oceans for him.

His heart felt my summer breeze, Felt my year long devotion, And he, the god of winter, Ended the storms, Ended the rain, And as he stepped upon the water It turned to ice. A vast, frozen lake, He ran across to where I now, Was buried like his heart.

He called to me, “I am winter, You are summer. Bring forth the sun.” And I did. The giant, burning sun Melted the ice around me, Freed us both from fear, And he held my hand As he added more heat to the sun, Evaporating the water, Returning the lake to a field.

When the land had dried He kissed my lips, His frost to my fire, Bringing back the spring, Returning the field to gold. We lay in the shimmering grass. My lover and I, We love all seasons. We built our home in that field And we never again played gods.

Two star signs, two ruled by The moon and sun All the other signs are planets They are the exception The royal luminaries Glowing in their heaven

Two signs formed side by side In the vastness A sparkling duality amidst the Ever orbiting constellations

Together here, if nowhere else In the maps, in the blue The moon and sun Exist forever in twilight In that narrow stretch of time Where day and night softly meet

Even when you cannot taste Your favorite kind of tea It is still a soothing friend Tending to you in sickness Wrapping you up in its arms

I swam with Fish from Other seas Other creatures From fresh And salty waters Knowing In the depths Of my heart

That All I really Wanted was To settle In a quiet Backyard pond With you

I dropped him Like burnt toast, So suddenly Unwanted, Heartlessly Discarded, and I, The one who Neglected and Blackened him, Convince myself It was justified